Making our relationship work

BelasariusHard to write this one. It came in response to this thread on “Informed Consent and at the request of some of the posters

Here’s what I said:

“Okay, here goes. I am not going to go into the ins and outs of c_b’s marriage – that’s their affair. I will try to look at the concepts of ownership and possesion in these circumstances.

The first thing to say is that both he and I love her and that she loves us. The love isn’t apportioned. We both get all of it, just as a parent does with children.

If the love did not exist, then what has happened to the three of us would not be possible.

Ok, the O&P thing.

First it took time – roughly three years between our first meeting and her declaring herself to be a possession. Even when we dedicated ourselves on black pudding day we still agreed she was not possessed (no exorcist cracks please).

Next, our dynamic (which is distinct but inseparable from our love) has evolved slowly. She determines what is included in it (she gives informed consent) and I determine all that happens within the dynamic, she has no veto.

Our dynamic has always been based on the fact that once something has been agreed her submission, in that area, is total. I believe this is important to her feeling of posession.

Now, the fact is I have had a long term O&P relationship before and she has a deep need to submit (not just to have scene time with a Dom – she has tried that and it did not compute). Her husband could not do this for her and she was as driven and as unhappy as I was (My problem was I was without someone to take responsibility for).

Please understand that our life together has real depth. it is a sharing.

Getting to that has had its challenges but I have, to all intents and purposes, half her life and we live it as any couple would do, except that we do it entirely within our D/s dynamic.

And, we do our damndest to be different. I take responsibility, I decide and I adore: She serves and is the best she can be, for me.

Spending time apart means we don’t need time off. This helps the feeling of possesion too. In fact, it feels more intense than my previous fulltime O&P relationship (and I know about intensity).

So, I don’t own her, but when she is with me I possess her. And (you are getting no more details) there are some areas of her life I own, just as there are things that belong in her other life but impact on our life together.

Her life with her husband involves no submission and no aspects of ownership and possession.

Then, our relationship is highly ritualised. It is probably never less than medium protocol at any time. This makes it entirely different from life in her other home and because she is so obviously a possession when she is with me it has become true for us.286723

What has emerged is one wonderful woman with two lives, lived with energy and dedication.

And two happy men (mostly – there will always be challenges).

Best to all.”

Originally posted to “Informed Consent”, 15 June 2010.

Also see:

My Kinda Submission

BelasariusI’ve a particular view, which I bang on about regularly, about what submission means to me, and my girl.

 

I build up a head of steam on this so often that I thought I’d blog.

 

We love each other and we set this relationship in the framework of a D/s dynamic.

 

She shares her life with me and with her husband (a non-D/s setting).
Her submission is mine alone (and we are generally fairly medium-to-high protocol when we are together – made easier, we think, by the fact we spend half our lives apart).

 

We regard ourselves as equal in value but opposite in orientation and consider our roles to be to focus on the other person in the manner which that half of the D/s orientation demands.

 

cuffed I B&W
cuffed I B&W (Photo credit: sweethell)

 

So, I try to take responsibility for her and she aims to serve me.

 

We have hard limits, but within those I act at will and she does not ask for anything she might desire. I provide it, or not, at my discretion.

 

What we do when we play is my choice, not hers.

 

This feels real to us.

 

Recently, we’ve had the opportunity to play with someone and I proposed that, when the playmate is with us for play she should not ask for anything nor be expected to take any decisions about what might be done to her (within her limits). So far this has worked and this feels real too.

 

Originally from Informed Consent, 16 December 2011

 

 

 

The Marketplace – by Laura Antoniou

Belasarius

“To be thrilled at the touch of leather, aroused by the sound of harsh words, or satisfied by the security of rigid bondage is the mark of a lover.

“To be thrilled at the opportunity to provide useful service, aroused by a pleased nod, and satisfied by the proverbial job well done, is the mark of a slave.

“It may sound severe. Almost anti-erotic. Until you see two people, owner and owned, existing in a complementary relationship where each suits the other like balances on a delicate scale. Until you feel the energy of their rapport, you cannot understand how they fulfil each other, take and give in ways no negotiation could possibly express.”

