This was written the night before the head shaving. it’s really interesting to see the contrast between the fears and doubts that existed then vs how positive it felt afterwards. One thing that really springs to mind here is that this one often refers to the loss she fears she will feel: in reality, it felt like this one had gained more than she had lost as she sat in the chair having the final bits of hair removed. Such a paradox but yeah. Enjoy 🙂
“I am writing this the night before the head shave. I am sure that I will go ahead with it. To the very best of my knowledge I believe if I was gonna pull out of it I’d have done so by now so as not to mess with peoples heads, time, energy and possibly emotions.
I hope it goes ok. I am looking forward to seeing him and her but hope that I don’t find myself wishing I’d had a quiet night in because I’m terrified of feeling like a freak show. I’m terrified that people will think “aww she’s nuts anyway, this isn’t a big deal and she’s just doing it for attention” because nothing could be more drastically further from the truth.
I trust he and she to look after me but I stand forwarned that I will be taken out of my comfort zone. I can’t imagine wanting to face anyone once my hair has been taken away because I’m dreading looking like a dick. Sounds grumpy as f.ck but I can see just wanting to withdraw kneeling at their feet with my head down.
If it was up to me this would be being done in private but I also want Sir to experience this thing I’m consenting to give him to the height of its potential and as a result I know that he wants it to be public. I want so badly for the people around us to be indifferent or if not indifferent, supportive. This goes to show that I am going to be vulnerable to he and she to look after me. By letting them do this I am saying that I trust them to do right by me in a circumstance where I am giving them a level of submission that makes me publicly vulnerable and exposed. There is a massive load of subtext beyond the head shaving itself in this respect.
I want to do this. It’s something that all parties have held as a curiosity prior to this dynamic even starting. I don’t have a particular fetish for head shaving or being bald but I’ve always been keen to give a level of submission that puts someones needs above my own in a tremendous way because this makes it real and relevant to me and this is probably deep down what I want (I hope!).
Tomorrow I will read over my book that states the public protocols that I am to adhere to. I want to get them right and be on good behaviour. Also selfishly perhaps, I want to focus on these in order to keep my mind focussed and centred.
I am in control here. I could say “sod this entirely” or “maybe another day eh?” but there’s something about this that feels right enough to go ahead with it.
Sir tells me that I will be losing my use of first person personal pronouns once the first hair falls from my head. I’ve tried this in our written dialogue but have yet to do so verbally. I have no idea if I will succeed because my mind is too focussed on the hair thing itself.
This is my last night for a while of feeling my hair against my pillow. Tomorrow will be my last morning of waking up with bed hair and washing it and brushing it. All of this makes it feel really surreal.
I am worried that afterwards I will feel like I’m owed something as in “I’ve given you my hair so now you have to be super extra nice to me always” but I think that’s just me being an embarrassingly clingy nob end and even though put in a mindset of vulnerability and deep submission, I have faith that with my maturity and experience of bdsm over the years it won’t bring out a side of me that I really don’t like.
I’m quite looking forward to my baldness feeling like something I share with them and master only. I plan to always cover my head in public based on how I feel and then remove said wig or hat for their eyes only. I don’t want to feel that my amour or humility is f.ck.d with in front of anyone other than them and that’s what will make it special when I kneel to remove my wig.
I am worried I’ll giggle and mess about as nervous thing and a defence mechanism that mostly serves me well in life. I am worried that I will cry and be undignified and give off an unpleasantly heavy vibe. I’m worried that I’ll have a nice mellow little trip and look like it’s not a big deal to me when it is. Im worried I’ll make it into a big deal when it’s not. Afterall it’s only hair and it does grow back.
But if its only hair that grows back then why don’t more women shave it off. Am I really giving something that special or am I deluding myself and as soon as my head is bald it will be another slave another shaving. I hope the loss I feel is proportionate to the size of what they feel I’m giving (I think I believe it is, I’m just being insecure and f.ck.ng with myself I think).
Tomorrow night (assuming it really doed go ahead), has potential to be a combination of hot, exciting, upsetting and worrying. I guess what’s going on in my head right now is a massive massive hope for those factors to balance in a way that works and gives everyone a night to remember rather than regret because either way it’s going to be blummin memorable and it’s going to take a while for the hair to grow back so there’s so so much riding on this really. Maybe there would be less kerfuzzle if this wasn’t set to happen in public but that’s what Sir wants so that’s what I am happy to consent to and I guess that, in a way, sums up a lot of what this dynamic is about.
I so hope this goes ok. I sort of hope in a weird way that they are as nervous as me maybe. Not sure why but yeah.
Oh well you know what they say, “b.ll.x b.ll.x and more b.ll.x”
Touch wood good luck fingers crossed!!!”