Tag: safeword

This article looks at data from 519 respondents to the safeword survey. It analyses the number of play partners that people of different BDSM orientations and BDSM components  said that they have had in the last year.

The survey respondents indicated that, in most cases, respondents had more than two play partners in a year (the average is between two and three).

Play partners are people with whom the respondents had BDSM interactions, in private or at parties or clubs, but with whom they do not have an enduring relationship outside BDSM play.

Numbers of play partners

No’s of play partners in last 12 months – All	0 or 1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	>10
Female	36%	21%	15%	7%	5%	5%	1%	1%	1%	8%
Bottom/Submissive	40%	23%	14%	7%	4%	4%	2%	1%	0%	4%
Switch	31%	13%	15%	3%	10%	10%	0%	5%	3%	10%
Top/Dominant	15%	15%	26%	8%	8%	3%	0%	0%	3%	23%
Male	31%	19%	19%	9%	5%	7%	4%	2%	0%	5%
Bottom/Submissive	40%	14%	21%	10%	5%	3%	2%	2%	0%	3%
Switch	28%	19%	17%	9%	9%	6%	9%	4%	0%	0%
Top/Dominant	28%	22%	19%	8%	3%	9%	3%	1%	0%	8%
Total	34%	20%	17%	8%	5%	6%	3%	2%	1%	6%

 

The table above show’s the percentage of respondents by gender and BDSM orientation that said they have had multiple play partners in the last year, tabulated by the number of partners stated. Men, with the exception of tops/dominants seem slightly less likely to play with multiple partners than do women. Women, especially tops/dominants appear more likely to have more than ten play partners in a year – but this is affected by small sample size. I also understand from private responses to the survey that some responses in this category came from pro-dommes who counted their clients as play partners.

Percentage with two or more play partners

Across the entire sample around two thirds of respondents said they had two or more play partners in a year. In general, tops/dominants are more likely to have multiple play partners than bottoms/submissives and Sadists/masochists were more likely to have multiple play partners than either M/s or D/s respondents. Women, especially those into S/m play, seem slightly more likely to have multiple play partners.

The 100% result for male switches who characterise their BDSM component as master (mistress) and slave is based on six responses.

I looked at the average number of people each group said they had played with in the last 12 months. In the next chart, below, people who said they played with 10 or more people are excluded, because this massively elevates the means, even though people with 10 or more partners only represent six per cent of all respondents to the question. For completeness, a chart showing the averages for the entire sample is included immediately above the sub-heading “data used in this article.

It’s clear that, other than amongst those who characterise themselves as tops/dominants, that Sadists/masochists have more play partners than other BDSM components and that S/m switches,especially men, say they play with more people than any other group.

Inclusion of the six per cent of respondents who said they had more than ten play partners significantly changes the picture! Not sure how helpful it is though!

Data used in this article

This article uses data from a question in the BDSM safeword survey where people were asked how many play partners they had had in the last 12 months. The answer allowed people to input any number. A small number of very high responses (people who had had 557,774,456, 100,000 and 9,800 play partners in the last 12 months) were eliminated.

I think I need to phrase this question more helpfully in the future: It was apparent that many respondents who said they only played with their relationship partner indicated that they had one play partner. I had intended that people should record numbers of partners additional to relationship partners. I have therefore combined the scores for people who recorded either zero or one play partner.

519 people answered the question. 33 stated they had had more than 10 partners in the last year, broken down as follows:

• 10-20 partners – 18 respondents
• 20-50 partners – 15 respondents
• More than 50 partners – 3 respondents

The data used for this article is in the table below:

