Tag: Dominance and submission

What is dominance and submission to me?

 

aveburysarsenTNOK – usual health warning. This is a personal point of view and I’m not disrespecting what works for others. This is what these things mean to me.

Our dominant and submissive relationship is based on being the best we can be for each other. We’ve previously defined it as being equal and opposite. It is – but it is also complementary and it is always our aim to minimise compromise.images

Our dynamic is founded on strength and responsibility, service and obedience – and there are dominant and submissive aspects to each of these.

Strength

This seems to be a given for the dominant (but I know there are times when I am not strong). It’s sometimes assumed that obedient, non-resistant (the reverse of bratty?) submission is doormat-like and not worthy of respect – because submission is based on resistance that must be overcome by the dominants strength.

That’s not my view.

It’s easy/lazy for both partners in a service/obedience based D/s dynamic  just to pay lip service to what is required. But delighting your partner always takes effort and subsumes self. And that’s a job for both.

She never stops delighting me. I hope I do the same for her. But it’s especially difficult for the submissive to be true to her part of the dynamic when it doesn’t suit. Often simple submission takes strength.

Responsibility

For me (and my partner) this goes a lot wider than just us (and just BDSM). We both reckon that if more people took their responsibilities seriously there would be less need for rights.

For me as a dominant it means I need to use what she has consented to for my satisfaction, but as safely as I can and not abusively. It means I make it possible for her to give me what I want by taking away concerns and worries that stop her doing so.

This includes domestic trivia. I’ll cook if she needs time to do her nails.

Service

Service for us is partly ritualistic. There are small but important things we do (I plait her at bedtime, she makes her obeisance when she leaves the room) which keep us in our places. But they aren’t the essence of who we are – just a way we remind ourselves and each other of who we are.

Service is asymmetric. Mostly she gives and I receive. But it is freely given and something she wishes to give. It’s not a chore to her – it makes me glow and that makes her feel powerful.

She is also the power behind my throne . When I weaken she holds me up. That too is service.

Obedience

BDSM couple, top, bottom in handcuffs, on Euro...
BDSM couple, top, bottom in handcuffs, on Europride Cologne (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Obedience is something I earn. It is the reward I get for making her feel secure, desired. cared for and respected. If it needs to be enforced then we both have failed.

Obedience will not always be easy. Like service, it is part of who she wants to be, even when it doesn’t suit her: It is only real when it isn’t optional. And that means I have to enforce it – even when I’m in the mood to be laissez faire – or not in the mood for much: She isn’t who she wants to be unless she feels controlled and respected for her obedience.

Related articles

BDSM and Education Survey – Kinksters vs the rest

aveburysarsenTNThis is the first article on this blog that I’ve written on the BDSM and education survey I did in June 2012 and wrote about on the old UK BDSM website “Informed Consent“. The background to this survey is here and the dataset is here.

It was a short survey, just asking about people’s BDSM orientation and their final level of education. 504 people answered it – but they were all recruited from a couple of BDSM websites and no attempt was made to collect a sample that could be seen as representative. it is a self-selecting poll: People that were interested in it responded, others didn’t. However, with the proviso’s noted in the background article (linked above) the educational levels stated by respondents to this survey were broadly similar to those stated in other surveys I have done (I will do a proper piece on that at a later date).

The table below states what people taking the survey said was their last level of education:

Last level

People who followed the original debate on “Informed Consent” will know that various research studies were cited that purported to show that the BDSM population contained a higher proportion of more intelligent or more well-educated people than the population as a whole. The debate was hot and the studies mentioned were much criticised. This survey also can’t be said to have met any of the necessary conditions for accuracy. But it does show the same sort of result as those other studies:

I’ve tried to compare the survey results with last levels of educational attainment for the UK population as a whole, using the last census.

Lastlevelgraph

It isn’t do-able, accurately, because the census uses different classifications (as will be clear if you follow the link above). However, I’ve tried to combine categories so it has some meaning.

All you can say is that BDSM people who answered this survey said they had quite a different educational profile than the population as a whole.

Submissive Perfection

standing stoneI was reminded last night, in another place, of something I wrote on “Informed Consent”  back in 2008.

“Perfection: a dangerous subject: first because it doesn’t exist and secondly, because writing about it might make some think that one won’t settle for anything other. Finally, because a post like this (seriously but lightheartedly meant) is likely to attract comments that range from the witty to the sarcastic.

Still, my shoulders are broad.

I am risking the post, however, because I think a person’s vision of perfection at least gives other people an idea of how the author’s mind works – and that may be useful.

So, here’s my vision of subly perfection – I’ve thought about it and I suspect I’m about to expose myself as the stereotypical male Dom. Here goes:

  •  She’s proud of herself and likes to make me proud of her too – she strives to excel in all aspects of her life and service.
  •  She knows her limits but wants to be eased (sometimes cajoled) beyond them
  •  She desires her limits and wants rules and rituals to reinforce them
  •  She expects respect – and shows respect
  •  She sees her submission as part of all of her life and not just a sub set of it
  •  She gains my attention through her behaviour – but never asks for my attention
  •  She revels in praise, but accepts that punishment is a vital part of dispute resolution
  •  She wants me to want to show her off – and her dress, grooming, deportment and behaviour reflect this at all times
  •  She expects to be protected and adored and is not afraid to expose her vulnerabilities (to me) to achieve this
  •  She expects to support and nourish me – and thus I am unafraid to expose my vulnerabilities, when I feel them
  •  She appreciates formality and can associate it with intimacy, not aloofness
  •  She has strongly held views and expects to express them, in a respectful context.

