Category: BDSM Definitions

Collaborative work to define common terms that BDSM people use.

What do you call your partner – poll results

aveburysarsenTNFor nearly a year I’ve run a simple poll asking whether dominants and submissives have special names for each other and when they use them.

I’ve closed the polls, really because I’ve got bored more than anything else. Here are the results.

Naming policy

(ie what do people call each other).

NamingSubmissives most frequent response was that they used a general, not a unique name for their partner, followed by using their partner’s given name. However, only around a quarter of the votes from submissives were for using their partner’s given name and just under half were for using a special name – just not an unique one.

Dominants reversed this order of priority, being more likely to use their partners’ given name rather than any special name.

Naming protocol

(ie when do people use these names).

Protocol

I asked people when they used their special names – if they had them. Nearly one in four dominants voted that they didn’t have a naming protocol whilst less than half that proportion of votes from submissives agreed with this.

Dominants were most likely not to have any form of naming protocol. This was the least common choice for submissives.

Setting aside those who didn’t have a naming protocol, The most common result, for both submissives and dominants, was to use a naming protocol when by themselves or at scene events. The second most common return for submissives was using special names only when alone together.

Not proper research

This is a self-selecting sample of people who have responded to this poll over eleven months. I did my best to prevent repeat voting. But:

  • It’s a self selecting sample drawn from fetish/BDSM websites and Twitter.
  • People could vote on any or all of the options – so one vote does not mean one person responding.
  • There were 326 votes on the poll for dominants and 458 on the poll for submissives.

Thanks to all those who took part.

I’m still eagerly looking for participants in my US/UK BDSM and money survey. Absolutely anonymous – find it here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Brat in BDSM

aveburysarsenTNThis is the latest in my BDSM definitions articles and polls. The rest are  on this links page.

Many submissives, define themselves as “brats” often seeing this as a highly positive quality. Some dominants seek bratty partners but others think it is a negative quality or term or believe it isn’t sustainable if it is the main part of a long-term dynamic.

This article proposes a definition for the positive quality of being a brat, as follows:

“A brat is a BDSM submissive who enjoys being mischievous, disobedient and cheeky to their dominant, usually lightheartedly and in expectation of a reaction from their dominant. Brattishness may be temporary or enduring”. (30 May 2014)

So, what do you think?

The above, following comment from others, is a development of the original definition, first posted on 20 March 2014, which was:

“A brat is a BDSM submissive, usually female, who enjoys being mischievous, disobedient and cheeky to their dominant, usually in a lighthearted manner. A brat’s qualities will usually be fundamental to their dynamic. Brattiness may be temporary or enduring”.

71 people had voted for the above definition – 79% of whom said they felt it accurate and appropriate. These definitions aren’t final. This is just a suggestion from me that I’d like your views on – and I’ll build them wherever i can.

Readers may be interested in my views on “slut” too.

The Sexbridge English Dictionary

aveburysarsenTNHere as I find them, or as others give them, I intend to list definitions of common English words given a sexual, preferably BDSM, twist – wry or funny please.

This idea came from BBC Radio 4‘s vintage (but still going) antidote to panel games – “Have I Got news For You” which features the Uxbridge English Dictionary, a game where panelists find new and bladder-looseningly funny definitions for words. Delve here to see what I mean.

Here are my first:

  • Flapjack: A speculum.
  • Twickenham: Twisting nipples, sharply and with force.

All suggestions welcome!

Get a new picture of your kink

aveburysarsenTNI’ve updated my Excel spreadsheet BDSM dashboard.

Download it here: Belasarius_BDSM_dashboard_4.01

It now has 24 additional criteria including a new section on body

corset 001
Photo credit: skulptress9

modification for those of you who are into corsets, tight-lacing, piercing and tattoos.

It also has new options for recording your interest in pain and a few more play and sex choices.

This is what my kink now looks like at the time of writing.

My kink Nov 2013

The original “picture of your kink” spreadsheet is still available.

I will develop this further – The radargram is getting messy and i’d like to include both more kinks and a new section on BDSM roles.

Enjoy – and let me know what you think.

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Slut!

aveburysarsenTNI’m here to proclaim I’m a reclaimer. To be a slut is not always a bad thing.

The word is almost always used about women and almost always derogatively.

But google “I’m a slut for” and you get 308,000 results, many porn related but many just expressing an exuberant, uncontrolled enthusiasm for something non sexual and not related to untidiness or slatternly behaviour. And many are by men.

I’m glad it’s used this way – but I’m also glad to see it used freely and positively in a sexual sense (and that is what this post is about).

My girl sometimes describes herself as “my slut”: She means there are things she’ll do for me she won’t do anywhere else – and with a wanton enthusiasm that comes from wanting to do something for me. This sluttishness, when it happens, feels very special. It’s just for us.

Away from my relationship I don’t think I’d ever (without permission) call a person, especially a woman, a slut. It would be offensive. Current Wiki and dictionary definitions show this (below).

But I glory in people (and they are usually women) who proclaim themselves a slut. For anything – but especially for sexually related stuff. My experience of the proud slut is that she is independent, confident, glories in her sexuality and indulges her appetites guiltlessly.

The Ethical Slut

What is wrong with “The Ethical Slut” proposition that a slut is:

a person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you

Sluttishness seems an innocent thing to me.

If there is one downside it is that the proud female slut is often only behaving in a way that would be thought normal in a man. So, it is sexist.

But it’s also joyful and unconfined and is used as self description by women who don’t accept that being female forces any sort of lifestyle choice on them.

Long live the slut.