No’s of play partners in last 12 months – All	0 or 1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	>10	All
Female	109	64	47	20	16	15	4	4	3	23	305
Bottom/Submissive	91	53	31	16	9	10	4	2	1	10	227
Switch	12	5	6	1	4	4		2	1	4	39
Top/Dominant	6	6	10	3	3	1			1	9	39
Male	67	40	40	19	11	14	9	4		10	214
Bottom/Submissive	23	8	12	6	3	2	1	1		2	58
Switch	15	10	9	5	5	3	5	2			54
Top/Dominant	29	22	19	8	3	9	3	1		8	102
Total	176	104	87	39	27	29	13	8	3	33	519
No’s of play partners in last 12 months – S/m	0 or 1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	>10	All
Female	12	8	8	4	5	3	1		2	6	49
Bottom/Submissive	6	6	3	3	1		1		1	2	23
Switch	4	2	2		4	3			1	2	18
Top/Dominant	2		3	1						2	8
Male	13	4	8	8	4	3	4	1		4	49
Bottom/Submissive	4			4		1				1	10
Switch	4	1	5	2	2	1	3	1			19
Top/Dominant	5	3	3	2	2	1	1			3	20
Total	25	12	16	12	9	6	5	1	2	10	98
No’s of play partners in last 12 months – M/s	0 or 1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	>10	All
Female	25	12	4	4	1	5	1	1		7	60
Bottom/Submissive	23	9	2	3	1	5	1	1		6	51
Switch	1	1	1								3
Top/Dominant	1	2	1	1						1	6
Male	11	4	4	3		2				3	27
Bottom/Submissive	3		2								5
Switch	0	1		1							2
Top/Dominant	8	3	2	2		2				3	20
Grand Total	36	16	8	7	1	7	1	1	0	10	87
No’s of play partners in last 12 months – D/s	0 or 1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	>10	All
Female	72	44	35	12	10	7	2	3	1	10	196
Bottom/Submissive	62	38	26	10	7	5	2	1		2	153
Switch	7	2	3	1		1		2		2	18
Top/Dominant	3	4	6	1	3	1			1	6	25
Male	43	32	28	8	7	9	5	3		3	138
Bottom/Submissive	16	8	10	2	3	1	1	1		1	43
Switch	11	8	4	2	3	2	2	1			33
Top/Dominant	16	16	14	4	1	6	2	1		2	62
Total	115	76	63	20	17	16	7	6	1	13	334

Related articles

• BDSM safeword survey – does age alter behaviour? (belasarius.com)
• BDSM safeword survey – Are safewords essential in all BDSM transactions? (belasarius.com)
• BDSM Safeword Survey: what people said about safeword use. (belasarius.com)
• BDSM People who like “pain” and safewords (belasarius.com)
• Safeword Survey – who uses them with their principal partners (belasarius.com)
• BDSM Safeword Survey – who uses safewords with play partners (belasarius.com)
• Differing dynamics: S/m, M/s and D/s (belasarius.com)
• The Gender Gap (belasarius.com)
• BDSM People and multiple partnerships (from styles and relationships survey) (belasarius.com)

In the safeword survey I recently completed I asked people to comment on their use of safewords with relationship and play partners. 532 people answered the question There were 118 comments.This article quotes all those additional comments, splitting them by whether they related to play or relationship partners and by gender and BDSM orientation.

This earlier article on the use of safewords with relationship partners add this, on the use of safewords with play partners, may be useful to read alongside this.

Use of safewords with relationship partners

59 people left additional comments on this question.

Women

Bottoms/submissives

Who:

“Always use a safeword”:

• But have never had to use it.
• I always have a safeword but do not often use my safeword, in fact, in 14 years, i have used it twice.
• I always have a safeword there if needed, but rarely use it.
• I have a safeword but have never used it
• I have a safeword to use, I don’t necessarily invoke it
• I have a safeword, but have never had to use it
• i have one, only used it once in 5 years. It does not end the scene, just lets Sir know something is amiss.
• We have a safe word but it has never been used.
• We have agreed safewords, though they are rarely used
• When it’s a principal partner, the safeword is just an unspoken thing once negotiated in first woo-ing stage. It might not get used for years, but if it ever was used, it would be  honoured.

(10 comments)

“mostly use a safeword:

• Partner knows when to stop as knows my body very well
• Sometimes if my partners prefers for ‘no’ to mean ‘no’ then I play that way instead.

(2 comments)

“Never use a safeword”:

• He knows me well enough that we haven’t needed one
• he knows me well, i gave it up on the day he collared me as my gift to him to show my utter trust in him
• I am submissive so it’s not in my nature to safeword as I want to please; my master protects me
• I dont use a safeword with my partner
• i have a safeword i’m just stubborn
• i have never had to use a safe word their use signify’s to me a lack of awareness between partners
• I have never yet needed to use a safe word but I would if it came down to it.
• I have one, but have never used it.
• I would consider using one if it was important to a roleplay that I was able to ‘resist’
• I’m not permitted one.
• I’ve never needed to use a safeword.
• not necessary, partner v responsible, can read me well and will stop before I need him to
• when I was in a committed relationship the level of trust meant I didn’t need one