(and, as suggested by Bearoftwo: “the maturity to accept there will be differences and the attitude and desire to overcome them”)

She delights in delivering her curtsey.

If Betty Page and Audrey Hepburn had had a daughter – she’d be her .”

The rest of that thread is here.

Related articles

Safeword Survey – does a safeword make play feel more artificial?

This article looks at how strongly 499  acedc11cbeb3a2a0b4e3bca15378bec4safeword survey participants agreed or disagreed with the statement “I feel a safeword makes my play more artificial”.

The first chart, shows the extent to which all respondents (split by gender) agreed or disagreed with the statement “I feel a safeword makes my play more artificial” (the method I have used for calculating the charts is under the subheading “Data used in this article” below).

SWArtificial1

Respondents of both genders were more likely to agree than disagree with this statement. Men were slightly less likely to agree than women, but both sexes agreed,  by a substantial margin, that safewords made play more artificial.

SWArtificial2

When the data was split by BDSM orientation (above) a clear difference did emerge. Switches were roughly three times more likely to disagree that safewords make play more artificial whilst both tops/dominants and bottoms/submissives supported the statement strongly. Tops/dominants were more than four times more likely to agree that safewords make play artificial. Bottoms/submissives also agreed – but not as strongly. They were only twice as likely to agree that safewords make play artificial than to disagree.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, people from the Master (mistress) & slave BDSM component overwhelmingly agreed (roughly 12 times more likely to agree with the statement than to disagree with the statement – below). People from the largest group in the survey (Dominants/submissives were split and Sadists/masochists were a little more likely to disagree that safewords make play feel artificial than not.

SWArtificial3

Data used in this article

The article uses data from a question where people were asked whether they felt that a safeword made their play more artificial. 499 people answered the question. People were able to pick from the following responses:

  • Agree
  • Agree strongly
  • Neither agree nor disagree
  • Disagree
  • Disagree strongly

To produce the charts used above I manipulated the data as follows:

  • Agree (scored 1)
  • Agree strongly (scored 2)
  • Neither agree nor disagree (eliminated from responses)
  • Disagree (scored -1)
  • Disagree strongly (scored -2)

I totalled the  scores and then divided that by the total of all responses (including “Neither agree nor disagree”, in order that a high neutral response would influence the outcome by reducing both negative and positive scores). I expressed that in percentages for convenience.

The data used is in the tables below:

What is your gender? (All) I feel a safeword makes our play more artificial
What is your BDSM orientation? How would you describe the most important component of your BDSM Dynamic? Agree Agree strongly Disagree Disagree strongly Neither agree nor disagree Grand Total
Bottom/Submissive Dominant/Submissive 36 44 48 38 23 189
Master/Slave 9 33 2 4 7 55
Sadist/Masochist 9 3 9 6 4 31
Bottom/Submissive Total 54 80 59 48 34 275
Switch Dominant/Submissive 2 2 13 17 13 47
Master/Slave 2 1 1 0 2 6
Sadist/Masochist 11 1 10 4 11 37
Switch Total 15 4 24 21 26 90
Top/Dominant Dominant/Submissive 12 23 18 20 10 83
Master/Slave 4 19 2 1 1 27
Sadist/Masochist 3 2 3 10 6 24
Top/Dominant Total 19 44 23 31 17 134
Grand Total 88 128 106 100 77 499
What is your gender? Male I feel a safeword makes our play more artificial
What is your BDSM orientation? How would you describe the most important component of your BDSM Dynamic? Agree Agree strongly Disagree Disagree strongly Neither agree nor disagree Grand Total
Bottom/Submissive Dominant/Submissive 14 7 7 3 10 41
Master/Slave 1 1 0 1 2 5
Sadist/Masochist 4 0 2 0 2 8
Bottom/Submissive Total 19 8 9 4 14 54
Switch Dominant/Submissive 1 2 9 9 8 29
Master/Slave 0 0 0 0 2 2
Sadist/Masochist 3 1 6 0 9 19
Switch Total 4 3 15 9 19 50
Top/Dominant Dominant/Submissive 10 17 11 15 6 59
Master/Slave 3 13 2 1 1 20
Sadist/Masochist 3 1 2 5 5 16
Top/Dominant Total 16 31 15 21 12 95
Grand Total 39 42 39 34 45 199
What is your gender? Female I feel a safeword makes our play more artificial
What is your BDSM orientation? How would you describe the most important component of your BDSM Dynamic? Agree Agree strongly Disagree Disagree strongly Neither agree nor disagree Grand Total
Bottom/Submissive Dominant/Submissive 22 37 39 34 13 145
Master/Slave
Sadist/Masochist 3 3 3 3 3 3
Bottom/Submissive Total 34 34 34 34 34 34
Switch Dominant/Submissive 2 2 2 2 2 2
Master/Slave 1 1 1 1 1 1
Sadist/Masochist 4 4 4 4 4 4
Switch Total 7 7 7 7 7 7
Top/Dominant Dominant/Submissive 4 4 4 4 4 4
Master/Slave
Sadist/Masochist 2 2 2 2 2 2
Top/Dominant Total 6 6 6 6 6 6
Grand Total 47 47 47 47 47 47
Related articles

BDSM safeword survey: Are safewords unhelpful for partners who know each other well?

