The Night Before The Head Shave.

0004f9ec-a95d-9925-3787-f2bd8beaf1fe_110This was written the night before the head shaving. it’s really interesting to see the contrast between the fears and doubts that existed then vs how positive it felt afterwards. One thing that really springs to mind here is that this one often refers to the loss she fears she will feel: in reality, it felt like this one had gained more than she had lost as she sat in the chair having the final bits of hair removed. Such a paradox but yeah. Enjoy 🙂

“I am writing this the night before the head shave. I am sure that I will go ahead with it. To the very best of my knowledge I believe if I was gonna pull out of it I’d have done so by now so as not to mess with peoples heads, time, energy and possibly emotions.

I hope it goes ok. I am looking forward to seeing him and her but hope that I don’t find myself wishing I’d had a quiet night in because I’m terrified of feeling like a freak show. I’m terrified that people will think “aww she’s nuts anyway, this isn’t a big deal and she’s just doing it for attention” because nothing could be more drastically further from the truth.

I trust he and she to look after me but I stand forwarned that I will be taken out of my comfort zone. I can’t imagine wanting to face anyone once my hair has been taken away because I’m dreading looking like a dick. Sounds grumpy as but I can see just wanting to withdraw kneeling at their feet with my head down.

If it was up to me this would be being done in private but I also want Sir to experience this thing I’m consenting to give him to the height of its potential and as a result I know that he wants it to be public. I want so badly for the people around us to be indifferent or if not indifferent, supportive. This goes to show that I am going to be vulnerable to he and she to look after me. By letting them do this I am saying that I trust them to do right by me in a circumstance where I am giving them a level of submission that makes me publicly vulnerable and exposed. There is a massive load of subtext beyond the head shaving itself in this respect.

I want to do this. It’s something that all parties have held as a curiosity prior to this dynamic even starting. I don’t have a particular fetish for head shaving or being bald but I’ve always been keen to give a level of submission that puts someones needs above my own in a tremendous way because this makes it real and relevant to me and this is probably deep down what I want (I hope!).

Tomorrow I will read over my book that states the public protocols that I am to adhere to. I want to get them right and be on good behaviour. Also selfishly perhaps, I want to focus on these in order to keep my mind focussed and centred.

I am in control here. I could say “sod this entirely” or “maybe another day eh?” but there’s something about this that feels right enough to go ahead with it.

Sir tells me that I will be losing my use of first person personal pronouns once the first hair falls from my head. I’ve tried this in our written dialogue but have yet to do so verbally. I have no idea if I will succeed because my mind is too focussed on the hair thing itself.

This is my last night for a while of feeling my hair against my pillow. Tomorrow will be my last morning of waking up with bed hair and washing it and brushing it. All of this makes it feel really surreal.

I am worried that afterwards I will feel like I’m owed something as in “I’ve given you my hair so now you have to be super extra nice to me always” but I think that’s just me being an embarrassingly clingy nob end and even though put in a mindset of vulnerability and deep submission, I have faith that with my maturity and experience of bdsm over the years it won’t bring out a side of me that I really don’t like.

I’m quite looking forward to my baldness feeling like something I share with them and master only. I plan to always cover my head in public based on how I feel and then remove said wig or hat for their eyes only. I don’t want to feel that my amour or humility is with in front of anyone other than them and that’s what will make it special when I kneel to remove my wig.

I am worried I’ll giggle and mess about as nervous thing and a defence mechanism that mostly serves me well in life. I am worried that I will cry and be undignified and give off an unpleasantly heavy vibe. I’m worried that I’ll have a nice mellow little trip and look like it’s not a big deal to me when it is. Im worried I’ll make it into a big deal when it’s not. Afterall it’s only hair and it does grow back.

But if its only hair that grows back then why don’t more women shave it off. Am I really giving something that special or am I deluding myself and as soon as my head is bald it will be another slave another shaving. I hope the loss I feel is proportionate to the size of what they feel I’m giving (I think I believe it is, I’m just being insecure and with myself I think).

Tomorrow night (assuming it really doed go ahead), has potential to be a combination of hot, exciting, upsetting and worrying. I guess what’s going on in my head right now is a massive massive hope for those factors to balance in a way that works and gives everyone a night to remember rather than regret because either way it’s going to be blummin memorable and it’s going to take a while for the hair to grow back so there’s so so much riding on this really. Maybe there would be less kerfuzzle if this wasn’t set to happen in public but that’s what Sir wants so that’s what I am happy to consent to and I guess that, in a way, sums up a lot of what this dynamic is about.

