Bottom (BDSM) – Page 2 – A dominant and submissive life

BDSM Safeword Survey – who uses safewords with play partners

The safeword survey survey asked the question “Thinking of BDSM interactions with your play partner(s) and of safewords…” and then asked how likely the respondent was to use a safeword.

500 of the 533 people in the sample answered the question.

This article looks at the use of safewords with play partners and looks at the differences that characterised respondents to the survey, based on their BDSM orientation.

Switches use safewords more.

I looked just at those people who always use safewords or never use safewords, crosstabbed with their BDSM orientation (Chart 4). Both switches and Tops/dominants said they were more likely to always use a safeword with play partners than to never use a safeword. By contrast, bottoms/submissives stated they were more likely to never use a safeword.

This contrasts with the way people use safewords with their principal relationship partners, where far fewer said they used safewords.

Safewords – and numbers of play partners

I asked respondents how many people they played with in a year. I thought it might be interesting to look at whether the number of play partners people said they had affected the way they used safewords.

Bottoms/submissives

Bottoms/submissives who said they only played with one person in the last 12 months are much more likely to never use a safeword than they are to use one all the time. But bottoms and submissives with low or moderate numbers of play parters (between two and five) said they are more likely to use a safeword all the time than not to use one at all.By contrast those who said played with larger numbers of people may be more devil-may-care and are much more likely to never use a safeword than always to use one.

Switches

Switches contrasted sharply with both bottoms/submissives and tops/dominants. Throughout the sample switch respondents stated they were more likely to always use a safeword than to never use a safeword. And, with a couple of exceptions, the more play partners a respondent had, the more likely this was to be what they said.

Tops/Dominants

Tops/dominants with a single plat partner said they were much more likely never to use a safeword than to always use one. But for every other no. of partners the reverse was true. Though the proportion always using a safeword was very much higher than the proportion that never use a safeword, for every number of partners other than one, the levels of safeword use reported were fairly level in comparison with switches – where it respondents reported that the more partners they had the more likely they were to use a safeword all the time.

Data for this article.

The table below shows the numbers of respondents from which the charts above were compiled. Some of the groups are very small.

Thinking of BDSM interactions with play partners and safewords…
	No of play partners	I always use a safeword	I mostly DON’T use a safeword	I mostly use a safeword	I never use a safeword	All
Bottom/Submissive	1	32	18	7	53	110
	2	22	18	7	12	59
	3	10	14	9	7	40
	4	5	7	7	4	23
	5	4	2	4	2	12
	“5-10”	4	6	3	7	20
	“10 or more”	2	2	3	5	12
Bottom/Submissive Total		79	67	40	90	276
Switch	1	12	6	4	4	26
	2	5	3	2	4	14
	3	6	4	4	1	15
	4	3	1	2		6
	5	5		2	1	8
	“5-10”	6	2	8	1	17
	“10 or more”	3	1			4
Switch Total		40	17	22	11	90
Top/Dominant	1	8	6	3	15	32
	2	11	8	4	4	27
	3	11	8	5	3	27
	4	5	1	4	2	12
	5	2	2	1	1	6
	“5-10”	6	4	2	1	13
	“10 or more”	8	6	3		17
Top/Dominant Total		51	35	22	26	134
Total		170	119	84	127	500

Background

This is the third article about the safeword survey I recently conducted. More information about the terms and ideas I use in these surveys can be found here. Information about the demographics of this survey is here.

This article can be compared with an earlier one, looking at how people use safewords with their principal relationship partners.

Safeword Survey – who uses them with their principal partners (belasarius.com)
BDSM People who like “pain” and safewords (belasarius.com)
Safewords – new, more detailed poll – Please take part (belasarius.com)
What is BDSM? (kinxfetish.wordpress.com)
One In Three Kinksters Reports A Consent Violation (yesmeansyesblog.wordpress.com)
Cleis Press Author Tristan Taormino featured on E! Entertainment TV in “Real 50 Shades of Grey” (prweb.com)

What do sadists really like (and submissives, and slaves, etc).

Back in June 2012 I ran a survey on BDSM styles and relationships (or “BDSM – How Do You Like Yours”) which looked at some of the basic components of BDSM interactions.

This article looks at the question “How do various BDSM components fit into your life”. It shows, probably unsurprisingly, that respondents that characterised themselves as sadists/masochists (S/m)ranked things quite differently from dominants/submissives (D/s) and masters (mistresses)/slaves (M/s)

S/m people said pain was better than sex. For M/s respondents control, service and ritual came before a roll in the hay. D/s people put sex first, but only a tiny, tiny bit ahead of control.

More details are found in the charts below – where the top three interactions for each group appear in darker colours and the bottom two in lighter shades.

Background

Respondents were asked to score each area 1- 5 in a range of responses that were:

I don’t do this
I dislike this
This is neither important nor unimportant
This is important to me
This is essential to me

The ten areas of interaction were:

Pain
Bondage
Fetish dressing
Humiliation
Exhibitionism
Sex
Safewords
Service
Ritual
Control

429 people answered the question: 94 said they were sadists/masochists, 277 said they were dominants/submissives and 58 said they were masters/slaves. 31 people skipped the question.

Sadists & Masochists

Those who responded saying they were sadists and masochists put pain a long way ahead of everything else as the thing that was most important to them. Bondage just edged sex into third place. Control, in fourth, was fairly important too. Service and ritual came ninth and tenth.