This article looks at how strongly 499  acedc11cbeb3a2a0b4e3bca15378bec4safeword survey participants agreed or disagreed with the statement “safewords are unhelpful to partners who know each other well”

The first chart, shows the extent to which all respondents (split by gender) thought safewords unhelpful to partners who know each other well (the method I have used for calculating the charts is under the subheading “Data used in this article” below).


safewords unhelpful 1

Both men and women are much more likely to agree with this statement than to disagree and there really is no great difference of opinion between the sexes.

safewords unhel[ful 2

When the data was split by BDSM orientation (above) a clear difference did emerge. Whilst tops/dominants and bottoms/submissives strongly agree with the statement (T/ds were around twice as likely to disagree than to agree – b/s people nearly three times so) switches disagree.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, people from the Master (mistress) & slave BDSM component overwhelmingly agreed with the statement (below). People from the largest group in the survey (Dominants/submissives were split and Sadists/masochists were more likely to agree that safewords are unhelpful than not.

Safewords unhelpful 3

Data used in this article

The article uses data from a question where people were asked whether they consideredsafewords to be unhelpful to partners who knew each other well. 499 people answered the question. People were able to pick from the following responses:

  • Agree
  • Agree strongly
  • Neither agree nor disagree
  • Disagree
  • Disagree strongly

To produce the charts used above I manipulated the data as follows:

  • Agree (scored 1)
  • Agree strongly (scored 2)
  • Neither agree nor disagree (eliminated from responses)
  • Disagree (scored -1)
  • Disagree strongly (scored -2)

I totalled the  scores and then divided that by the total of all responses (including “Neither agree nor disagree”, in order that a high neutral response would influence the outcome by reducing both negative and positive scores). I expressed that in percentages for convenience.

The data used is in the tables below:

All
Safewords are unhelpful to partners who know each other well
Agree Agree strongly Disagree Disagree strongly Neither agree nor disagree All
Bottom/Submissive Dominant/Submissive 24 53 40 31 42 190
Master/Slave 6 36 4 2 6 54
Sadist/Masochist 6 8 11 3 3 31
Bottom/Submissive Total 36 97 55 36 51 275
Switch Dominant/Submissive 7 15 11 14 47
Master/Slave 1 3 2 6
Sadist/Masochist 8 11 9 3 6 37
Switch Total 15 12 27 14 22 90
Top/Dominant Dominant/Submissive 9 24 26 12 12 83
Master/Slave 2 21 1 2 1 27
Sadist/Masochist 3 4 5 7 5 24
Top/Dominant Total 14 49 32 21 18 134
Total 65 158 114 71 91 499
Males
Safewords are unhelpful to partners who know each other well
Agree Agree strongly Disagree Disagree strongly Neither agree nor disagree All
Bottom/Submissive Dominant/Submissive 6 13 5 3 14 41
Master/Slave 1 1 1 2 5
Sadist/Masochist 2 4 1 1 8
Bottom/Submissive Total 9 18 7 3 17 54
Switch Dominant/Submissive 5 6 7 11 29
Master/Slave 1 1 2
Sadist/Masochist 4 8 5 2 19
Switch Total 9 8 12 7 14 50
Top/Dominant Dominant/Submissive 6 17 19 9 8 59
Master/Slave 2 14 1 2 1 20
Sadist/Masochist 2 3 3 4 4 16
Top/Dominant Total 10 34 23 15 13 95
Total 28 60 42 25 44 199
Females
Safewords are unhelpful to partners who know each other well Safewords are unhelpful to partners who know each other well
Agree Agree strongly Disagree Disagree strongly Neither agree nor disagree All
Bottom/Submissive Dominant/Submissive 18 40 35 27 26 146
Master/Slave 5 35 3 2 4 49
Sadist/Masochist 4 4 10 3 2 23
Bottom/Submissive Total 27 79 48 32 32 218
Switch Dominant/Submissive 2 8 4 3 17
Master/Slave 1 2 3
Sadist/Masochist 4 3 4 3 4 18
Switch Total 6 4 14 7 7 38
Top/Dominant Dominant/Submissive 2 7 7 2 4 22
Master/Slave 6 6
Sadist/Masochist 1 1 2 3 1 8
Top/Dominant Total 3 14 9 5 5 36
Total 36 97 71 44 44 292
Related articles

 

Safewords Survey – Are safewords essential in BDSM punishment

BelasariusThis article looks at how strongly 499  safeword survey participants felt about using safewords in BDSM punishment.

Readers may find it interesting to contrast these results with earlier, articles where I asked people  whether safewords were essential in all BDSM transactions and whether safewords were essential in BDSM play.

