Cunt Punching

aveburysarsenTNI haven’t punched a cunt in a while.

I knee curvy_bottom in hers from time to time. That feels intimate: I’m kneeling over her, face to face, and either have just come out of her or am about to go in.

I can see her anticipation as I place a knee between her legs and draw it back. I can see her grimace as I make contact. Sometimes her eyes water. Her legs relax and I either go about my business or we fall into a cuddle.

Cunt punching. That’s different. It is much harder for a start. Harder as in stronger and more violent. Harder as in summoning up the blood to do it. It feels like an act of violence and, as such, not something I’d inflict on curvy_bottom.

It’s scary for the victim and scary for the D: I can’t convince myself there is anything in this other than a need to hurt and a need to see subjugation more than submission. That feels wrong. But it’s also honest and true. I want her frightened of me, just in that moment.

So, we’ve been talking about wanking through pain. The victim is about to wank for me. And I say, “I’d like to punch your cunt: do you consent?”.

Her eye’s widen. She looks better than just scared. I smile inside and do my best to stop a wide grin. I fail.

She thinks. She says “It’s not a hard limit we’ve agreed, so I suppose I should”.

I tell he to open her legs. I show the straight arm downward punch I am going to use. Her breath becomes shallow.

I place my fist on her cunt and draw it back. I don’t wait, but plunge my arm straight down. She shuts her eyes, closes her legs, raises her knees and, as I make contact, arches her back.

I hit her mons – not her cunt. My punch loses force because the contact area is inches behind where I expect it to be. She still gasps at the impact.

“Still” I say “How can I hit you properly if you move”. curvy_bottom moves alongside her and the victim grabs her leg. I can see my partner wants to offer the victim more comfort but I stop her. The victim opens her legs wide and straight and I punch again, before she has another moment to think.

This time the target stays still. My fist slams into its soft wetness with an immensely satisfying thwop. She screams but it’s the sound of hard flesh on soft flesh that burns itself into my brain. I feel slight suction as I remove it and I see the victim breathe again.

As I wipe my hand on her thigh I feel an immense sense of pride. She made herself my victim. She welcomed my punch.

She makes ready to wank. I put my hand on hers: “You now know what it’s like. Is this something you consent that I can do to you as I wish?”

She nods. She can see that’s not enough. “Yes”, she says.

Why my relationship isn’t better than anyone else’s and what’s wrong with “vanilla”?

aveburysarsenTNI saw a blog on UK BDSM website fetbook today. It made me think and drove me to post some thoughts on this, reproduced (and slightly edited) here.

First, concerning “vanilla”:

I love vanilla ice cream. I hate the term vanilla used in connection with BDSM and haven’t used it for some years now.

Why? Well, if people in D/s relationships are ever going to live their lives in the open then we need to be accepted by the wider world. Vanilla is sometimes used by BDSM people in a pejorative sense, which won’t help acceptance.

320px-Vanilla_florentine_codex

I don’t think that was the intent in the article that sparked this blog – but it still comes across that ‘vanilla” might be a less exciting, intense, trustful choice. There’s a sense of superiority that I don’t feel is true.

There are many differences between relationships based on D/s dynamics and non D/s relationships. For me, the first important distinction is that D/s can look like abuse from outside, but it isn’t, as long as it is based on consent. Getting the wider world to realise that would help us move into the light.

It looks likely that around 10% of people have a BDSM urge. Far fewer do anything about it. Fewer still make it a major focus for their lives. Most of the world would be very surprised at the thoughts expressed in the original article, a few of which would probably, in the wider world’s eyes, condemn the piece. Take the end of that blog:

Will you be satisfied having mild to medium Trust in your heart for your partner? 

Perhaps even a sense of deep trust in your heart?  

Or do you need MORE – do you need the Living Experience of those moments when Trust is so In-Your-Face that their is plainly and simply no denying it, when you can almost taste it, feel it, and hold it in your hands?

I think few people in non-BDSM relationships will believe that the trust they have with their partner is in any way less than the trust we experience.

What follows is very personal. Many will differ – and that’s fine.

My partner is my partner. I have the same concerns and cares as people who have a non D/s relationship. What differs is not the relationship, we love each other, we enjoy cooking and theatre…

What differs is who we are. We are D/s people. Equal but opposite. She forgot to telephone me the other night, I spanked her – both of us are cool with that. (actually, that’s peachywrong: for both of us that was a perfectly natural thing to do).

What differs for me is not the deepness or intensity of the relationship, nor is the level of trust, or passion, or intensity different to what people in non BDSM relationships can achieve or experience.

What differs is who I am. I thrive in a relationship where I’m expected to take responsibility and be the leader. She thrives in her non BDSM marriage because that part of her which needs to serve and support is who she is when she is with me.