I so hope this goes ok. I sort of hope in a weird way that they are as nervous as me maybe. Not sure why but yeah.

Oh well you know what they say, “b.ll.x b.ll.x and more b.ll.x”

Touch wood good luck fingers crossed!!!”

Losing the personal pronoun

aveburysarsenTNBoth of the people I have a dynamic with (my partner, curvy_bottom and our toy) have consented not to use their personal pronouns within our dynamic.

This means in interactions with me, each other and with anyone in a public D/s context.

It does not mean altering their language at work, out and about, or with friends (even kinky friends) in a non D/s context.

Posting on BDSM websites is, as far as I’m concerned, a proper context for this discipline.

My partner has done this since 2008 (with many lapses 🙂 ). Why? This is how I put it at the time:

“Despite my protestations otherwise you are not a bear of little brain. And I see no reason why I should not engage that enormous organ in the service of our dynamic.

Set aside for a moment your humanity, empathy, imagination, tenderness, thoughtfulness and all the other qualities that make me love you and ask why I should not challenge your intelligence?

Of course I should. And this does – doing without ‘I’ and ‘me’ is tricky I admit, but I can’t go much further, can I, in focussing you on me, even in my absence, than by asking you to moderate your language.

Now tell me that you won’t enjoy the challenge.”

I don’t (and won’t) punish either for failing in this. I do (and will) punish them for failing to try. There are exceptions too. Deep, important (or passionate ) conversations are difficult if you are parsing you language into an unnatural form – so it gets suspended then.

Over the years c_b and I have found this challenging discipline really useful. It’s much less about language and much more about creating a focus in conversation that we both find helpful.

Sometimes the language feels natural, but we both know it masks something. She doesn’t say “I’m gasping for a cuppa” – she does say “would you like tea?”. In fact, this is one of its biggest impacts – it converts statements and demands to questions and requests. This suits us.

Sometimes it becomes more inclusive. People in couples/families often say “We think”. She may do it more often (as long as she knows it’s true that it is a shared view).

It creates endearments that, to us, seem special: “I Love you” isn’t said. “You are loved” is. Often.

Sometimes, it’s just damned awkward. Whilst frustrating this is usually just amusing.

This is very new to the toy, of course. And potentially difficult for her. She doesn’t think much before she speaks (she doesn’t usually need to – what she says is what she feels and believes) and changing the structure of what she says is frustrating for her. I’m hoping practice will help.

The aim of this with the toy is not the same. In this case, losing the personal pronoun is much more about helping with her deep desire to have a part of her life that is dedicated to being an object cherished for its usefulness, well maintained at all times (which means having prime regard for her welfare) and used to further my dynamic with my partner (which can only happen because the toy gets profound satisfaction from service as a discrete part of all of her life). In this case, losing the pp is all about making her feel different and changed.

That sweet little shaving brush

0004f9ec-a95d-9925-3787-f2bd8beaf1fe_110Totallycoverme writes: So I find myself kneeling in the bath on all fours. Nobody specifically told me to get in this position and how I got there is another story. I’m in a state of desperate need for multiple reasons and my head is all over the place. If you’re reading this, I’ve let you in bang in the middle of something basically and what it boils down to is that I was in this bath with my mind all over the place for reasons that had nothing to do with any planned head shaving.

Spontaneously, Sir holds a small shaving brush in front of me. This holds massive and clearShaving-Brush significance because I have already consented to having my head shaved. I didn’t expect much else to happen because I’ve been told a little bit about how my full head shave might happen so when I saw the little shaving brush in front of me I thought it was just part of this cute headfuck (which very much seemed to be happening anyway).

The shaving product feels like it must have foamed up and I don’t think I’d be wrong in saying that it felt so cooling and tingly that I think it was menthol. It wasn’t long after getting used to that feeling that I felt the scraping of a carefully applied razor going over my neck. I may or may not have gone into a subtle type of shock at that point because I didn’t feel any fear or sadness. I’m confused to say that I maybe even enjoyed the physical sensations of having it done what with it being the neck and all (although I can’t be sure because maybe I was relieved to have a distraction from another bath related challenge that was going on!).