In the article on safewords in all BDSM transactions, only switches were more likely than not to agree with the statement “Safewords are essential in all BDSM transactions”. However, the  BDSM play article shows general, agreement that safewords are essential – with some groups being more emphatic in their agreement than others. Only masters (mistresses) and slaves were more likely to think that safewords are NOT essential in play. This article shows a more mixed picture than either of the above. I wonder if that may be because BDSM people have not yet come to a common understanding of what they consider punishment to be (for reference, my thoughts on this are here and my proposed definition (for voting and debate) is here).

The first chart, below, shows how inclined, or not, all respondents (split by gender) were to consider safewords essential in BDSM punishment (the method I have used for calculating the charts is under the subheading “Data used in this article” below).

Punishment1

The people who took part seem pretty split on this one. Women were slightly more likely to disagree with the proposition than men, but not by very much at all.

However, when it comes to BDSM orientations there are some significant differences in perception (below).

Punishment2

There is a very clear difference of opinion between bottoms/submissives and everyone else. Submissives were three times more likely to disagree that safewords are essential in BDSM punishment than   either tops/dominants or switches. And they were the only group who were less likely to think that safewords were essential in punishment than to agree that they were essential. Switches were the most likely to think that safewords in punishment were essential. But, there is a clear difference of opinion between dominants and submissives here.

Punishmnt3

The chart above shows that there are also clear differences in the views of respondents from different BDSM components. Sadists/masochists are split on whether safewords are essential in punishment. Dominant’s submissives are more likely than not  to say that they are essential (though the extent to which they disagree is almost identical to S/m respondents) and masters (mistresses) and slaves are nearly five times more likely to disagree with the proposition than to agree.

Data used in this article

The article uses data from a question where people were asked whether they considered safewords to be essential in BDSM play. 500 people answered the question. People were able to pick from the following responses:

  • Agree
  • Agree strongly
  • Neither agree nor disagree
  • Disagree
  • Disagree strongly

To produce the charts used above I manipulated the data as follows:

  • Agree (scored 1)
  • Agree strongly (scored 2)
  • Neither agree nor disagree (eliminated from responses)
  • Disagree (scored -1)
  • Disagree strongly (scored -2)

I totalled the  scores and then divided that by the total of all responses (including “Neither agree nor disagree”, in order that a high neutral response would influence the outcome by reducing both negative and positive scores). I expressed that in percentages for convenience.

The data used is in the tables below:

What is your gender? (All) Safewords are essential in BDSM punishment
What is your BDSM orientation? How would you describe the most important component of your BDSM Dynamic? Agree Agree strongly Disagree Disagree strongly Neither agree nor disagree Grand Total
Bottom/Submissive Dominant/Submissive 37 34 26 66 27 190
Master/Slave 2 7 38 7 54
Sadist/Masochist 4 5 6 12 4 31
Bottom/Submissive Total 41 41 39 116 38 275
Switch Dominant/Submissive 10 19 6 2 10 47
Master/Slave 1 1 1 3 6
Sadist/Masochist 7 3 4 16 7 37
Switch Total 18 23 10 19 20 90
Top/Dominant Dominant/Submissive 14 22 10 27 10 83
Master/Slave 1 2 24 27
Sadist/Masochist 3 8 4 7 2 24
Top/Dominant Total 17 31 16 58 12 134
Grand Total 76 95 65 193 70 499
What is your gender? Male Safewords are essential in BDSM punishment
What is your BDSM orientation? How would you describe the most important component of your BDSM Dynamic? Agree Agree strongly Disagree Disagree strongly Neither agree nor disagree Grand Total
Bottom/Submissive Dominant/Submissive 5 7 5 18 6 41
Master/Slave 1 1 1 2 5
Sadist/Masochist 1 1 5 1 8
Bottom/Submissive Total 6 8 7 24 9 54
Switch Dominant/Submissive 8 9 4 8 29
Master/Slave 1 1 2
Sadist/Masochist 3 1 3 10 2 19
Switch Total 11 11 7 10 11 50
Top/Dominant Dominant/Submissive 9 16 7 20 7 59
Master/Slave 1 2 17 20
Sadist/Masochist 1 6 3 4 2 16
Top/Dominant Total 10 23 12 41 9 95
Grand Total 27 42 26 75 29 199
What is your gender? Female Safewords are essential in BDSM punishment
What is your BDSM orientation? How would you describe the most important component of your BDSM Dynamic? Agree Agree strongly Disagree Disagree strongly Neither agree nor disagree Grand Total
Bottom/Submissive Dominant/Submissive 31 27 21 47 20 146
Master/Slave 1 6 37 5 49
Sadist/Masochist 3 5 5 7 3 23
Bottom/Submissive Total 34 33 32 91 28 218
Switch Dominant/Submissive 2 9 2 2 2 17
Master/Slave 1 1 1 3
Sadist/Masochist 4 2 1 6 5 18
Switch Total 7 11 3 9 8 38
Top/Dominant Dominant/Submissive 4 5 3 7 3 22
Master/Slave 6 6
Sadist/Masochist 2 2 1 3 8
Top/Dominant Total 6 7 4 16 3 36
Grand Total 47 51 39 116 39 292
Related articles

Safeword Survey – Are safewords essential in BDSM play.