So, I used to be a BDSM evangelist because I thought I’d discovered a true way to the most fulfilling possible relationship and that people who chose BDSM automatically had deeper, richer lives than those that chose not to. I was wrong.

What I have is a relationship that is right for me, because D/s is at the centre of who I am. It’s my orientation. I need it and I fail when I deny it.

But I’m no better or worse than anyone else. And I want to be accepted for that.

 

What do you call your partner – poll results

aveburysarsenTNFor nearly a year I’ve run a simple poll asking whether dominants and submissives have special names for each other and when they use them.

I’ve closed the polls, really because I’ve got bored more than anything else. Here are the results.

Naming policy

(ie what do people call each other).

NamingSubmissives most frequent response was that they used a general, not a unique name for their partner, followed by using their partner’s given name. However, only around a quarter of the votes from submissives were for using their partner’s given name and just under half were for using a special name – just not an unique one.

Dominants reversed this order of priority, being more likely to use their partners’ given name rather than any special name.

Naming protocol

(ie when do people use these names).

Protocol

I asked people when they used their special names – if they had them. Nearly one in four dominants voted that they didn’t have a naming protocol whilst less than half that proportion of votes from submissives agreed with this.

Dominants were most likely not to have any form of naming protocol. This was the least common choice for submissives.

Setting aside those who didn’t have a naming protocol, The most common result, for both submissives and dominants, was to use a naming protocol when by themselves or at scene events. The second most common return for submissives was using special names only when alone together.

Not proper research

This is a self-selecting sample of people who have responded to this poll over eleven months. I did my best to prevent repeat voting. But:

  • It’s a self selecting sample drawn from fetish/BDSM websites and Twitter.
  • People could vote on any or all of the options – so one vote does not mean one person responding.
  • There were 326 votes on the poll for dominants and 458 on the poll for submissives.

Thanks to all those who took part.

I’m still eagerly looking for participants in my US/UK BDSM and money survey. Absolutely anonymous – find it here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Brat in BDSM

aveburysarsenTNThis is the latest in my BDSM definitions articles and polls. The rest are  on this links page.

Many submissives, define themselves as “brats” often seeing this as a highly positive quality. Some dominants seek bratty partners but others think it is a negative quality or term or believe it isn’t sustainable if it is the main part of a long-term dynamic.

This article proposes a definition for the positive quality of being a brat, as follows:

“A brat is a BDSM submissive who enjoys being mischievous, disobedient and cheeky to their dominant, usually lightheartedly and in expectation of a reaction from their dominant. Brattishness may be temporary or enduring”. (30 May 2014)

So, what do you think?

The above, following comment from others, is a development of the original definition, first posted on 20 March 2014, which was:

“A brat is a BDSM submissive, usually female, who enjoys being mischievous, disobedient and cheeky to their dominant, usually in a lighthearted manner. A brat’s qualities will usually be fundamental to their dynamic. Brattiness may be temporary or enduring”.

71 people had voted for the above definition – 79% of whom said they felt it accurate and appropriate. These definitions aren’t final. This is just a suggestion from me that I’d like your views on – and I’ll build them wherever i can.

Readers may be interested in my views on “slut” too.

The Sexbridge English Dictionary

aveburysarsenTNHere as I find them, or as others give them, I intend to list definitions of common English words given a sexual, preferably BDSM, twist – wry or funny please.

This idea came from BBC Radio 4‘s vintage (but still going) antidote to panel games – “Have I Got news For You” which features the Uxbridge English Dictionary, a game where panelists find new and bladder-looseningly funny definitions for words. Delve here to see what I mean.

Here are my first:

  • Flapjack: A speculum.
  • Twickenham: Twisting nipples, sharply and with force.

All suggestions welcome!

“Ask” on StrangelyNormal

The UK BDSM website StrangelyNormal has created a first – or at least I think it is.

aveburysarsenTNThe latest board on the site is called”Ask” and it’s completely anonymous. People can say what they want* on any BDSM topic without anyone knowing who they are.

Now, I like StrangelyNormal anyway – it seems a site where people think a little before they post and robust, but considered debate seems to result – alongside a lot of very human banter. Good mix.

But this is terrific. Anyone can post any query they like without feeling silly, naive, odd, eccentric or on the sidelines. No-one is going to feel singled-out. And no showboater can say “look at me” when no one can tell who you are.

The first few threads on the board seem to be producing much more than newbie queries (which, I think, was one of the reasons “Ask” was set up). Instead, lots of debate on issues which, on boards where people are named, I’ve seen descend into cat and dog fights. Not, so far, here.

StrangelyNormal is, in my view, a damn fine site it’s fast, it works, the site-owner listens to feedback but still does things decisively and HIS way: It has real character.

But “Ask” is its finest hour, so far.

*(up to a point – the site’s admin says: “Should you think the Ask board is the place to have a go or ridicule people you are wrong. There will be one warning and should you ignore it your anonymity will be lifted and all will see your posts. Other than that feel free to post away on it.”)