Slut – definitions

Related articles

BDSM protocol – a definition

Belasarius

This, my first attempt at a BDSM definition in a while, was prompted by these originally similar threads started by @WayneKing:

Here’s what I think BDSM protocol may be:

“BDSM protocol is  an enduring, habitual, non-verbal expectation of behaviour that people in a consenting BDSM dynamic do for each other whenever it is appropriate to do so, as defined by their rules.”

The “non verbal expectation” is, I think, fundamental and that is @WayneKing’s idea: many thanks.

CurtseyPlease use the poll below to vote on whether you think this definition is right and, if you don’t, please do comment. I will try to incorporate others’ ideas into future versions of the definitions.

Further definitions (and polls) are on this page, which links to articles on each definition.

Related articles

Our protocols

Belasarius

Protocol is what I demand of her that is related to the expression of our BDSM dynamic, rather than our relationship. I see protocol as enduring, habitual, prescribed actions that people in BDSM dynamics do for each other whenever it is appropriate, as defined by their rules.

WayneKing defined protocol as “a non verbal expectation of behaviour” and I couldn’t agree more.

So, protocol doesn’t determine that I might give her a hug, or that we might have a row over something trivial, but it does mean, that if we are at home when hugging or arguing occurs that she will be naked. I’d say that the rule that she has no right to deny me use of her body, within our limits, is part of our dynamic – but not a protocol.

Our basic protocols are:

c. 1530

  • She is pink at home, unless I allow otherwise.
  • She asks permission to leave me, even to go into another room and waits until it is given.
  • She doesn’t use the personal pronoun in speech
  • She asks permission to perform bodily functions
  • She goes to bed when I ask her, not when she wants to.
  • She isn’t supposed to use furniture unless i say so but (memo to me) I’ve got a little lax on this.
  • She shaves her fou-fou regularly
  • She offers her bottom if she is in error without waiting for it to be required (this, of course depends whether she thinks she is in error or not and she is a bit of a barrack room lawyer)
There are things that seem more like ritual than protocol too. For example:
  • I don’t cut my own finger or toenails
  • I always brush and plait her at bed time
  • She removes my shoes when i get home.
  • We always eat from one plate, with one set of cutlery and feed each other not ourselves.

This post was previously made here on Fetbook, and referred to here, on Strangely Normal.

And here is a blog about quite a different sort of protocol, which might be useful in BDSM

Related articles

Definitions – BDSM Punishment

This is the latest of my proposed definitions of BDSM terms.

My aim is to create debate and, if possible (it may not be) to get consensus on what these terms mean to most people. Why? Because I think it helps us communicate effectively and it helps people new to the scene to understand what we mean.

So, what is BDSM Punishment?

Painting of S/M sexuality
Painting of S/M sexuality (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I think that we often do the same things in BDSM but with different motivations. Certainly there are times when I confine, restrain or hurt my partner just for our mutual enjoyment. But, there are also times when I do more or less the same things to her but because there has been an issue between us and, in our dynamic, the issue has to be resolved (at least partly) by punishment that reinforces our roles in the relationship.

If the crime is small, then it can be a swift and sometimes tongue-in-cheek response: If it’s an issue between us then it is the fitting culmination of the process of dispute resolution. But it always feels completely different from the things we do to make each other feel great – even if they are the same things…

So, here is my first stab at a definition:

BDSM Punishment is the use of any BDSM practice but not for the mutual pleasure of both parties. BDSM partners use BDSM punishment to reinforce their dynamic and their roles in the relationship.

Related articles

Definition – “Dynamic” in BDSM

Belasarius

Blog and definition revised- 19 March 2013

I have stopped taking votes on the first proposed definition (please see below) today and have put forward a revised definition for people’s views.

At that time votes were as follows:

  • I think this definition is accurate and appropriate – 76% (130 votes)
  • I think this definition needs further work – 24% – 39 votes
  • I think this definition is incorrect and/or inappropriate – 1% – I vote.

This is not a bad level of agreement, but I’d like to get something that is as widely agreed as possible. My suggestion, for voting and debate, is:

BDSM dynamic is a term for the roles consenting people adopt and the way they behave toward each other in the BDSM aspects of any relationship or scene.

Please vote on this using the poll below.

Original post and definitions,

BDSM dynamic is the way consenting people Interact within a BDSM relationship, scene or group

This definition has been prepared following discussion on this thread on the UK BDSM website, “Informed Consent“.

My original take on the word was this:

A Dynamic, in BDSM, is the term used to describe the limits to which a dominant and a submissive have given informed consent to the BDSM things that they do, either continuously or within any time limits they agree.

BDSM Artwork
BDSM Artwork (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It developed the way it did primarily because people disagreed that a dynamic could only be between a dominant and a submissive person and because many saw “dynamic” as synonymous with relationship. It hasn’t been for me, I see the dynamic as being shorthand for the BDSM and D/s things we do that are part of our relationship, but feelings were strong and I am happy to take them on board.

Related articles

Dominance in a BDSM relationship

acedc11cbeb3a2a0b4e3bca15378bec4“Dominance in BDSM is present when one individual, has the informed consent of another to be in control of that person within agreed limits and at agreed times as long as that informed consent persists”.•

This is the third of my BDSM definition blogs. I’m trying to produce these on the basis of inviting comment and criticism from the BDSM community, especially from the site I take part in most, the UK’s Informed Consent.

The debate on this definition (actually a slightly different version of it – I’ve re-edited it to be

English: Image of s/m
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

compatible with my definition of submission – is on this thread)

Please vote on the poll below to tell me what you think of this definition, and do comment here if you wish – I am really interested in people’s views, for or against!

*NB – I am assuming agreed limits and times could extent to “no limits” and “always”, as in a master/slave relationship.

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