From “The Marketplace” by Laura Antoniou

This means much to me. I don’t use the word slave of my partner, but I do understand there are those who use it and for whom it is real.

The Marketplace
The Marketplace (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

But, this expresses, very closely, for me, the difference between a primarily erotic BDSM relationship and one based on service and responsibility.

I respond to the balance of owner and owned.

I should also emphasise that my thinking does not encompass inequality in the way some do – I think of my partner and myself as equal but opposite.

Originally posted in “Informed Consent, 28 May 2012

 

 

Safewords – new, more detailed poll – Please take part

BelasariusBack in October I designed a poll on safewords and more than eighty people then on Informed Consent did a pilot version. I’ve taken their comments into account and have now published it on survey monkey, here.

The survey takes less than five minutes, is anonymous, and you get to see the results as soon as you finish the last question.

I am incredibly grateful to all who took part in the pilot and to all who take part now.

When I have a couple of hundred responses, I will publish the results on this blog and link to them from fetbook and fetlife.

The results of my earlier, one question poll on safewords are on this blog, here. I suggest you only look at that AFTER you’ve completed the survey above (If you want to of course).

And, if you want to take part in my continuing polls on BDSM definitions, you can do so here.

Once again, thanks to all who take part.

Waxing her fou-fou

BelasariusLast night I waxed her fou-fou. Not for the removal of hair – she’s quite well disciplined in matters depilatory – but for my pleasure. Mind you, when it comes to hair I think this experience has probably taught her to pay more attention to those that grow in the folds around her cunt.

“I’m going to wax your fanny” I said. “OK” quoth she, and shuffled off to pop on her wrist and ankle cuffs and her collar.

I spread a blue tarpaulin on the sofa and the floor (wax gets everywhere) and lit two candles. I use Spa’s cheapest – after many years I find them the best – not only the lowest melting temperature but also when it cools the wax is quite brittle – making it ideal to peel away, mould-like, if one wants a memento (and I did), but also by far the easiest to brush off carpets and furniture. It also clings like a limpet to hairs, as she was to find out.

Bent Candle
Bent Candle (Photo credit: Opspin)

Low temperature candles are good for accuracy too – you can hold them quite close to the victim without the screams becoming unendurable.

She positioned herself , thrusting outwards and stretching everything for me as I attached my longest spreader bar between her ankles and a second, slightly shorter, to her collar and then her wrists. At first I fastened it behind her neck but she whinged and I relented, re-fastening it in front. After all, it was not my purpose that she should not be comfy – just that she should not be capable of interfering.

She closed her eyes. I dribbled a little wax on the inside of her thigh. She seethed. I let the dribble move closer until a steady two or three drips per second (these Spa candles burn fast – another advantage in my book) was dripping onto the top of her business end and dribbling down a little further before it solidified, creamy white. At this point she was roaring and I was ignoring it.

For twenty minutes or so I dribbled the pool of first one candle, then it’s twin, onto my darling’s lotus until the whole thing was covered by a carapace of wax, around 5mm thick. We’d used more than half of both candles.

I took pains to make sure I did not just create another layer, but always covered some fresh flesh too: we didn’t want the bellowing to stop, did we?

But, I could see her becoming more uncomfortable (more from the bondage than the wax) than I desired, so I let her blow out the tormenting flames and released her legs and arms. And took a gentle finger to lady jane. She moaned – but quite differently to the angry hippo bellows drawn from her by streams of hot wax.

“Is that nice?” I asked. Fervent nods. Sighs through half-parted lips. “would you like to try?”. “Yesssss”.

She took three fingers and began to rub the wax back to a state of warm translucency. I gently bent away two of the fingers, reminding her that this was a spectator sport and not for her satisfaction, and let her carry on for just a little while.

Then we started to strip the wax. Most came away in a single chunk – a sort of plug (I think, someday, she may be taken out in this condition: It would amuse me greatly). And I got my memento – the wax cap clasping her clitty came away easily and now resides in my treasure box, along with two nipple moulds from an earlier session.