One thing that did amaze me is that I felt so consenting and ready for this that I would have happily stayed put and stayed quiet had the shaving happened a bit more then a bit more, maybe even up until it looked like one of them bowl cuts what ye old monks have! Like it felt completely right and completely ok. It didn’t feel distressing or upsetting. It actually felt calming and soothing and safe. Again, I’m not sure if that was in its own right or as a distraction from other things but whatever it was it felt so much better than I could have imagined even though there were feelings of shock (probably why I kept so still) and being humbled in there. Dare I say it I might have even felt a bit proud!

I wish I took a photo of the sweet little bit of hair that was removed. I’ve got my head down whilst kneeling on all fours because I’m already feeling a whole barrage of subjugated emotions by this point anyway and then unexpectedly I feel the shaving brush delicately making gentle little circular motions around the lowest point of my hairline on my neck!

I had no idea what was happening or what to expect until I heard he and she talking about which razor to use. I’m still trying to piece together which emotions happened at which time throughout this to be honest.

I can’t guarantee that I will feel exactly the same when it comes to my full head shave but I do feel a sense of having had a sweet little taster and it’s opened my mind to the idea that it might not be all about feeling humiliated, degraded and shamed (that’s not why he wants to do it anyway, that’s more of a me thing!) and that there is a likelihood of some amazing positive feelings occurring too. The mind blowing thing is that now I have experienced an introductory little shave on my hairline, I’m getting some positive and even enthusiastic feelings (amongst the nerves and fears) about getting my head shaved and the reason this is mind blowing is that I consider it to be genuine conditioning as I come more and more round to the idea (as my previous blogs on this subject will confirm!).

Like I’ve gone from feeling that a head shave is about being humbled and shamed to realising that actually, amongst all that stuff, there is potential for feelings of pride and reassurance and maybe even tranquillity to be embraced too.

Frankly if this isn’t what being a conditioned slave is then I don’t know what it. Sometimes I have to tell myself I’m one mad bird and is it really me writing this. Hey ho.

Afterwards when I asked what it looked like Sir began telling me not to worry it wasn’t much etc etc and I found myself saying that he didn’t need to explain that to me (I felt a bit bossy then! Sowwy!!).

I guess I wanted to make it clear that I truly and genuinely consent in that even if I’d left looking wonky or with a rude word shaved in, my submission would have remained and still in the best frame of mind ever. I say this because I believe the nature of my consent is true enough that it wouldn’t have been up to me if Sir wanted to do a bit more than a nice little tidy up of my whispy bits of hair at the base of my scalp. This is so real! Wow! I feel genuinely ready for this now and more positive and powerful about it than ever. I’m either living the dream or I’m a few chairs short of a barbershop! Frankly I’m fascinated and obsessed and excited about what this is doing to my mind. Happy days!

Adding a third – the dominant’s perspective.

aveburysarsenTNI’ve long fantasised about having a series of uninvolved “thirds” to add a new dimension to our play. I always assumed it would be a one-off – maybe a few one-offs if we were lucky. We’ve been fortunate enough, in the past, to have this with people we like, and it’s been good (c_b likes me to have “holiday cover” and tries to arrange it). I hadn’t considered that it would be likely that we would establish a new long-term dynamic involving a third person, but that is what is happening.

As it emerged that this was likely I was beset with excitement, a deep desire to give it a go and… Worries.

Firstly, curvy_bottom and I both knew the couple concerned (totallycoverme and Dragonfyre42) relatively well and liked them a lot. I didn’t want to disrupt that.

Big stuff

Both the couples involved have a big love thing going on. I needed to understand not just the impact on my relationship this might have but also the ethical/moral issues arising from the possible changes this would create in the other couple’s relationship. I didn’t feel I could encourage this to develop unless I was as sure as I could be that it would strengthen things for all and not weaken or disrupt them.

I am also an exhibitionist and I thought blogging on this from the beginning would be fascinating for me, the others involved and a bit of an audience (it has – views on my blog have tripled). I knew this might not work either at the beginning or in the early stages and I did not want to raise participants’ expectations. It still could fail, I guess. I’m exposing myself and don’t want to look too much of a prat!

