You can see me, but I’m not an exhibitionist.

0004f9ec-a95d-9925-3787-f2bd8beaf1fe_110I’ve always said that I would never upload naked pictures to my profile. I don’t really need people to look at them and I like to think that if I am undressed it is because someone has asked me to do it rather than me being keen to get my bits out. I’m not horrendously self conscious but I do see undressing for someone as a quite humiliating thing in that it’s like saying “I’m here to be used in some way now” (even if that use is just the very act of being naked in itself).

I know we’ve all got the same bits (well half of us anyway!) and why should it all be so sacred but I do believe in keeping some privacy about being undressed so that if I do it for someone it is for them and nobody else.

Despite the above, Belasarius is an exhibitionist and he likes sharing photos of play and in wanting to be useful in my service to him, I don’t want to deny him that if it brings him pleasure. In this respect I consent to his photos of me being shared. On the one hand I feel flattered but there is also a very predominant feeling that when I look at the fact that my photo of me naked with my legs open is out there in webland it makes me feel tacky and dirty and slutty. This feeling made me cringe to the point that my toes curl and I chew my lips into raw flesh.

Beginning the pouringIn all the poses my legs are wide open, my nipples look hard and my cunt is glistening more than I was actually aware of it doing. The feelings that occur from this make me want to bow my head and hide under my duvet but they also make me feel proud and fascinated about what I’m willing to do through being keen to please and I can’t deny that I am so into this kind of headfuck.

Wow! The things that make you cringe and feel disbelief at yourself for being willing to do are perhaps the things that give the most satisfaction regarding my submission in that I believe that it can be constructive to be challenged outside of your comfort zone.

It is exciting and rewarding and it brings me closer to believing that there may be more of this kind of thing and it will be interesting to see the forms it will take.

It makes me more convinced that a head shaving could be entirely possible put it that way.

Oh my gawd! Just wow really! Can’t believe that I’m being asked to do these things that I’m giving ccnsent to and not wholly enjoying but still admittedly getting off on somewhat. It’s just come to me that perhaps that does make me a slut in the positive sense of the word. Oh my goodness I’ve never thought of myself as one but I guess this would be testament to that whole conditioning aspect of submission that so appeals to me.

Wow!

Totally covering totallycoverme’s fou-fou

I’ve told the story here of how I waxed curvy_bottom’s fou fou. More recently I, with totallycoverme’s help, gave c_b’s breast’s a decent covering in iridescent shades of green (like Shrek’s Missus, she looked). And, I gave totallycoverme (tcm) a small clitty mould as a memento (that’s the avatar you can see on her posts here)P6031712.JPG. Chatting with tcm’s master, he expressed delight in the thing and, as a big, big thank you for his lending me tcm to play with I decided to make him something more permanent. This is my description of the evening.

The quotes are totallycoverme’s reactions (and this is what she thought of the photos). I lay her on a tarpaulin covered low table and used a spreader bar to help ensure her legs didn’t come together as the wax hit. I used a couple of clips, tied to her thighs to keep her labia apart, so we could do the best possible job of getting a fairly detailed mould, including her clitoris.

0004f9ec-a95d-9925-3787-f2bd8beaf1fe_110Having clamps/pegs down there was painful but I have a feeling that the extent of the pain was overshadowed by a general feeling of being looked after by both c_b and yourself.

c_b wiped her (it was pleasing to find her in a high state of arousal) and then applied a coat of Vaseline to help protect her a little and to help with releasing the finished mould later. It’s important to spread this well and thinly so that detail is not obscured. I then got c_b to unhood tcm’s clitty so we could ensure we got a proper representation of the little darling and started dripping wax direct from a candle, from a height of about six inches.tcmffbig1 P6031716.ORFI thought this would be the most difficult bit for our victim, but that came later.

