The Sexbridge English Dictionary

aveburysarsenTNHere as I find them, or as others give them, I intend to list definitions of common English words given a sexual, preferably BDSM, twist – wry or funny please.

This idea came from BBC Radio 4‘s vintage (but still going) antidote to panel games – “Have I Got news For You” which features the Uxbridge English Dictionary, a game where panelists find new and bladder-looseningly funny definitions for words. Delve here to see what I mean.

Here are my first:

  • Flapjack: A speculum.
  • Twickenham: Twisting nipples, sharply and with force.

All suggestions welcome!

“Ask” on StrangelyNormal

The UK BDSM website StrangelyNormal has created a first – or at least I think it is.

aveburysarsenTNThe latest board on the site is called”Ask” and it’s completely anonymous. People can say what they want* on any BDSM topic without anyone knowing who they are.

Now, I like StrangelyNormal anyway – it seems a site where people think a little before they post and robust, but considered debate seems to result – alongside a lot of very human banter. Good mix.

But this is terrific. Anyone can post any query they like without feeling silly, naive, odd, eccentric or on the sidelines. No-one is going to feel singled-out. And no showboater can say “look at me” when no one can tell who you are.

The first few threads on the board seem to be producing much more than newbie queries (which, I think, was one of the reasons “Ask” was set up). Instead, lots of debate on issues which, on boards where people are named, I’ve seen descend into cat and dog fights. Not, so far, here.

StrangelyNormal is, in my view, a damn fine site it’s fast, it works, the site-owner listens to feedback but still does things decisively and HIS way: It has real character.

But “Ask” is its finest hour, so far.

*(up to a point – the site’s admin says: “Should you think the Ask board is the place to have a go or ridicule people you are wrong. There will be one warning and should you ignore it your anonymity will be lifted and all will see your posts. Other than that feel free to post away on it.”)

BDSM and mental health

aveburysarsenTNI’ve no expertise on this topic – but it interests me. So this blog is just links to articles I have found. I’ll add to it from time to time (Please note, a number of the articles below are reactions to the same Dutch study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. The original paper relating to that can be found here.

A woman's back covered with different colored ...
A woman’s back covered with different colored waxes. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If you have recommendations to add to this list then please let me know. Please do the BDSM & Money Survey. Thank you!

Get a new picture of your kink

aveburysarsenTNI’ve updated my Excel spreadsheet BDSM dashboard.

Download it here: Belasarius_BDSM_dashboard_4.01

It now has 24 additional criteria including a new section on body

corset 001
Photo credit: skulptress9

modification for those of you who are into corsets, tight-lacing, piercing and tattoos.

It also has new options for recording your interest in pain and a few more play and sex choices.

This is what my kink now looks like at the time of writing.

My kink Nov 2013

The original “picture of your kink” spreadsheet is still available.

I will develop this further – The radargram is getting messy and i’d like to include both more kinks and a new section on BDSM roles.

Enjoy – and let me know what you think.

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Hooray for Activists

aveburysarsenTNI am a scaredy-cat in many ways. I write a good write (or, at least, I think I do – and I hope I am a severe self critic). But, I am not one of those who dares to get up in public and defend the right for us to be who we are.

In my utopia the relationship I have would be seen as just another lifestyle choice, no better and no worse than any mainstream lifestyle.

Just another lifestyle choice?

Deciding to live in a poly family, or sharing, or living in a relationship where the partners agree to be equal but opposite – that would be seen as ‘OK’ or ‘not for me – but OK’.

Consenting to parts of your relationship being non-consensual would be ‘OK”: Dispute resolution with the hand, between consenting adults, would be OK too.

I don’t expect any of this to meet universal approval. I don’t need applause: I just want to live the life I live discreetly and not secretly.

My experience is that this is not possible today. I have been outed in the workplace twice over the years. The first time it led to me becoming a behind-my-back figure of fun and the second time I faced an informal internal enquiry into whether I was bringing the firm into disrepute (I wasn’t – phew).

I have had my sexuality used to attempt to restrict access to my children (it failed – but it was worrisome) and I have had it used to attempt to scandalise other members of my family (very hurtful and partially effective).

I just don’t want future generations of people who need to live a D/s life to go through anything like this (or the much,much worse experiences others have had).

There are signs that the public mood is changing, that people like us are a little less feared,

BDSM
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

despised or laughed at than formerly. Recent legal decisions seem to show that this liberality is creeping into law too.

But, the very nature of D/s relationships seems to rub against the zeitgeist of tolerance and equality. For me there is an answer to that – public understanding that an F/m relationship isn’t about a man not ‘being a man’ and that a M/f relationship is not about the oppression of women because it is all based on informed consent.

I am a big fan of the informed consent principle:

The Informed Consent Principle is that BDSM requires the freely given informed consent of all participants; that participants should make genuine efforts to reach a shared awareness of risks and consequences; that if consent is given under duress or is invalidated by mental incapacity or intoxication then it is not legitimate; and that BDSM with this informed consent should not be criminalised or lead to discrimination.

Informed Consent
(Photo credit: Kevin Krejci)

I think if the wider world became aware that we have each other’s informed consent for everything we do, then prejudice would begin, slowly, to melt away.

But, I’m here to praise those who show their faces and stand up for people like me, who fear they can’t.

Thank you. All of you.

I do worry though, that we don’t always help ourselves. There are people like me, who fear the consequences of outing, and there are those who actively want BDSM to stay beneath the surface of public awareness: ‘it’s kinkier if it’s secret’ – its more fun and exciting because it is taboo.

 

 

Comfort Zone

aveburysarsenTNHow do I like my women? If not on the edge of a nervous breakdown, then certainly on the edge of their comfort zone.

If she’s a slut, then i want her to dress and act the lady as much as won’t actually drive her out of her mind.

If she’s little miss demure, then I’ll make her as slutty as I can, without actually making her die of humiliation.

And I’ll make it an evolutionary rather than revolutionary process.

English: The Red-eyed Tree Frog (Litoria chlor...
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

(y’know – the boiling frog thing: Place frog in pan. Swims comfortably. Turn heat on, gently, under pan. Frog lazes in gentle heat, until it’s too late! Frog never noticed just how hot things were getting. That’s the theory anyhow).

But, it  is after all all about me, isn’t it? I’m the Dom and it’s what I want that counts?

Well – no not really: It is always about the couple and the dynamic and what we want being what counts. And, I like to be with someone who tingles every moment of the day because she is being pushed in the direction of being someone she would never choose to be on her own account but who she is happy to be to please someone who finds her special.

 

First published earlier today on http://www.fetbook.it

Sometimes asymmetry can be challenging

aveburysarsenTNWe say we are equal but opposite and try to create a dynamic where I lead and take responsibility and she submits, serves and I adore her for it.

It even works sometimes.

  •  My fear of taking all she wants to give, for fear it may be too much.
  • Her wanting to shelter and support me when I am down (and my failure to let her)
    English: line art drawing demonstrating asymme...
  • My hiding my weaknesses (on the principle that a D shouldn’t have any)
  • Fearing the consequences of using something I enjoy, but she hates (but which makes the control seem real)
  • Getting lazy about our rules and rituals.
  • Getting comfy with who we are and not pushing on.

What have your challenges been?

(Originally posted on StrangelyNormal)