Small stuff

There were other, less important issues too:

  • The girls involved fancy each other like crazy – how would I feel about that?
  • The third person wants to be objectified and used. Tricky, because she is difficult to see other than as a whizzingly energetic, positive enthusiast for life. I need to keep some distance.
  • Part of the reason for this is to give me an outlet for a degree of sadism I wont offer to curvy_bottom (the love thing gets in the way). But she likes the person too and is always caring to my victims – on a continuing basis (and not a one-off) would this work?
  • I wanted to create a sex toy for curvy_bottom and I – if i was to succeed the third would need to realise that she would never be centre of attention at these moments. could that work?

Well, so far, all has been better than well 🙂

First, both have a huge service dynamic and respect for authority, and I have managed to be effective enough to be respected by them.

Second, the two girls love playing together, in a subby way and this makes me feel like king of the world (The first time they worked together to shave my bits was a magical, giggly experience).

Third, having met and talked things through with totallycoverme’s master I am absolutely content that both see this as very positive and that we all know our boundaries.

Fourth, when curvy_bottom and I make love totallycoverme loves to be used and feels pleased as punch to help out. She never gets involved other than as a toy. She does have opportunities for sexual satisfaction in a non-penetrative way that are always completely separate in time and space from being our helpful toy.

Fifth, curvy_bottom is enjoying having someone to protect. And someone to have girly, subby conversations with.

Last, we all (four – not three ) want the dynamic to grow and have clear and similar ideas on how it could evolve.

So, I’ve set my initial concerns aside. I shall try to be objective in future so I notice tensions before they hurt things. But I’m getting committed rather than involved.

Performing Nadu – by totallycoverme

0004f9ec-a95d-9925-3787-f2bd8beaf1fe_110I knew that I was going to be asked to do nadu. We had been talking about protocols and slave positions and I simply knew it was going to happen.

My first understanding of nadu was that it was for the purpose of the submissive showing themselves to be available to serve. It also had a humiliating aspect to it for someone who doesn‘t like to be exposed and is not an exhibitionist (that‘ll be me then!). My initial thoughts and ideas turned out true but I also experienced some unexpected feelings and ideas once I was putting it into practice.

A cushion was put on the floor for me in the corner of the room and I was asked to perform nadu. I began, even then with an amount of reluctance, by showing the kneeling position that I was most familiar with through previous experience: I knelt with my knees closed together, my hands behind my back and my head down. As a shy person I find this the easiest way to kneel and I wanted to offer this as a first option to see if this would be satisfactory. Once in this position I was told that I knew that this was not nadu. I was to do it properly.800px-The_Gor_Project_1_by_mjranum_stock

I open my legs to be told that they need to be as wide apart as they can be. Then I place my hands on my knees with palms facing upwards. So far this is mortifying but not unbearable.The real difficulty came in being told to put my head up.

Being asked to put my head up takes away my remaining element of privacy and this makes it a big deal.

Head up

Keeping my head down allows me to focus on the floor and hide my embarrassment (perhaps even an amount of shame that I can‘t quite put my finger on). As soon as I have to put my head up all of that final bit of dignity feels like it is no longer there. That‘s actually quite a hard pill to swallow because it takes away that little bit of peace and privacy that you can hold onto whilst keeping your head down.

I eventually did put my head up because I don‘t think that it is good service to keep someone waiting and having to repeat their instruction to you. Once my head was up it took a lot of persistence on my part not to keep dropping it back down.

It feels so exposing and squirmy when you realise that you‘re kneeling with your legs apart offering your submission so physically blatantly. When in this situation I didn‘t know where to look because I kept giggling and squirming and cringing and urgh! It was really difficult I can tell you! I was so grateful when I was told that I could close my eyes because it helped me to calm down and focus and it made the nadu position more about the people I was doing it for rather than my own discomfort with it and I think this is important.

I was then instructed to adopt the position of Sula and I think that strangely this came as a bit of a relief although I was still too focussed on my own embarrassment to go from one position to another in a way that was graceful and pleasing (I must work on that). The Sula position was required for functional reasons that lead to more things which lead to more things.

Whilst curvy_bottom was preparing for something that was to follow, Belasarius asked me whether I was doing anything and seeing that I wasn‘t doing anything, what should I be doing? (kind of like when someone catches you messing about when you‘re supposed to be working). I quickly remembered that when not serving in a directly active way that I need to be in nadu and got into the position there on the spot. It came quicker and more naturally this time but I still felt myself squeezing my eyes closed together much more so than had I simply been relaxed and asleep.