After about ten minutes work the clitoris had a nice thick coating and much of the space between the labia was filled. I carried on dripping from the candles until I had a decent coat. OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAThen I started dribbling dessert spoonfuls of melted wax (melted in a slow cooker and taken off the heat as soon as the wax was liquid, to keep it as cool as possible). tcm didn’t seem to think this was any sort of “cool” she recognised – I had to use another spreader bar on her collar and wrist harness at this point to stop her trying to clutch her cun). Three to five second flows of wax onto the target were, it seemed, much more difficult for her to bear than drips from the candle, even though they were not going straight onto exposed flesh. I was using my finger to help build up the coverage at the bottom of the mould and to stop it straying into her arse crack – I found it easy to bear. tcm clearly didn’t.

Eve0004f9ec-a95d-9925-3787-f2bd8beaf1fe_110n when new layers of wax were put over previous layers of wax, the heat made it feel like the wax was still going on uncovered skin each time.

c_b had melted some yellow crayon into the wax and I started to apply this with aP6031723.ORF small ladle. The flows were longer and more substantial and caused a great deal of screaming. Very satisfactory but also unneighbourly.

0004f9ec-a95d-9925-3787-f2bd8beaf1fe_110I can’t remember at what point this happened but when I had a massive swear at something that I found painful I felt awfully guilty and remorseful about it afterwards and I remember apologising a lot and meaning it desperately.

I gave the ladle to c_b and calmed tcm by pushing the spreader bar gently but firmly down on her throat, under the voicebox, and talking to her calmly. I held her hand and I watched her. This quieted her and we had no more big noise nor swearing. The seething didn’t stop though, which was most satisfactory.

0004f9ec-a95d-9925-3787-f2bd8beaf1fe_110The spreader bar pressed onto my neck brought about an unexpected sense of calm and focus, possibly through a slight element of shock. When the spreader bar was pressed briefly against the top of my feet at one point it reminded me of my purpose in being there to use in how it was unexpected and painful for me but I suspect it was fun and spontaneous for you. It reminded me of my use as a toy in that toys are there to be played with at a random whim.

We added green crayon to the wax and when it melted, c_b began brushing it on to build up a smoother surface finish. We’d taken frequent little breaks to let the thing harden but I’d begun to get a bit concerned that the wax, closer to the skin, appeared to be retaining quite a lot of heat. tcmffbig2I applied an ice pack (not straight out of the freezer!) and c_b set too with a hair dryer blowing cold air. We continued to wax and cool, wax and cool. tcm was, by now, mostly quite dreamy (when finally released she had no idea that the project had taken just under two tcmffbig3hours to complete).

0004f9ec-a95d-9925-3787-f2bd8beaf1fe_110I remember squeezing both your hands reeeeally tight at one point. I think this is when you were telling me that what we was doing was for everyone’s pleasure and how useful I was being.

She woke up though, when it was time to release the mould. I told her we were going to do it and her eyes popped out of her head before I even touched her! I eased the sides and c_b blew cold air underneath. The centre of the thing was still hot to touch. the area between her stretched labia had been completely filled and easing it away gently didn’t seem  to be an option. With a little wiggling and a quick wrench it came a way with a distinct pop at one end and a scream at the other. This is the final picture. It may look like a wedge of iceberg lettuce but I can assure you it isn’t.

It took six candles. OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA All of us had a whale of a time.

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Performing Nadu – by totallycoverme

0004f9ec-a95d-9925-3787-f2bd8beaf1fe_110I knew that I was going to be asked to do nadu. We had been talking about protocols and slave positions and I simply knew it was going to happen.

My first understanding of nadu was that it was for the purpose of the submissive showing themselves to be available to serve. It also had a humiliating aspect to it for someone who doesn‘t like to be exposed and is not an exhibitionist (that‘ll be me then!). My initial thoughts and ideas turned out true but I also experienced some unexpected feelings and ideas once I was putting it into practice.

A cushion was put on the floor for me in the corner of the room and I was asked to perform nadu. I began, even then with an amount of reluctance, by showing the kneeling position that I was most familiar with through previous experience: I knelt with my knees closed together, my hands behind my back and my head down. As a shy person I find this the easiest way to kneel and I wanted to offer this as a first option to see if this would be satisfactory. Once in this position I was told that I knew that this was not nadu. I was to do it properly.800px-The_Gor_Project_1_by_mjranum_stock

I open my legs to be told that they need to be as wide apart as they can be. Then I place my hands on my knees with palms facing upwards. So far this is mortifying but not unbearable.The real difficulty came in being told to put my head up.