BelasariusThis article looks at how strongly 500 safeword survey participants felt about using safewords in BDSM play.

The results of this question contrast strongly with an earlier, similar one where I asked people  whether safewords were essential in all BDSM transactions.

In that article, only switches were more likely to agree with the statement “Safewords are essential in all BDSM transactions” than not. However, when it comes to BDSM play there is, generally, agreement that safewords are essential – with some groups being more emphatic in their agreement than others. Only masters (mistresses) and slaves are more likely to think that safewords are NOT essential in play (see third chart below).

The first chart, below, shows how inclined, or not, all respondents (split by gender) were to consider safewords essential in play (the method I have used for calculating the charts is below).

1. Are safewords essential in BDSM play?

Men and women are both much more likely to say safewords are essential in play, Women agreed slightly more with the statement – but not by much.

The next chart looks at whether people in different BDSM orientations (tops/dominants, switches and bottom’s/submissives) agree that safewords are essential in BDSM play

2. Are seafewords essential in BDSM play

All groups are much more likely to agree with the statement than not – it’s just a question of how emphatically they agree. Switches scored more than four times as highly in agreement with the statement that safewords were essential in play than  disagreed. Tops/dominants were also in very strong agreement (the score for agree was more than three times as high as the score for disagree). Bottoms/submissives were also more likely to agree than disagree – but by a much closer margin.

When it comes to BDSM components, Masters/slaves were the only group to disagree that safewords were essential in play – and by a noticeable margin. There were 88 M/s responses to the question.

3. Are safewords essential in BDSM play

D/s and S/m people showed a close degree of agreement with the statement that safewords are essential in play. However, S/m people were far less likely to disagree with the statement.

Data used in this article

The article uses data from a question where people were asked whether they considered safewords to be essential in BDSM play. 500 people answered the question. People were able to pick from the following responses:

  • Agree
  • Agree strongly
  • Neither agree nor disagree
  • Disagree
  • Disagree strongly

To produce the charts used above I manipulated the data as follows:

  • Agree (scored 1)
  • Agree strongly (scored 2)
  • Neither agree nor disagree (eliminated from responses)
  • Disagree (scored -1)
  • Disagree strongly (scored -2)

I totalled the  scores and then divided that by the total of all responses (including “Neither agree nor disagree”, in order that a high neutral response would influence the outcome by reducing both negative and positive scores). I expressed that in percentages for convenience.

The data used is in the tables below

What is your gender? (All)
Count of RespondentID Safewords are essential in BDSM play
What is your BDSM orientation? How would you describe the most important component of your BDSM Dynamic? Agree Agree strongly Disagree Disagree strongly Neither agree nor disagree Grand Total
Bottom/Submissive Dominant/Submissive 42 38 38 40 32 190
Master/Slave 5 4 9 27 10 55
Sadist/Masochist 16 3 7 1 4 31
Bottom/Submissive Total 63 45 54 68 46 276
Switch Dominant/Submissive 11 14 7 15 47
Master/Slave 1 2 1 2 6
Sadist/Masochist 15 7 5 1 9 37
Switch Total 27 23 13 1 26 90
Top/Dominant Dominant/Submissive 12 24 16 18 13 83
Master/Slave 1 1 4 16 5 27
Sadist/Masochist 9 7 1 2 5 24
Top/Dominant Total 22 32 21 36 23 134
Grand Total 112 100 88 105 95 500
What is your gender? Male
Count of RespondentID Safewords are essential in BDSM play
What is your BDSM orientation? How would you describe the most important component of your BDSM Dynamic? Agree Agree strongly Disagree Disagree strongly Neither agree nor disagree Grand Total
Bottom/Submissive Dominant/Submissive 11 5 8 11 6 41
Master/Slave 2 2 1 5
Sadist/Masochist 5 1 2 8
Bottom/Submissive Total 18 5 9 13 9 54
Switch Dominant/Submissive 7 7 3 12 29
Master/Slave 1 1 2
Sadist/Masochist 11 4 1 3 19
Switch Total 18 8 7 1 16 50
Top/Dominant Dominant/Submissive 10 15 11 16 7 59
Master/Slave 1 4 13 2 20
Sadist/Masochist 6 5 1 1 3 16
Top/Dominant Total 16 21 16 30 12 95
Grand Total 52 34 32 44 37 199
What is your gender? Female
Count of RespondentID Safewords are essential in BDSM play
What is your BDSM orientation? How would you describe the most important component of your BDSM Dynamic? Agree Agree strongly Disagree Disagree strongly Neither agree nor disagree Grand Total
Bottom/Submissive Dominant/Submissive 30 33 30 28 25 146
Master/Slave 3 4 9 25 9 50
Sadist/Masochist 11 3 6 1 2 23
Bottom/Submissive Total 44 40 45 54 36 219
Switch Dominant/Submissive 4 7 3 3 17
Master/Slave 1 1 1 3
Sadist/Masochist 4 7 1 6 18
Switch Total 9 15 5 9 38
Top/Dominant Dominant/Submissive 2 7 5 2 6 22
Master/Slave 1 2 3 6
Sadist/Masochist 3 2 1 2 8
Top/Dominant Total 6 9 5 5 11 36
Grand Total 59 64 55 59 56 293
Related articles

How many people do you play with?