Pride in service

Later on that evening I found myself doing nothing in particular and I used my initiative to drop into nadu rather than awkwardly standing trying to cover myself again (ha!). I was pleased that I was picking it up because this was met with a very happy reaction from Belasarius. I think this is the first instance in which performing nadu gave me a sense of pride which took my focus away from feeling embarrassed so that was nice.

In this moment I gained a glimpse of what it could be to use nadu in a proud way rather than feel humiliated by it.

I hope I will be able to understand the importance of using nadu to take pride in my submission rather than feel exposed and humiliated by it. I think this will probably take some time based on how I‘m wired but overall it is important to me to make my service about what I can offer rather than obsessing about whether I feel humiliated or exposed by something or not. Maybe I‘ll always feel this way about some things but that isn‘t enough of a reason not to try to do it well.

I was also pleased to observe that when wearing ankle cuffs, the closest thing to nadu for comfort in that context is to cross my legs at the front in order to stop the pressure of the cuffs digging into my legs too much.

So that, ladies and gentlemen, is my first experience of performing nadu. Going forward I want to improve on doing it with grace and certainty regardless of how I feel. I think it is a valuable and useful concept and a challenging and worthwhile thing to work on.

I would love to be able to do it immediately without having to be told. I would take so much pride in that. I think a key thing that I have picked up from nadu so far is that taking pride in giving service should come before focussing on whether you feel humiliated or not. I think pride in service is so important because it‘s about pushing yourself to offer as much as you possibly can. I like this. Nadu makes sense to me in this respect.

Whipping position

I should also add that I was asked to take the whipping position in order to receive a paddle once on each cheek for failing to do something that was asked of me prior to meeting. I knew that this punishment was coming. It was both expected and deserved and I felt that the position was suitable and effective in being able to offer myself for what was deserved. I like that the whipping position is not dependant on furniture or any paraphernalia at all in order for punishment to be given or pleasure to be taken. I would say that the whipping position is constructive in being able to offer service.

Also, I‘ve been telling Master (Dragonfyre42) about how embarrassed I was to perform nadu and it made him giggle because he said that I even sounded embarrassed describing it to him and the fact that I did it. Wow!

All the blogs on our new journey are here.

Preparating for service – totallycoverme’s routine

0004f9ec-a95d-9925-3787-f2bd8beaf1fe_110Belasarius asked me to write a blog about how I mentally and physically prepare myself before service. The mental bit shouldn’t be too difficult because I often write about my mind but he thinks writing about the physical element of it will be embarrassing for me and he is right.

I’m sitting here asking myself why I’m so willing to write about something that I find intimate and embarrassing and I’m asking myself why I’m choosing to do this because I feel silly and daft and I’m cursing at myself a bit for doing it but my need to be pleasing is greater than my need to say “I ain’t doing it” and that in itself feels like a big and fascinating thing.

Maybe I’m  getting closer to doing stuff I don’t want to do (limits acknowledged) because I really like being of service.

This is perplexing and thrilling and, oh yeah – did I mention, embarrassing.

My physical preparations are less about my vanity and more about being pleasing. Having leg and underarm hair doesn’t bother me too much if it’s there so my main reason for shaving that is because I don’t think it’s acceptable to turn up having not made the effort.

Down there

I will normally shave every two weeks if left to my own devices but I will increase that frequency if I am going to serve before the two-week point is up.

If shaving down there before service I will always make that bit more effort to pay attention to detail than if it was just for my own reasons for doing it. I decided upon this after having felt what it is like having candle wax removed when a stray hair or two has caught in it. (I don’t know if it’s going to feel better or worse by throwing it out there that I feel a bit dirty writing about all my physical preparations so far).

From three days before service I will apply moisturiser all over each night because my skin suffers from a bit of blotchiness as a result of my love of junk food (I consent to this and roll with it I guess). Sometimes it contains self tan sometimes it doesn’t.

Just before heading off to serve on the day I will apply concealer to absolutely anywhere I think will benefit from it. I don’t know if this is a standard thing or a me thing but I feel it is right to do so. I will also do a spray of perfume and have a breath mint. Again not something I normally do but I think it’s proper.

I don’t usually wear make up either but I like to do it almost as a mask when serving because if I blush when embarrassed or humiliated I like it to be less noticeable. I don’t know if it actually works or if it’s a mind over matter thing. It often all gets smudged in the end but still.