BDSM and mental health

aveburysarsenTNI’ve no expertise on this topic – but it interests me. So this blog is just links to articles I have found. I’ll add to it from time to time (Please note, a number of the articles below are reactions to the same Dutch study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. The original paper relating to that can be found here.

A woman's back covered with different colored ...
A woman’s back covered with different colored waxes. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If you have recommendations to add to this list then please let me know. Please do the BDSM & Money Survey. Thank you!

Get a new picture of your kink

aveburysarsenTNI’ve updated my Excel spreadsheet BDSM dashboard.

Download it here: Belasarius_BDSM_dashboard_4.01

It now has 24 additional criteria including a new section on body

corset 001
Photo credit: skulptress9

modification for those of you who are into corsets, tight-lacing, piercing and tattoos.

It also has new options for recording your interest in pain and a few more play and sex choices.

This is what my kink now looks like at the time of writing.

My kink Nov 2013

The original “picture of your kink” spreadsheet is still available.

I will develop this further – The radargram is getting messy and i’d like to include both more kinks and a new section on BDSM roles.

Enjoy – and let me know what you think.

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Hooray for Activists

aveburysarsenTNI am a scaredy-cat in many ways. I write a good write (or, at least, I think I do – and I hope I am a severe self critic). But, I am not one of those who dares to get up in public and defend the right for us to be who we are.

In my utopia the relationship I have would be seen as just another lifestyle choice, no better and no worse than any mainstream lifestyle.

Just another lifestyle choice?

Deciding to live in a poly family, or sharing, or living in a relationship where the partners agree to be equal but opposite – that would be seen as ‘OK’ or ‘not for me – but OK’.

Consenting to parts of your relationship being non-consensual would be ‘OK”: Dispute resolution with the hand, between consenting adults, would be OK too.

I don’t expect any of this to meet universal approval. I don’t need applause: I just want to live the life I live discreetly and not secretly.

My experience is that this is not possible today. I have been outed in the workplace twice over the years. The first time it led to me becoming a behind-my-back figure of fun and the second time I faced an informal internal enquiry into whether I was bringing the firm into disrepute (I wasn’t – phew).

I have had my sexuality used to attempt to restrict access to my children (it failed – but it was worrisome) and I have had it used to attempt to scandalise other members of my family (very hurtful and partially effective).

I just don’t want future generations of people who need to live a D/s life to go through anything like this (or the much,much worse experiences others have had).

There are signs that the public mood is changing, that people like us are a little less feared,

BDSM
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

despised or laughed at than formerly. Recent legal decisions seem to show that this liberality is creeping into law too.

But, the very nature of D/s relationships seems to rub against the zeitgeist of tolerance and equality. For me there is an answer to that – public understanding that an F/m relationship isn’t about a man not ‘being a man’ and that a M/f relationship is not about the oppression of women because it is all based on informed consent.

I am a big fan of the informed consent principle:

The Informed Consent Principle is that BDSM requires the freely given informed consent of all participants; that participants should make genuine efforts to reach a shared awareness of risks and consequences; that if consent is given under duress or is invalidated by mental incapacity or intoxication then it is not legitimate; and that BDSM with this informed consent should not be criminalised or lead to discrimination.

Informed Consent
(Photo credit: Kevin Krejci)

I think if the wider world became aware that we have each other’s informed consent for everything we do, then prejudice would begin, slowly, to melt away.

But, I’m here to praise those who show their faces and stand up for people like me, who fear they can’t.

Thank you. All of you.

I do worry though, that we don’t always help ourselves. There are people like me, who fear the consequences of outing, and there are those who actively want BDSM to stay beneath the surface of public awareness: ‘it’s kinkier if it’s secret’ – its more fun and exciting because it is taboo.

 

 

Comfort Zone

aveburysarsenTNHow do I like my women? If not on the edge of a nervous breakdown, then certainly on the edge of their comfort zone.

If she’s a slut, then i want her to dress and act the lady as much as won’t actually drive her out of her mind.

If she’s little miss demure, then I’ll make her as slutty as I can, without actually making her die of humiliation.

And I’ll make it an evolutionary rather than revolutionary process.

English: The Red-eyed Tree Frog (Litoria chlor...
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

(y’know – the boiling frog thing: Place frog in pan. Swims comfortably. Turn heat on, gently, under pan. Frog lazes in gentle heat, until it’s too late! Frog never noticed just how hot things were getting. That’s the theory anyhow).

But, it  is after all all about me, isn’t it? I’m the Dom and it’s what I want that counts?

Well – no not really: It is always about the couple and the dynamic and what we want being what counts. And, I like to be with someone who tingles every moment of the day because she is being pushed in the direction of being someone she would never choose to be on her own account but who she is happy to be to please someone who finds her special.

 

First published earlier today on http://www.fetbook.it