BelasariusThis article looks at data from 519 respondents to the safeword survey. It analyses the number of play partners that people of different BDSM orientations and BDSM components  said that they have had in the last year.

The survey respondents indicated that, in most cases, respondents had more than two play partners in a year (the average is between two and three).

Play partners are people with whom the respondents had BDSM interactions, in private or at parties or clubs, but with whom they do not have an enduring relationship outside BDSM play.

Numbers of play partners

No’s of play partners in last 12 months – All 0 or 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 >10
Female 36% 21% 15% 7% 5% 5% 1% 1% 1% 8%
Bottom/Submissive 40% 23% 14% 7% 4% 4% 2% 1% 0% 4%
Switch 31% 13% 15% 3% 10% 10% 0% 5% 3% 10%
Top/Dominant 15% 15% 26% 8% 8% 3% 0% 0% 3% 23%
Male 31% 19% 19% 9% 5% 7% 4% 2% 0% 5%
Bottom/Submissive 40% 14% 21% 10% 5% 3% 2% 2% 0% 3%
Switch 28% 19% 17% 9% 9% 6% 9% 4% 0% 0%
Top/Dominant 28% 22% 19% 8% 3% 9% 3% 1% 0% 8%
Total 34% 20% 17% 8% 5% 6% 3% 2% 1% 6%

 

The table above show’s the percentage of respondents by gender and BDSM orientation that said they have had multiple play partners in the last year, tabulated by the number of partners stated. Men, with the exception of tops/dominants seem slightly less likely to play with multiple partners than do women. Women, especially tops/dominants appear more likely to have more than ten play partners in a year – but this is affected by small sample size. I also understand from private responses to the survey that some responses in this category came from pro-dommes who counted their clients as play partners.

Percentage with two or more play partners

Across the entire sample around two thirds of respondents said they had two or more play partners in a year. In general, tops/dominants are more likely to have multiple play partners than bottoms/submissives and Sadists/masochists were more likely to have multiple play partners than either M/s or D/s respondents. Women, especially those into S/m play, seem slightly more likely to have multiple play partners.

Playpartner perccentages

The 100% result for male switches who characterise their BDSM component as master (mistress) and slave is based on six responses.

I looked at the average number of people each group said they had played with in the last 12 months. In the next chart, below, people who said they played with 10 or more people are excluded, because this massively elevates the means, even though people with 10 or more partners only represent six per cent of all respondents to the question. For completeness, a chart showing the averages for the entire sample is included immediately above the sub-heading “data used in this article.

Average play partners >10

It’s clear that, other than amongst those who characterise themselves as tops/dominants, that Sadists/masochists have more play partners than other BDSM components and that S/m switches,especially men, say they play with more people than any other group.

Average play partners inc >10

Inclusion of the six per cent of respondents who said they had more than ten play partners significantly changes the picture! Not sure how helpful it is though!

Data used in this article

This article uses data from a question in the BDSM safeword survey where people were asked how many play partners they had had in the last 12 months. The answer allowed people to input any number. A small number of very high responses (people who had had 557,774,456, 100,000 and 9,800 play partners in the last 12 months) were eliminated.

I think I need to phrase this question more helpfully in the future: It was apparent that many respondents who said they only played with their relationship partner indicated that they had one play partner. I had intended that people should record numbers of partners additional to relationship partners. I have therefore combined the scores for people who recorded either zero or one play partner.

519 people answered the question. 33 stated they had had more than 10 partners in the last year, broken down as follows:

  • 10-20 partners – 18 respondents
  • 20-50 partners – 15 respondents
  • More than 50 partners – 3 respondents

The data used for this article is in the table below:

No’s of play partners in last 12 months – All 0 or 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 >10 All
Female 109 64 47 20 16 15 4 4 3 23 305
Bottom/Submissive 91 53 31 16 9 10 4 2 1 10 227
Switch 12 5 6 1 4 4 2 1 4 39
Top/Dominant 6 6 10 3 3 1 1 9 39
Male 67 40 40 19 11 14 9 4   10 214
Bottom/Submissive 23 8 12 6 3 2 1 1 2 58
Switch 15 10 9 5 5 3 5 2 54
Top/Dominant 29 22 19 8 3 9 3 1 8 102
Total 176 104 87 39 27 29 13 8 3 33 519
 