Some of the bits running along each side of her slit refused to budge though, caught on unshaved hairs. I volunteered to deal with them and just pulled hard (and fast – most unsubtle). The bellows were the evening’s best.

We cuddled, we talked. She obviously wanted to play with her clitty again. “Was it strange? I asked, “when it was covered with wax”.

“Uh-huh: It didn’t feel like it was me doing it, not quite – it felt like we’d been separated. It was good. Different – but good”.

“Would you like to do it again?”. Vehement nods. “Now?” “Mmm – err, yes” she said, quietly and unsure whether she’d be allowed the privilege. I re-lit a candle.

Originally posted on Informed Consent, May 09.

Perfection

BelasariusI posted this as a thread on Informed Consent  on 12 February 08. C_b was just a twinkle in the eye.

 

I thought it defined aspects of what I saw then as submissive perfection so closely that it was worth putting here: C_B has brought her own brand of perfection, but refleting much of what I thought i wanted too.

 

Perfection: a dangerous subject: first because it doesn’t exist and secondly, because writing about it might make some think that one won’t settle for anything other. Finally, because a post like this (seriously but lightheartedly meant) is likely to attract comments that range from the witty to the sarcastic. Still, my shoulders are broad.

 

Screenshot of Audrey Hepburn from the film Charade
Screenshot of Audrey Hepburn from the film Charade (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

I am risking the post, however, because I think a person’s vision of perfection at least gives other people an idea of how the author’s mind works – and that may be useful.

 

So, here’s my vision of subly perfection – I’ve thought about it and I suspect I’m about to expose myself as the stereotypical male Dom. Here goes:

 

She’s proud of herself and likes to make me proud of her too – she strives to excel in all aspects of her life and service.

 

She knows her limits but wants to be eased (sometimes cajoled) beyond them

 

She desires her limits and wants rules and rituals to reinforce them

 

She expects respect – and shows respect

 

She sees her submission as part of all of her life and not just a sub set of it

 

She gains my attention through her behaviour – but never asks for my attention

 

She revels in praise, but accepts that punishment is a vital part of dispute resolution

 

She wants me to want to show her off – and her dress, grooming, deportment and behaviour reflect this at all times

 

She expects to be protected and adored and is not afraid to expose her vulnerabilities (to me) to achieve this

 

Betty Page
Betty Page (Photo credit: Tanya Dawn)

 

She expects to support and nourish me – and thus I am unafraid to expose my vulnerabilities, when I feel them

 

She appreciates formality and can associate it with intimacy, not aloofness

 

She has strongly held views and expects to express them, in a respectful context.

 

The maturity to accept there will be differences and the attitude and desire to overcome them (an addition courtesy of BearofTwo)

 

She delights in delivering her curtsey.

 

If Betty Page and Audrey Hepburn had had a daughter together – she’d be her

 

Possessiveness and Protectiveness (and she’s MINE!)

BelasariusMy girl is my possession. But sometimes she can’t quite understand my possessiveness.

Why, she says, should I be possessive when I know, as night follows day, that she is mine? She has a point. But it won’t stop me.

Doms foolish enough to approach her on IC ( not many these days – in fact none for a while) get a dusty answer. Get stuck with a single D at a munch ( even the nicest of chaps) and she gets told to circulate.

It’s not, I tell myself, a lack of trust in her or a lack of maturity in me.

No, it’s that she’s mine, mine, mine and she’s worth having. And I like the world to know she’s mine. And, most of all, I like her to know she’s mine and guarded. Protected. I am her rutting stag.

I am protective too. Even when I hurt her, I take pains not to harm her and, after, I cherish her and again feel she is mine.

She has a protective/possessive streak as well.I am her man right or wrong. In public at least. On our own, I do get given advice. Quite often – and quite clearly – actually.

The protectiveness we feel extends beyond ourselves. It’s, maybe, a weakness. We both move to protect friends, even when they don’t need protecting. It’s not such a great weakness I guess, as long as we are aware of it: Possessiveness, outside our own relationship, would be.

I’ve been around long enough in the D/s community to see that what goes around, comes around more often than it did in the life experienced outside BDSM.