(12 comments)

“I mostly DON’T use a safeword”

• Do you mean during play, or do I have one? I have a safeword, I just rarely <need to> use it
• he knows me well enough for me not to need one    but it is still availiable should i want to use it
• I don’t use a safeword with my principal play partner (hard to define whether this is a “relationship”
• I have a safe word, I have never used it, nor do I expect to.
• I have a safeword, but try not to use it.
• I have one but have only used it once (when nipple clamp broke and embedded into me), don’t play with someon unless i know they can read me
• I have one but have very rarely felt need to use it.
• I use “no” and “stop” if safewords aren’t applicable
• I usually default to the standard “red light” etc, but almost never need it.

(9 comments)

Switches

“Always use a safeword”:

(0 comments)

“mostly use a safeword:

• I always HAVE a safeword but I have NEVER had to use it yet. Can’t select this from options

(1 comment)

“Never use a safeword”:

• I don’t have one, but on the very rare occasion when something has been ‘wrong’ my partner has read my response and recognised the need to respond appropriately
• we have a safeword but i have never had to use it

(2 comments)

“I mostly DON’T use a safeword”:

• We have one established, but it’s never had a need to be used.

(1 comments)

Tops/dominants

“Always use a safeword”:

• I require a sub to have a safeword but have never really had it invoked.
• Our safeword is No, unless we discuss otherwise and use the traffic light system.

(2 comments)

“mostly use a safeword:

(0 comment)

“Never use a safeword”:

(0 comments)

“I mostly DON’T use a safeword”:

(0 comments)

Men

Bottoms/submissives

“Always use a safeword”:

• Haven’t actually used it but it is always available

(1 comments)

“Mostly use a safeword:

• the need for one rarely arrises, but agree one just in case

(1 comment)

“Never use a safeword”:

• No partner

(1 comments)

“I mostly DON’T use a safeword”:

• Not needed with established relationships

(1 comments)

Switches

“Always use a safeword”:

• It’s there but I’ve never needed it. Please feel free to recode this if you feel that isn’t using a safeword.
• When I say I always uss a safeword, I mean that my partner and I have a safeword agreed, and so it’s always there. Doesn’t mean we actually feel that we need one for every scene.

(2 comments)

“mostly use a safeword:

(0 comment)

“Never use a safeword”:

• I always have a safeword I hate hearing it. I try to develop a very intimate connection and know rather than hear when things are getting too much for them.
• I don’t have a partner
• I have never needed to, as I have (apart from one exceptional case) been in a position where “no” or “stop” didn’t mean what they say.
• n/a no in a relationship
• Never get to safeword level
• never play with the gf

(6 comments)

“I mostly DON’T use a safeword”:

• I prefer to discuss things beforehand to reduce the need of a safeword.

(1 comment)

Tops Dominants

“Always use a safeword”:

• ..But only one, which stops all play, possibly indefinitely.  I don’t use stop/go/traffic light safewords.
• actually, she does
• some partners dont

(3 comments)

“mostly use a safeword:

• my current sub does not safeword though I give her the option

(1 comment)

“Never use a safeword”:

• I have suggested it might be a good idea but all the subs I have played with disliked the idea

(1 comment)

“I mostly DON’T use a safeword”:

(0 comments)

Use of safewords with play partners

59 people left additional comments on this question.

Women

Bottoms/submissives

Who:

“Always use a safeword”:

• but only play with my Sir.
• I always have a safeword to.use doesn’t  mean I use it.
• I have a safeword but rarely use it
• I have a safeword to use, I don’t necessarily invoke it
• I have never had to use it
• I’m interpreting this q as: I always negotiate the possibility of a safeword with people I do BDSM play with, even though I’ve never yet felt the need to employ it.
• If I did play outside of my principle relationship – safeowrd would be mandatory
• Master puts me with others  and  safeword  is always in place

(8 comments)

“mostly use a safeword:

• I have a safe word, I have rarely used it. I do not expect to have to use it.
• I sometimes forget to use the safeword it the situation overwhelmes me to the point of tears.