No’s of play partners in last 12 months – S/m 0 or 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 >10 All
Female 12 8 8 4 5 3 1   2 6 49
Bottom/Submissive 6 6 3 3 1 1 1 2 23
Switch 4 2 2 4 3 1 2 18
Top/Dominant 2 3 1 2 8
Male 13 4 8 8 4 3 4 1   4 49
Bottom/Submissive 4 4 1 1 10
Switch 4 1 5 2 2 1 3 1 19
Top/Dominant 5 3 3 2 2 1 1 3 20
Total 25 12 16 12 9 6 5 1 2 10 98
No’s of play partners in last 12 months – M/s 0 or 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 >10 All
Female 25 12 4 4 1 5 1 1   7 60
Bottom/Submissive 23 9 2 3 1 5 1 1 6 51
Switch 1 1 1 3
Top/Dominant 1 2 1 1 1 6
Male 11 4 4 3   2       3 27
Bottom/Submissive 3 2 5
Switch 0 1 1 2
Top/Dominant 8 3 2 2 2 3 20
Grand Total 36 16 8 7 1 7 1 1 0 10 87
No’s of play partners in last 12 months – D/s 0 or 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 >10 All
Female 72 44 35 12 10 7 2 3 1 10 196
Bottom/Submissive 62 38 26 10 7 5 2 1 2 153
Switch 7 2 3 1 1 2 2 18
Top/Dominant 3 4 6 1 3 1 1 6 25
Male 43 32 28 8 7 9 5 3   3 138
Bottom/Submissive 16 8 10 2 3 1 1 1 1 43
Switch 11 8 4 2 3 2 2 1 33
Top/Dominant 16 16 14 4 1 6 2 1 2 62
Total 115 76 63 20 17 16 7 6 1 13 334
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BDSM safeword survey – Are safewords essential in all BDSM transactions?

BelasariusThis article looks at how strongly 491 survey participants felt about using safewords in all their BDSM interactions. The method I have used for calculating the charts is detailed below.

In the analysis I have done here I found significant differences in attitude between different groups as to which were more likely to think a safeword essential in all their interactions than not (switches and S/m people were more likely to think safewords essential).

I asked further questions about the  use of safewords in play and, specifically, with relationship partners and these will be analysed in future articles.

The first chart, below, shows how inclined, or not, all respondents were to consider safewords essential.

Safewords essential all

As can be seen, only the group of respondents who identified as switches were more likely to agree with the statement “Safewords are essential in all BDSM transactions” than not. Tops/dominants and bottoms/submissives showed an almost equal inclination to disagree. Bottoms/submissives, however, were slightly less likely to agree with the statement too.

Women

This and the the next chart show the attitude of female respondents to whether safewords are essential. The first chart looks at attitudes according to the respondent’s position in the relationship.

Female switches are much more likely to agree that safewords are essential than to disagree, whilst both tops and bottoms are both more than twice as likely to disagree than to agree (there is little real difference between the groups).

Safewords essential women

The next chart shows women’s attitudes based on the respondent’s choice of BDSM component – ie whether they are in a Sadist/Masochist (S/m), Master (mistress) and slave,(M/s) or dominant/submissive dynamic.

Safewords essential woment component

S/m women were more likely to agree that safewords were essential than not. D/s women are more likely to disagree, but not by much. But M/s women are around four and a half times more likely to disagree that safewords are essential than to agree.

Men

This next chart shows the responses of males concerning whether safewords are essential in all BDSM transactions. Within each orientation it differs little from the responses given by women. But, overall, male respondents were more likely to  disagree that safewords were essential than women. Males switches in particular were more balanced than females – where roughly twice as many thought safewords were essential than didn’t.

safewords essential men

Male S/m people differ quite markedly from their female equivalents (chart below). Female sadists/masochists were slightly more likely to say they agreed safewords were essential than not. Males were more than twice as likely to disagree.

safewords essential men component

People in master/slave dynamics showed a pronounced gender difference too. Males are only twice as likely to disagree that safewords are essential, whereas women were more than four times as likely to disagree. In contrast, whilst D/s women were only slightly more likely to disagree, Dominant/submissive men were much more likely to disagree.

Data used in this article

The article uses data from a question where people were asked whether they considered safewords to be essential in all BDSM transactions. 491 people answered the question. People were able to pick from the following responses:

  • Agree
  • Agree strongly
  • Neither agree nor disagree
  • Disagree
  • Disagree strongly

To produce the charts used above I manipulated the data as follows:

  • Agree (scored 1)
  • Agree strongly (scored 2)
  • Neither agree nor disagree (eliminated from responses)
  • Disagree (scored -1)
  • Disagree strongly (scored -2)

I totalled the  scores and then divided that by the total of all responses (including “Neither agree nor disagree”, in order that a high neutral response would influence the outcome by reducing both negative and positive scores). I multiplied the result by 10 for convenience.