We are a small, sexually focused, community. Relationships can mean more than couples. Many people play together who have little else in common besides BDSM. People play together who are good friends and who see this as nothing more than friendship.

Possessiveness, in these circumstances, is a poison that could quickly make it difficult to remain friends with anyone you liked. Taking sides in relationship break- ups would do it too. But unwise possessiveness means it is impossible to maintain an equable chumminess with someone who was your playmate and has moved on or found others to play with.

So. I won’t ever deny my protectiveness. But I’ll do all I can to curb my possessiveness. Except in the case of c_b, of course. She’s mine, mine, mine.

BDSM Punishment; BDSM Play – and Play Punishment

standing stoneThere are times when I give the girl a good whacking for my entertainment and she takes satisfaction in that: We call that play. Wikipedia defines it thus:

Play is a term employed in psychology and ethology to describe a range of voluntaryintrinsically motivated activities normally associated with recreational pleasure and enjoyment. Play is most commonly associated with children and their juvenile-level activities, but play can also be a useful adult activity, and occurs among other higher-functioning animals as well.

There are times when she is a bit naughty. I spank her. That is punishment of a sort. Wikipedia says this of punishment:

Punishment is the authoritative imposition of something negative or unpleasant on a person, animal, organization or entity in response tobehavior deemed unacceptable by an individual, group or other entity

Punishment Chair
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There are rarer times when something hurtful has passed between us and something that hurts helps mend things. That is punishment too. Rather more intense, serious and upsetting to both.

For us, play is joyful: punishment is anything but.

All this is consensual, she lets me do this to her. But that doesn’t make it something she volunteers for. Our dynamic, and the limit it is controlled by, means she has given informed consent to me playing with her, within our limits, when I want and punishing her, within our limits, when i find it necessary. Both things feel real to us and, I believe, to many others, whether they are in long-term relationships or not.

BDSM Punishment

I find it very difficult to think of anything as punishment if it leaves the punished person with a sense of joyful satisfaction. That’s play – and there is nothing wrong with that. But punishment’s satisfaction is in forgiveness and atonement, and not in the physical or mental stimulation of the thing for its own sake.

When I spank her for something trivial it’s quite often quite gleeful for me. Not for her though (and this is the weird-but-important-to-us bit): She reacts quite differently to spankings of similar intensity depending whether it is punishment or play. The head space is different: she is genuinely remorseful and requires comforting, in the case of a punishment. She is quite smiley and proud of taking what I dish out if I whack her just because I want to.

English: The old stocks at Chapeltown.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Of course, you run the risk of inadvertently making her smile by imposing a penalty she rather likes. But, you can usually find something they won’t love (or that they love to hate) and use that when punishment must be given. YKIOK (Your kink is okay), but my kink, if it is one, would be to make sure that, if real punishment is required (something rare – I’ve not done it this year, I don’t think), that it was something that provided no comfort or satisfaction other than that experienced in atonement and forgiveness.

I think you can draw the distinction between BDSM play and BDSM punishment in pretty much every BDSM transaction from a long-term loving D/s or M/s relationship to a one-off interaction at a club (and everything in between): If it’s enjoyable to both parties, it’s play. If it’s being done to in response to something the Dom regards as wrong and it’s unpleasant to the submissive and, maybe, to the others involved, then it’s punishment, whatever it is.

The Dom’s dilemma

For us, punishment is sometimes part of a process of reconciliation and it does feel uncomfortable,

Punishment
(Photo credit: Toban Black)

sometimes hateful, to me. What if I’m being genuinely unjust? I’ll hurt our relationship, maybe long-term. What if part of the fault was mine (it usually takes two to tango), then it only seems right if the punishment becomes, genuinely, something we both feel bad about. For me to enjoy it in those circumstances could be construed as me pleasing myself, and not as me taking responsibility for our relationship.

So, Play, no matter how severe, is still lovely and light and enjoyable by all. Punishment, no matter how light is something severe and serious which causes unhappiness for the dominant (and maybe his/her partner) because it is necessary, and for the submissive (or maybe both partners) in its infliction.