Being asked to put my head up takes away my remaining element of privacy and this makes it a big deal.

Head up

Keeping my head down allows me to focus on the floor and hide my embarrassment (perhaps even an amount of shame that I can‘t quite put my finger on). As soon as I have to put my head up all of that final bit of dignity feels like it is no longer there. That‘s actually quite a hard pill to swallow because it takes away that little bit of peace and privacy that you can hold onto whilst keeping your head down.

I eventually did put my head up because I don‘t think that it is good service to keep someone waiting and having to repeat their instruction to you. Once my head was up it took a lot of persistence on my part not to keep dropping it back down.

It feels so exposing and squirmy when you realise that you‘re kneeling with your legs apart offering your submission so physically blatantly. When in this situation I didn‘t know where to look because I kept giggling and squirming and cringing and urgh! It was really difficult I can tell you! I was so grateful when I was told that I could close my eyes because it helped me to calm down and focus and it made the nadu position more about the people I was doing it for rather than my own discomfort with it and I think this is important.

I was then instructed to adopt the position of Sula and I think that strangely this came as a bit of a relief although I was still too focussed on my own embarrassment to go from one position to another in a way that was graceful and pleasing (I must work on that). The Sula position was required for functional reasons that lead to more things which lead to more things.

Whilst curvy_bottom was preparing for something that was to follow, Belasarius asked me whether I was doing anything and seeing that I wasn‘t doing anything, what should I be doing? (kind of like when someone catches you messing about when you‘re supposed to be working). I quickly remembered that when not serving in a directly active way that I need to be in nadu and got into the position there on the spot. It came quicker and more naturally this time but I still felt myself squeezing my eyes closed together much more so than had I simply been relaxed and asleep.

Pride in service

Later on that evening I found myself doing nothing in particular and I used my initiative to drop into nadu rather than awkwardly standing trying to cover myself again (ha!). I was pleased that I was picking it up because this was met with a very happy reaction from Belasarius. I think this is the first instance in which performing nadu gave me a sense of pride which took my focus away from feeling embarrassed so that was nice.

In this moment I gained a glimpse of what it could be to use nadu in a proud way rather than feel humiliated by it.

I hope I will be able to understand the importance of using nadu to take pride in my submission rather than feel exposed and humiliated by it. I think this will probably take some time based on how I‘m wired but overall it is important to me to make my service about what I can offer rather than obsessing about whether I feel humiliated or exposed by something or not. Maybe I‘ll always feel this way about some things but that isn‘t enough of a reason not to try to do it well.

I was also pleased to observe that when wearing ankle cuffs, the closest thing to nadu for comfort in that context is to cross my legs at the front in order to stop the pressure of the cuffs digging into my legs too much.

So that, ladies and gentlemen, is my first experience of performing nadu. Going forward I want to improve on doing it with grace and certainty regardless of how I feel. I think it is a valuable and useful concept and a challenging and worthwhile thing to work on.

I would love to be able to do it immediately without having to be told. I would take so much pride in that. I think a key thing that I have picked up from nadu so far is that taking pride in giving service should come before focussing on whether you feel humiliated or not. I think pride in service is so important because it‘s about pushing yourself to offer as much as you possibly can. I like this. Nadu makes sense to me in this respect.

Whipping position

I should also add that I was asked to take the whipping position in order to receive a paddle once on each cheek for failing to do something that was asked of me prior to meeting. I knew that this punishment was coming. It was both expected and deserved and I felt that the position was suitable and effective in being able to offer myself for what was deserved. I like that the whipping position is not dependant on furniture or any paraphernalia at all in order for punishment to be given or pleasure to be taken. I would say that the whipping position is constructive in being able to offer service.