I wear whatever I feel like when travelling to serve because it doesn’t stay on for long anyway.

When packing my handbag I check that I have got my play collar, my book that I have been given to record things in and any other accessories that I have been asked to bring.

I did this blog as part of my service in being asked to do it so as strange and exposed and intimate as it felt to write it I hope it was satisfactory in some way. I’ll come back and write about the mental preparation in another instalment.

More about

a new journey” – incorporating a plaything into our dynamic

The toy, the plaything, the added extra :)

286723It’s actually pretty hard to know what to call her/it 🙂 not being into objectification or humiliation or stuff. But we are working on it 🙂

The first time was a bit of a blast, and you’ll have read about it in the other blogs.

Interestingly, there are some specific memories that are with me now (and will probably stay for always!) – spotty underwear (“ooh, mine are like that only with bigger spots”) and crying when she got paddled, and the bedroom picnic 🙂 Not to mention the swearing and the covering of bits.

Anyway – we’ve met since, both for play and at the midweek munch, with her Master, and we are creating an unusual, occasionally challenging but always fascinating dynamic.

It’s hard to get the balance right – between the protective instinct and the delight that he can do horrid things to someone else!!!

It’s also interesting to have someone to compare notes with, so to speak. She is opposite to the writer in some respects, wanting pain and objectification in a way that is really not desired here. But we are very similar in the service aspect of our submission.

If he wants to beat me then of course he can – but he struggles with it a bit, as he knows that he has a sub not a pain slut (and before going on, it may be sensible to make it clear – this isn’t being judgemental: it’s about using terms that people accept as generally expressive of BDSM traits). Because he is emotionally attached, it makes it harder not to be a bit soft on this girl (he says). Not that you’d notice, the way he flogs the **** out of this girl! But enough digression… When he sees that she can take and wants the pain of a beating, he can go ahead: he and she gets what they want. Getting to narrow eyes and hiss ‘you meanie’ – and cuddle her after – makes it more of a shared experience. It’s all good.

Anyway – it will be fascinating to see how things develop. He has plans for more wax play,

English: Wax play on nipple.
Photo credit: Wikipedia

which is messy fun! – and intends for all of us to work on the dynamic as well as protocols. The is also the likelihood of an event if we can synchronise diaries 🙂 she is to be in a collar and lead – guess who is meant to hold the other end? #aaaagh 😉

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About last night…

aveburysarsenTNcurvy_bottom and I went to the Manchester Midweek Munch last night.

Our new toy, totallycoverme, tipped up, with her master, Dragonfyre42.

I think we all worried about this a little – even though sharing aspects of someone isn’t new to any of us.

0004f9ec-a95d-9925-3787-f2bd8beaf1fe_110We needn’t. OK, I’m sure it helped that we all new (and liked) each other anyway – but changed situations CAN be awkward.

Not a bit of it. We talked about loads of stuff – and we addressed the elephant in the room (not a physical description of totallycoverme), the “aspects of sharing” that are developing, straight up – between ourselves and in front of others.

Right now this couldn’t feel any healthier.


Entering anothers’ world

0004f9ec-a95d-9925-3787-f2bd8beaf1fe_110Thank you, @totallycoverme, for this:


I think one of the first things I said to Master when I came in after my adventure with Belasarius and curvy_bottom was  “I had an awesome time. Thank you so much for letting me out to do what I need to do.”


I came home all bouncy and spaced and trippy and it was important to thank Dragonfyre42 for letting me go out and get my needs met. This takes a lot of strength on his part to facilitate this – but it is all about supporting each other to do what we need to do in order to live our lives to the fullest.

It makes me a much better partner for him when I’ve been able to go out and have awesome experiences that fulfil my needs for S&M. It makes me less tetchy and grumpy and far more constructive in our D/s, M/s. O&P dynamic.

It turns out that Master had a nice night in too because he was able to catch up on an amount of telly that my shorter concentration span won’t allow for. In this respect, I am pleased that everyone concerned got something positive out of that evening. This probably goes to show that you can have D/s, M/s. O&P as a separate thing from S&M but that’s another blog all in itself.

When I am at home with Master I am his partner, lover and best friend and I massively value the input I am able to give to him in offering him my service every day.


Use me up, wear me out

When it comes to my need to feel used and useful in terms of S&M though, I am excited about what I am beginning to explore with Belasarius and curvy_bottom because I feel that they are able to give me this (or perhaps more to the point, it is about what I am able to give to them). 