Making a clear distinction between the two makes it easier to explain both terms and the satisfaction experienced by BDSM people in both. My experience has been, from time to time, that trying to explain the concept of punishment as it works in my relationship ( and in others) has been undermined by the impression some have that BDSM play is the same as BDSM punishment ( as I’ve said above, we do both) and that punishment is always “just a bit of fun”.

This has led to people expressing the view to me that D/s relationships are trivial, unreal fantasies.

This is upsetting: Whilst I feel I am unlikely ever  to live my BDSM D/s  life discreetly but openly, I’d like that to be true for people sometime in the future.

I think it would be useful if BDSM punishment is seen as distinct from BDSM play, Almost everyone in BDSM plays. Some punish or are punished. Being aware that there is a difference gives depth to people’s views of BDSM relationships. I think that’s a good thing.

You can read the definition of BDSM punishment I’ve developed, with the help of of others, and vote and comment on it here.

Consensual Slavery.

 

BelasariusI don’t characterise my BDSM dynamic with curvy_bottom as an M/s one. She’s a submissive, not a BDSM slave. Having said that, I’ve often in the past, thought of consensual BDSM slavery as a state to which I, as the person on top, aspire.

 

These day’s I’m really not sure whether a BDSM slave (Master/slave or M/s) dynamic is heaven or hell for either party.

 

Consensual non-consent

 

I like the concept of consensual non-consentand wonder whether this is all that is required for someone to characterise themselves as a BDSM slave? But, as most of the people I’ve spoken to

 

Ball gag

 

who characterise themselves as in M/s relationships talk of ownership, possession and control, I’m unsure that, by itself, CN-C is sufficient.

 

There is another thing. I think I’ve seen slave type dynamics in non-BDSM relationships. I mean non-abusive ones (though I think differentiating BDSM ownership/slavery from abuse is absolutely key to gaining acceptance of this as a positive form of human relationship that can be fulfilling for both parties.

 

Slave-style relationships in the non-BDSM world

 

The non-BDSM relationships I’ve seen which seem to resemble BDSM slavery are ones where one party is very much “taken care of” by the other, who assumes responsibility for much of their life together and both parties seem very content for that to happen. It seems to me that some BDSM slave relationships are like this, but with the addition of BDSM sexual and fetish elements and without any form of disguise masking the authority aspects of the dynamic.

 

BDSM ?
(Photo credit: nikiold)

 

Sometimes I got the feeling that a non-BDSM “slave” relationship had a less positive connotation too: The partner who was content to be dependent seemed to be more in love with the one on top, and both seemed aware of it. It was almost as if the “bottom” partner knew that, though it was unlikely, the top partner could, in extremis, walk away. That could easily be a bad, maybe abusive, thing, But I didn’t detect that – more that the senior partner was aware and had made themselves responsible for ensuring their partner had faith in them.

 

I haven’t seen this, I don’t think, in BDSM relationships (other than my own, even though I’m top, I do, from time to time, sense the responsibility thing from curvy_bottom, because we are in a shared relationship: she could have walked away – Iam not as good at having faith as i should be): Maybe that’s because, in a BDSM thing, a huge part of the attraction for the bottom often is that things can be done to him/her, for the satisfaction of another, that he/she doesn’t want?

 

This is a bit of a ramble. What do YOU think?

 

 

 

Northern lady’s BDSM Translator

Reposted by kind permission of northernlady22 from the UK’s Informed Consent website

Recently we have seen quite a few threads discussing definitions and meanings, I have decided to take things a little further and provide my own guide to profiles and comments you might find within!

The D/s (full of shit) Translator:

  1. English: A woman flogging a submissive man on ...
    (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

    “My role is to help you identify then stretch your limits” [Translation: limits!!….let’s just do what I like.]