(2 comments)

“Never use a safeword”:

• Again, never needed to use one but would if necessary.
• Being used by others is part of what he wants for me. He controls it.
• don’t have play partners
• I never ‘play’ I only have relationships.
• I only play with my sir
• I only play with my partner
• My master always supervises things when he gets other people to play with me.
• My master decides when to stop play
• My master supervises any play I take part in
• My partner decides when things stop
• My partner supervises my use. He decides when things should stop
• When I am required to play with others I trust my partner to ensure I am not harmed more than he wants.

(12 comments)

“I mostly DON’T use a safeword”:

• Depends if I know them well enough not to use a safe word, most of my friends know me well enough to not need a safe word. I rarely play with others.
• He is always there to supervise
• I don’t use safewords because the people i play with i know very well and they know me, i trust them entirely.
• I have given a safeword to a play partner but found it ineffective – he would never have used it.  I stopped play when I felt he was marking badly.
• I only use a safe word when in a new relationship, but expect partners to know and respect my limits.
• I safeworded once but from pleasure not pain
• I use “no” and “stop” if safewords aren’t applicable
• It’s very rare.
• My partner decides whether I should use a safeword when being played with by someone he chooses
• same question: I always HAVE a safeword, however, the one time we played with others I found it hard to use…and I should have

(10 comments)

Switches

“Always use a safeword”:

• I have a safeword, but I’ve not yet needed to use it

(1 comment)

“mostly use a safeword:

• Only use a safeword if I am bottom/submissive, don’t bother if I top/domme as I don’t do any extreme play as a top.
• I always HAVE a safeword but I have NEVER had to use it yet. Can’t select this from options
• When topping, I always insist my bottom has a safeword.  When bottoming, I always have one with new partners.  When I have an ongoing play dynamic with someone, I’m more relaxed about it as I know I keep the ability to communicate well

(3 comments)

“Never use a safeword”:

• (0 comments)

“I mostly DON’T use a safeword”:

• almost never
• With my current play partner. I have done before and may again with (an)other(s)

(2 comments)

Tops/dominants

“Always use a safeword”:

• I play that no doesn’t mean no. Instead, I employ the traffic light system – green ok, amber check in, red stop.

(1 comment)

“mostly use a safeword:

• I only play with those in a relationship

(1 comment)

“Never use a safeword”:

• I know I’m not a nutter, so don’t feel the need.

(1 comment)

“I mostly DON’T use a safeword”:

(0 comments)

Men

Bottoms/submissives

“Always use a safeword”:

(0 comments)

“mostly use a safeword:

• Usually Green, Amber, Red when playing in public with new friends.

(1 comment)

“Never use a safeword”:

• Usually Green, Amber, Red when playing in public with new friends.

(1 comment)

“I mostly DON’T use a safeword”:

(0 comments)

Switches

“Always use a safeword”:

(0 comments)

“mostly use a safeword:

• always a safe word with someone new

(1 comment)

“Never use a safeword”:

• I have (apart from one exceptional case) been in a position where “no” or “stop” didn’t mean what they say.

(1 comments)

“I mostly DON’T use a safeword”:

• Most of my “play” wth other people has been at Peer Rope events; that play doesn’t require a safeword as such.

(1 comment)

Tops Dominants

“Always use a safeword”:

• A safeword is essential for clear FAST communication.
• again, she does
• I listen to their comments.

(3 comments)

“mostly use a safeword:

(0 comment)

“Never use a safeword”:

• Dont play with others outside of my relationship
• I only have one partner
• no play partners outside principal relationship

(3 comments)

“I mostly DON’T use a safeword”:

• have it dont need it
• I’m the top!  I have not had a girl use a safeword during play, and only twice to terminate play forever – once before the first meet!

(2 comments)

Background

This is the third article about the safeword survey I recently conducted. More information about the terms and ideas I use in these surveys can be found here. Information about the demographics of this survey is here.

Related articles

• BDSM Safeword Survey – who uses safewords with play partners (belasarius.com)
• Safeword Survey – who uses them with their principal partners (belasarius.com)
• BDSM safeword survey – does age alter behaviour? (daddysnaughtylittlegirl.wordpress.com)
• One In Three Kinksters Reports A Consent Violation (yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com)
• BDSM People who like “pain” and safewords (belasarius.com)
• Safewords – new, more detailed poll – Please take part (belasarius.com)
• What is BDSM? (kinxfetish.wordpress.com)
• Ask Dr. Berman: How Can I Make My Spanking Fantasy Come True? (drlauraberman.com)