Also, I‘ve been telling Master (Dragonfyre42) about how embarrassed I was to perform nadu and it made him giggle because he said that I even sounded embarrassed describing it to him and the fact that I did it. Wow!

All the blogs on our new journey are here.

Cunt Punching

aveburysarsenTNI haven’t punched a cunt in a while.

I knee curvy_bottom in hers from time to time. That feels intimate: I’m kneeling over her, face to face, and either have just come out of her or am about to go in.

I can see her anticipation as I place a knee between her legs and draw it back. I can see her grimace as I make contact. Sometimes her eyes water. Her legs relax and I either go about my business or we fall into a cuddle.

Cunt punching. That’s different. It is much harder for a start. Harder as in stronger and more violent. Harder as in summoning up the blood to do it. It feels like an act of violence and, as such, not something I’d inflict on curvy_bottom.

It’s scary for the victim and scary for the D: I can’t convince myself there is anything in this other than a need to hurt and a need to see subjugation more than submission. That feels wrong. But it’s also honest and true. I want her frightened of me, just in that moment.

So, we’ve been talking about wanking through pain. The victim is about to wank for me. And I say, “I’d like to punch your cunt: do you consent?”.

Her eye’s widen. She looks better than just scared. I smile inside and do my best to stop a wide grin. I fail.

She thinks. She says “It’s not a hard limit we’ve agreed, so I suppose I should”.

I tell he to open her legs. I show the straight arm downward punch I am going to use. Her breath becomes shallow.

I place my fist on her cunt and draw it back. I don’t wait, but plunge my arm straight down. She shuts her eyes, closes her legs, raises her knees and, as I make contact, arches her back.

I hit her mons – not her cunt. My punch loses force because the contact area is inches behind where I expect it to be. She still gasps at the impact.

“Still” I say “How can I hit you properly if you move”. curvy_bottom moves alongside her and the victim grabs her leg. I can see my partner wants to offer the victim more comfort but I stop her. The victim opens her legs wide and straight and I punch again, before she has another moment to think.

This time the target stays still. My fist slams into its soft wetness with an immensely satisfying thwop. She screams but it’s the sound of hard flesh on soft flesh that burns itself into my brain. I feel slight suction as I remove it and I see the victim breathe again.

As I wipe my hand on her thigh I feel an immense sense of pride. She made herself my victim. She welcomed my punch.

She makes ready to wank. I put my hand on hers: “You now know what it’s like. Is this something you consent that I can do to you as I wish?”

She nods. She can see that’s not enough. “Yes”, she says.

Why my relationship isn’t better than anyone else’s and what’s wrong with “vanilla”?

aveburysarsenTNI saw a blog on UK BDSM website fetbook today. It made me think and drove me to post some thoughts on this, reproduced (and slightly edited) here.

First, concerning “vanilla”:

I love vanilla ice cream. I hate the term vanilla used in connection with BDSM and haven’t used it for some years now.

Why? Well, if people in D/s relationships are ever going to live their lives in the open then we need to be accepted by the wider world. Vanilla is sometimes used by BDSM people in a pejorative sense, which won’t help acceptance.

320px-Vanilla_florentine_codex

I don’t think that was the intent in the article that sparked this blog – but it still comes across that ‘vanilla” might be a less exciting, intense, trustful choice. There’s a sense of superiority that I don’t feel is true.

There are many differences between relationships based on D/s dynamics and non D/s relationships. For me, the first important distinction is that D/s can look like abuse from outside, but it isn’t, as long as it is based on consent. Getting the wider world to realise that would help us move into the light.

It looks likely that around 10% of people have a BDSM urge. Far fewer do anything about it. Fewer still make it a major focus for their lives. Most of the world would be very surprised at the thoughts expressed in the original article, a few of which would probably, in the wider world’s eyes, condemn the piece. Take the end of that blog:

Will you be satisfied having mild to medium Trust in your heart for your partner? 

Perhaps even a sense of deep trust in your heart?  

Or do you need MORE – do you need the Living Experience of those moments when Trust is so In-Your-Face that their is plainly and simply no denying it, when you can almost taste it, feel it, and hold it in your hands?