The data used is in the tables below

Safewords are essential in all BDSM interactions – sample structure
Agree Agree strongly Disagree Disagree strongly Neither agree nor disagree All
Bottom/Submissive Dominant/Submissive 28 29 54 53 23 187
Master/Slave 2 4 9 34 6 55
Sadist/Masochist 3 2 12 5 9 31
Bottom/Submissive Total 33 35 75 92 38 273
Switch Dominant/Submissive 12 12 11 3 8 46
Master/Slave 1 1 1 1 1 5
Sadist/Masochist 8 2 9 7 10 36
Switch Total 21 15 21 11 19 87
Top/Dominant Dominant/Submissive 11 13 17 25 15 81
Master/Slave 1 1 23 1 26
Sadist/Masochist 5 8 5 5 1 24
Top/Dominant Total 16 22 23 53 17 131
Grand Total 70 72 119 156 74 491
Safewords are essential in all BDSM interactions – women
Agree Agree strongly Disagree Disagree strongly Neither agree nor disagree All
Bottom/Submissive Dominant/Submissive 20 26 43 39 18 146
Master/Slave 1 4 8 32 5 50
Sadist/Masochist 3 2 8 4 6 23
Bottom/Submissive Total 24 32 59 75 29 219
Switch Dominant/Submissive 3 7 3 2 2 17
Master/Slave 1 1 1 3
Sadist/Masochist 4 2 2 2 7 17
Switch Total 8 9 6 5 9 37
Top/Dominant Dominant/Submissive 2 2 6 6 6 22
Master/Slave 6 6
Sadist/Masochist 2 3 2 1 8
Top/Dominant Total 4 5 8 13 6 36
Grand Total 36 46 73 93 44 292
Safewords are essential in all BDSM interactions – men
Agree Agree strongly Disagree Disagree strongly Neither agree nor disagree All
Bottom/Submissive Dominant/Submissive 8 3 11 14 5 41
Master/Slave 1 1 2 1 5
Sadist/Masochist 4 1 3 8
Bottom/Submissive Total 9 3 16 17 9 54
Switch Dominant/Submissive 9 5 8 1 6 29
Master/Slave 1 1 2
Sadist/Masochist 4 7 5 3 19
Switch Total 13 6 15 6 10 50
Top/Dominant Dominant/Submissive 9 11 11 19 9 59
Master/Slave 1 1 17 1 20
Sadist/Masochist 3 5 3 4 1 16
Top/Dominant Total 12 17 15 40 11 95
Grand Total 34 26 46 63 30 199

Background

This is the fifth article about the safeword survey I recently conducted. More information about the terms and ideas I use in these surveys can be found here. Information about the demographics of this survey is here.

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Differing dynamics: S/m, M/s and D/s

BelasariusThe data below comes from the BDSM Safewords survey but isn’t about safewords – instead it looks at the shape of dynamics of people in different types of BDSM relationships – Sadists/masochists (S/m), Masters( mistresses/slaves (M/s) and Dominants/submissives (D/s).

I asked people about their attitudes to various things BDSM people like to do. The chart below shows broad differences in approach to BDSM people in each of the above groups. What I did was take the score for “essential to me” (see Background, below) and subtract from it the score for “I don’t do this”.

Here is how the top nine areas of interest/interaction differed for each group;

Dominant/ submissive Master/ Slave Sadist/ Masochist
1 Control Control Pain
2 Sex Sex Bondage
3 Bondage Service Sex
4 Exhibitionism Ritual Control
5 Ritual Pain Fetish
6 Service Bondage Exhibitionism
7 Pain Fetish Humiliation
8 Fetish Humiliation Service
9 Humiliation Exhibitionism Ritual

I’ve colour coded the responses. Red represents what I consider the more “physical” aspects of BDSM and blue the more “mental” aspects: I recognise that, like almost everything we do, this is open to wide interpretation – it’s just to try to show some “at a glance” differences more easily. I coloured sex green because I think it’s a sort of relationship fundamental that doesn’t fit easily into either group.

What’s clear is probably not rocket science: The S/m people who responded are more into physical aspects of BDSM than other groups, whilst M/s people prefer “blue” choices and D/s people fall somewhere between.

The chart below looks at this data again, this time ranking it from the most popular to the least popular choices made by D/s people (the biggest group).

D:s, M:s and S:m - how dynamics differ

This chart bases the rankings on the scores for people in each group who said each area was essential to them and then subtracts the scores for those who said they  didn’t do it. So we can see that, for example, not only do service and ritual come well down on sadists/masochists lists of priorities, but they actively dislike them. Control is important for both M/s and D/s people but is, by a long chalk the key characteristic (with service No. 2 – but a fair way back) for M/s people.

Background

The 532 people who responded included 98 S/m people , 89 M/s people and 345 D/s people.

The question asked them to look at each of these things:

  • Pain
  • Bondage
  • Humiliation
  • Exhibitionism
  • Fetish
  • Sex
  • Ritual
  • Service
  • Control

And then asked them to rank each of these as follows:

  • Essential to me
  • Important to me
  • Neither important or unimportant
  • I dislike this
  • I don’t do this

To make the data in this article as stark as possible I only used the “Essential to me” and “I don’t do this” scores.

Results from BDSM styles and relationships survey.

The following, from a post on Informed Consent relating to my BDSM styles and relationships survey, relates to the above. At the time,  331 people had taken part. This is some of what the  104 people who identified as either sadist/masochist or master/slave said about their BDSM styles and relationships.

There’s an interesting demographic difference ( bear in mind these are small samples): 49% of S/m types are in full time work compared with 60% of M/s types. 33% of S/m people are not in work or full time education, whilst this is true of 18% of M/s people.

When it comes to sexuality, 61% of S/mers identified as heterosexual. 73% of M/s people did.

38% of S/m people said they switch. 7% of M/sers do.

Now, Sex. 36% of S/mers said this was essential to them. 64% of M/sers agree.

Next, Pain: 55% of S/mers say it is essential. 23% of M/sers agree. 33% of M/sers say pain is neither important or unimportant.

54% of M/s types say their BDSM relationship is their only one. 33% of S/mers say this. 33% of S/mers are not in a relationship compared with 16% of M/s respondents.

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