I had high expectations of our first play meet because it’s something we’d talked about at length and we already had a reasonable measure of each other from previous meets.

As I mentioned in my first message to Belasarius having responded to my advert:

“You both get a lot of bonus points for potential of this being possible because both Master and I know you both and enjoy talking to you both. Added to that you get even more bonus points because, from attending the O&P meetings, we have a reasonable understanding of what our main BDSM relationships are about and this will probably make it easier to take each others commitments, goals, limits and tastes into account.”

So yeah, I had a good feeling about it before it started. The journey to meet them on the day we had planned to play (as always, for want of better word) was an interesting one because with all parties being experienced in S&M and a BDSM lifestyle in general, I took it as read that if it had been discussed prior to play then it was entirely possible that it could happen.

Head f**k

So I was genuinely worried that I would be transported from our meeting point to our destination in the boot of a car. Because everyone involved has an interest in protocol and mental BDSM (and because I have an over-active imagination!), I kept thinking that I would step off the train and then be given the signal for me to be quiet and then escorted to the boot of their car and then blindfolded once inside our destination and told to undress before stepping further. I genuinely believed that this would happen exactly like this. I’m relieved to say that in this instance I was pleased to find that there is luckily a gap between my overactive imagination and the pleasant reality of what actually happened in that I was greeted and transported in a friendly and welcoming way.

In using public transport to get to our meeting point, my mind was really quite wondering and nervous because as much as I was looking forward to being of service and use before a scene, I think when two or more experienced BDSM people meet up to play there is always that unspoken open-mindedness that the gently-gently approach may not be necessary. 

I was appreciative of distractions on my commute. This included a fair few drunk people, general busyness and the fact that I was blasting some happy hardcore music through my earphones. I always get a bit nervous before a scene (I’d be concerned if I wasn’t to be honest). It’s like a nervous excitement and a feeling of “omg what am I doing”. It’s nice. I think I’d miss these feelings and feel concerned that in their absence things would feel too mundane and predictable. Overall as someone who needs a good head f**k, I feel that things were, so far, as I  wanted them to be. 

Minding my language

You’ll notice that I made the effort to censor typing a swearword because we had previously discussed that I absolutely must not swear because Belasarius doesn’t like swear words and for a fair enough reason too. For me this is massively challenging because, when not in the workplace and talking like a real person in a relaxed and colloquial way I am very sweary. I do it if I feel anything from angry to excited, passionate to nervous.

I found it genuinely challenging to not swear and I still cringe at this because I absolutely said that I would not swear when in their company and I think that my swearing (even if it was in nervous excitement) let me down a bit.

I am entirely going to work on that because I think it’s important to use a language around people that is reasonable and respectful within what they expect of you whether it’s a BDSM thing or not, especially if they’re being so nice to you in other ways.


Which leads me to the next part of this write up…once taken into a room where the lovely curvy_bottom helped me to undress and gave me lots of lovely reassurance and the comfort of some nice fluffy slippers to wear, I found myself taken into the kitchen and offered a drink. Out of general shyness I kept using my hands to cover my taboo areas but I soon found myself with my hands cuffed behind my back. I was only able to consume my drink by the two of them taking turns in angling it in a way that I could sip from the glass in a totally dependant way. As subtle as this sounds, I found it very humbling and mind blowing to experience being this dependant on others in order to be able to do something as simple as having a drink. This really heightened my headspace for what was to follow.

After this that I found myself sat on the lounge floor whilst listening to the plan for the evening and how I would be useful to them both. When someone is telling you all this stuff that they’re going to enjoy doing to you on the one hand it’s important to be attentive, when not having played before, but on the other hand you’re feeling pretty darn excited all whilst riding a wave of healthy nervousness too. So. yeah. that was good.

I was immensely honoured to be shown little bits of the book that they keep to make notes of ideas and approaches to protocol and all that good stuff. I think it’s always nice when people introduce you to little interesting snippets of their world like that.

I was even more honoured to be presented with my own little book to write things down in. The purpose of this will be to write notes about general and high protocol and what is expected of me in those instances.

I have yet to do this because it is ultra important for me to do it well and neatly and accurately.


I’m very excited about it though because what is special about Belasarius and curvy_bottom is that they enjoy a level of protocol that falls extremely in line with the sort of thing I’ve always wanted to explore but is sadly so niche that I have yet to experience it to the extents that I so desire.