  2.  “My pet, you seem to be struggling with your submission – that is a natural feeling.” [Translation: Any more smart arse back chat from you and your gone.]
  3. “You seem troubled my pet. We should talk.” [Translation: Your sulking is giving me the shits.]
  4. “You are so wonderfully responsive” [Translation: You wail like a banshee and move around so much I want to hit every major organ….including your brain.]
  5.  “It is only in being owned that you will ever be completely free.” [Translation: I need some idiot to give up his/her own life to wait on me hand and foot without payment.]
  6. “I have 20 years experience” [Translation: 20 years ago I tied someone to the bed and last week I tried it again.]
  7.  “For me, the ritual of aftercare is the most important part of our scene” [Translation: Because that is when you stagger off to get me a drink.]

    Erotic illustration
    (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
  8.  “A true Dom has humility and never stops learning.” [Translation: Yeah, so I fucked up again: don’t give me that accusing look,]
  9.  “I never, ever strike in anger.” [Translation: It just feels that way when you give me shit.]
  10.  “It is time we explored polyamory together.” [Translation: It is time I shagged other people. You can help me pick them up and be my excuse to get rid of them afterwards]
  11.  “I cannot meet you at a BDSM club because I am a very private
  12. person.” [Translation: I cannot meet you at a BDSM club because I am a very married person.]
  13.  “I trained as a Domina in Europe in my early 20s.” [Translation: I had a kinky shag when backpacking around Europe after Uni.]
  14.  “Don’t think of it as pain. Think of it as intense sensation.” [Translation: This is going to hurt like hell, but I am almost certain that you’ll be too proud to safeword and stop the party.]
  15.  “You can only be a truly successful Dominant if you have submitted.” [Translation: I want you to sub to me, and that sounds like a legit reason, so you might actually consider it.]
  16.  “You must master your own life before you can master another’s.” [Translation: You need to have a 20-thousand square foot house and be earning at least 250k a year or the deal’s are all off. As a sub, I need to be accommodated in the style I would like to become accustomed to.]
  17. English: Woman standing on submissive male.
    (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

    “I have no limits.” [Translation: Until you go beyond what is legal so I can have you charged, convicted and sue you to live the rest of my life off the proceeds]

  18.  “That’s not a Dom–that’s a control freak.” [Translation: Get rid of that person. I wanna be your Dom.]
  19.  “All Dommes need is to find the right man.” [Translation: Cuz I’m IT!]
  20.  “You aren’t sub enough.” [Translation: I can’t handle a person with a mind of their own without resorting to cheap manipulation.]
  21.  “You’re not submissive enough.” [Translation: Because you won’t quit your management job, move across the country today and give me oral sex on the off-hand promise I might actually start a relationship with you.]
  22.  “You’re not Dominant Enough” [Translation: You’re no fun. You won’t maim me permanently and it’s always been my biggest fantasy.]
  23. . “I’m service-oriented.” [Translation: I hope the dumb shit falls for this so i can clean their place and snoop through things.]
  24.  “I’m under consideration.” [Translation: I’m chasing someone.]
  25. “I’ve been released.” [Translation: I’ve been dumped.]
  26.  “I am a true dom/sub.” [Translation: You’re a phony if you aren’t just like me.]
  27.  “I am a bratty sub.” [Translation: I am a pain in the arse.]
  28.  “I will bend you to my will.” [Translation: I am insane.]
  29.  “I am a submissive with slave tendencies.” [Translation: Pick me because I’m pretending to be subbier (or better) than a regular submissive.]
  30.  “I am seeking my One.” [Translation: Someone out there must have dysfunctions which are compatible with mine.]
  31.  “I’m trained.” [Translation: I will drive you nuts doing exactly what my last master wanted.]
  32.  “I am a 24/7 slave, online only.” [Translation: I am a bored housewife or married man.]
  33.  “I’m strict but fair.” [Translation: I’m always right, you’re always wrong, and I’ll beat you whenever you’re right and I don’t want to admit it.]
  34.  “I am a trainer of sluts.” [Translation: I’m looking for girls who will believe they are being “trained” when I order them to give me a blow job.]

    English: A submissive man worshipping a woman'...
    (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
  35. “Looking for a sub/slave/girl to join us.” [Translation (when posted by a sub/slave/girl): I am much too lazy to clean the house and I need a work horse. Translation (when posted by the dominant): I need a backup fuck for when she’s mad at me. Bonus points if you’ll take my side in the argument.”