I think few people in non-BDSM relationships will believe that the trust they have with their partner is in any way less than the trust we experience.

What follows is very personal. Many will differ – and that’s fine.

My partner is my partner. I have the same concerns and cares as people who have a non D/s relationship. What differs is not the relationship, we love each other, we enjoy cooking and theatre…

What differs is who we are. We are D/s people. Equal but opposite. She forgot to telephone me the other night, I spanked her – both of us are cool with that. (actually, that’s peachywrong: for both of us that was a perfectly natural thing to do).

What differs for me is not the deepness or intensity of the relationship, nor is the level of trust, or passion, or intensity different to what people in non BDSM relationships can achieve or experience.

What differs is who I am. I thrive in a relationship where I’m expected to take responsibility and be the leader. She thrives in her non BDSM marriage because that part of her which needs to serve and support is who she is when she is with me.

So, I used to be a BDSM evangelist because I thought I’d discovered a true way to the most fulfilling possible relationship and that people who chose BDSM automatically had deeper, richer lives than those that chose not to. I was wrong.

What I have is a relationship that is right for me, because D/s is at the centre of who I am. It’s my orientation. I need it and I fail when I deny it.

But I’m no better or worse than anyone else. And I want to be accepted for that.

 

What do you call your partner – poll results

aveburysarsenTNFor nearly a year I’ve run a simple poll asking whether dominants and submissives have special names for each other and when they use them.

I’ve closed the polls, really because I’ve got bored more than anything else. Here are the results.

Naming policy

(ie what do people call each other).

NamingSubmissives most frequent response was that they used a general, not a unique name for their partner, followed by using their partner’s given name. However, only around a quarter of the votes from submissives were for using their partner’s given name and just under half were for using a special name – just not an unique one.

Dominants reversed this order of priority, being more likely to use their partners’ given name rather than any special name.

Naming protocol

(ie when do people use these names).

Protocol

I asked people when they used their special names – if they had them. Nearly one in four dominants voted that they didn’t have a naming protocol whilst less than half that proportion of votes from submissives agreed with this.

Dominants were most likely not to have any form of naming protocol. This was the least common choice for submissives.

Setting aside those who didn’t have a naming protocol, The most common result, for both submissives and dominants, was to use a naming protocol when by themselves or at scene events. The second most common return for submissives was using special names only when alone together.

Not proper research

This is a self-selecting sample of people who have responded to this poll over eleven months. I did my best to prevent repeat voting. But:

  • It’s a self selecting sample drawn from fetish/BDSM websites and Twitter.
  • People could vote on any or all of the options – so one vote does not mean one person responding.
  • There were 326 votes on the poll for dominants and 458 on the poll for submissives.

Thanks to all those who took part.

I’m still eagerly looking for participants in my US/UK BDSM and money survey. Absolutely anonymous – find it here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Brat in BDSM

aveburysarsenTNThis is the latest in my BDSM definitions articles and polls. The rest are  on this links page.

Many submissives, define themselves as “brats” often seeing this as a highly positive quality. Some dominants seek bratty partners but others think it is a negative quality or term or believe it isn’t sustainable if it is the main part of a long-term dynamic.

This article proposes a definition for the positive quality of being a brat, as follows:

“A brat is a BDSM submissive who enjoys being mischievous, disobedient and cheeky to their dominant, usually lightheartedly and in expectation of a reaction from their dominant. Brattishness may be temporary or enduring”. (30 May 2014)

So, what do you think?

The above, following comment from others, is a development of the original definition, first posted on 20 March 2014, which was:

“A brat is a BDSM submissive, usually female, who enjoys being mischievous, disobedient and cheeky to their dominant, usually in a lighthearted manner. A brat’s qualities will usually be fundamental to their dynamic. Brattiness may be temporary or enduring”.

71 people had voted for the above definition – 79% of whom said they felt it accurate and appropriate. These definitions aren’t final. This is just a suggestion from me that I’d like your views on – and I’ll build them wherever i can.

Readers may be interested in my views on “slut” too.