I guess you could say that maybe I’ve just been given the keys to a car that I’ve always been keen to drive in this respect.

After bringing myself to kneel down to eat the sweet little cake chopped into dog bowl friendly pieces for the sake of energy levels, the evening flowed in a severely pleasant way and I feel that everyone got their needs met.

Pain and recovery

It was so sweet how curvy_bottom held me and I could feel her emotions as she empathised with the pain I was taking and it gave me a lot of pleasure to be able to accept the pain that Belasarius wanted to give me.

After losing track of time with this continued sort of thing, I found myself tucked up in bed eating olives, hummus, leaves and falafel and having a good chat about cheese and other stuff.

It was ultra good.


I’ve got round to writing about all this three days after it happened because give or take a bit that’s how long it has taken me to finish riding my nice little floaty wave and because I was asked to write this blog (much as I’d have probably wanted to do it anyway), I wanted to write it in a way that did it more justice than just blurting out a plethora of giddiness while still riding that big first wave.

I don’t like to be too forward but I am definitely looking forward to next time in a tremendous way.

Between now and then I look forward to writing in my nice little book (thank you again for that!), getting used to removing the swear words from my colloquial mode of speech and becoming more familiar with the protocols that I am looking forward to embracing to heighten the level of service and usefulness that I hope to give.

Fitting in a fucktoy

aveburysarsenTNThere I am plunging energetically into curvy_bottom. Someone else is sitting behind me fondling my balls as I slide in and out of my darling. I ask the person behind me to put her head between both our legs so I can feel my testicles tingle on the static generated by her wiry hair.

I look down at my partner. “I love you”. She nods and reaches up to me. we kiss. “I love you”, she says. I become urgent. I feel my balls tighten. She smiles again as she feels the heat of me inside her. We hold each other. Our friend stays quiet still.

It all started with this personal ad, on Fetbook:

Here goes nothing 🙂

I am seeking a very submissive female with no desire to be in any sort of relationship with c_b or myself but who would enjoy the one-off or once-in-a-while  opportunity to be used as a sex toy.

Of course, we’d like someone whose company we enjoy – and who enjoys ours – but at the end of the day, this is all about giving someone who gets their rocks off on a combination of objectification and sexual service the opportunity to help us get our rocks off too.

c_b would like an occasional dress-up dolly for us to take to parties and with whom she can indulge herself by bathing, grooming and dressing her beforehand (to my specification).

 I find it inconvenient that, for example, I can’t suck on both her bubbies at the same time when rogering her – or that she can’t easily handle my testicles whilst I’m giving her a seeing-to.

 It won’t suit you if you want to do anything much other than do as you are told 🙂

 However, this isn’t a something for nothing deal. If you find something like this even slightly appealing, I would love to talk to you about what would really work for you and how we can make you glow too.

It wasn’t a threesome. It was never a threesome. This was the second meeting with our new toy, whom I’d approached after reading her remarkably compatible “want ad” on Fetlife.

She has a very secure, long-term, established, live-in “taken-in-hand” relationship with her master and she characterises herself as “slave”. She wants to be used and serve in a very SM way (she was also the cunt-punchee).

In those first two evenings together (and with lots of talking before, after and in between) we all discovered that she was an addition, not a distraction: someone there to offer a service – not someone we were having sex with in addition to ourselves. Even when they rose above me to let me watch their kisses whilst they entwined hands around my cock it was because I wanted to see this, c_b wants to please me and the third just wants to be useful.

She does nothing to distract us or say “look at me” when all we want to do is wrap ourselves in us.

In fact she says:

After causing me pain whether that be a cunt punching/whipping/shaving/paddling etc it makes me super happy if you are overcome with the need to fuck there and then and I guess that’s the great thing about private play 🙂 I am more than happy to be left to suffer while you do your thing 🙂

We hope we can satisfy her needs without any of us feeling entangled or jealous or duty bound. It’s not that she feels uninvolved or denied satisfaction. What we all do together makes her hot and she’s pleased to be told she can rub one out. It seems like the equal but opposite thing working out, yet again.

She gets what she needs from all the service she provides. I get an outlet for my sadism. curvy_bottom gets someone to protect.

No-one feels guilty because we all have someone we love that supports us in this. We all feel good because we get what we need. And we are becoming friends.


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