Masters (mistresses) and slaves.

Control is the biggest thing for respondents in this group, with service coming second and ritual and sex a short way behind, in joint third. The least important factors are fetish dressing and safewords, which trails a long way behind the other factors. Bondage was a little more important than pain to M/s people.

Dominants and submissives

Dominants and submissives were the only group who put sex at the top of their list. And then, it is only a teensy way in front of control, with bondage a little way behind. Pain comes fourth. The two areas that least interest the D/s people who took part are humiliation and, last of all, exhibitionism.

BDSM People and multiple partnerships (from styles and relationships survey) (belasarius.com)
Safeword Survey – who uses them with their principal partners (belasarius.com)
BDSM People who like “pain” and safewords (belasarius.com)

BDSM Safe word Survey – who uses them with their principal partners

This is the first article about the safeword survey I recently conducted. More information about the terms and ideas I use in these surveys can be found here. Information about the demographics of this survey is here.

The survey asked the question “Thinking of BDSM interactions with your principal relationship partner(s) and of safewords…” and then asked how likely the respondent was to use a safeword. 500 of the 533 people in the sample answered the question.

Chart one (above ) shows the responses to the question and Table one (below) shows the same data as percentages.

Table 1 Thinking of BDSM interactions with your principal relationship partner(s) and safewords…
	Any other preference	Female	Male	Grand Total
I always use a safeword	38%	24%	27%	25%
I mostly DON’T use a safeword	25%	18%	17%	18%
I mostly use a safeword	13%	10%	15%	12%
I never use a safeword	25%	48%	42%	45%
Grand Total	100%	100%	100%	100%

So, across the entire sample, all respondents were far more likely NOT to use safewords with their principal partners than to use safewords (the responses on play partners are quite different, as we shall see in forthcoming blogs). sixty-three percent either never use a safeword with their partner (45%) or “mostly DON’t use a safeword” (18%). Only one in four (25%) always used a safeword. This reflects the results of the survey I did here in August 2012, where 61% of the 309 people who took part said they mostly don’t use safewords.

Gender

Women appear slightly less likely to use a safeword than men. 66% of women either did not use a safeword at all or mostly did not. 59% of men answered in these ways.

BDSM Orientation

Things are different when you analyse the sample by orientation (Sadist?masochist – S/m, Dominant/submissive – D/s, and Master/slave – M/s).

Chart 2 (above) and table 2 (below) show the raw numbers and percentages of each group that answered this question in each way.

Table 2 Thinking of BDSM interactions with your principal relationship partner(s) and safewords…
	Dominant/ Submissive	Master/Slave	Sadist/ Masochist	All
I always use a safeword	27%	6%	38%	25%
I mostly DON’T use a safeword	18%	8%	27%	18%
I mostly use a safeword	14%	2%	13%	12%
I never use a safeword	41%	84%	22%	45%
Grand Total	100%	100%	100%	100%

S/m respondents were far more likely to use a safeword (38% always did – well ahead of the sample as a whole – 25%). M/s people said they were least likely to use a safeword: Only 6% said they used one all the time and 84% said they never used them. Only 22% of S/m people said they never used a safeword.

D/s respondents (who are most of the participants) lay between these extremes and close to the averages for the sample as a whole.

BDSM Orientation

There always seems to be a bias in these surveys towards submissives, especially females. Perhaps they are just more into surveys!

Chart Three (above) shows how tops/bottoms and switches use safewords and table 3 (below) gives the same data in percentages. Again, it’s clear that, across all respondents, most either don’t use a safeword at all – or not the majority of the time.

42% of Tops/dominants use safewords all or some of the time compared with 30% of bottoms/submissives. This contrasts with switches where a majority (52%) mostly use safewords.

Switches were also the group most likely to use safewords with their partners all the time – 38% said they did (20% for bottoms and 29% for tops).

Table 3	Who uses safewords by BDSM		orientation
	Bottom/ Submissive	Switch	Top/Dominant	All
I always use a safeword	20%	38%	29%	25%
I mostly DON’T use a safeword	18%	26%	12%	18%
I mostly use a safeword	10%	13%	13%	12%
I never use a safeword	52%	23%	46%	45%
Grand Total	100%	100%	100%	100%

Safewords – new, more detailed poll – Please take part (belasarius.com)

BDSM Punishment; BDSM Play – and Play Punishment

There are times when I give the girl a good whacking for my entertainment and she takes satisfaction in that: We call that play. Wikipedia defines it thus:

Play is a term employed in psychology and ethology to describe a range of voluntary, intrinsically motivated activities normally associated with recreational pleasure and enjoyment. Play is most commonly associated with children and their juvenile-level activities, but play can also be a useful adult activity, and occurs among other higher-functioning animals as well.

There are times when she is a bit naughty. I spank her. That is punishment of a sort. Wikipedia says this of punishment:

Punishment is the authoritative imposition of something negative or unpleasant on a person, animal, organization or entity in response tobehavior deemed unacceptable by an individual, group or other entity

There are rarer times when something hurtful has passed between us and something that hurts helps mend things. That is punishment too. Rather more intense, serious and upsetting to both.

For us, play is joyful: punishment is anything but.

All this is consensual, she lets me do this to her. But that doesn’t make it something she volunteers for. Our dynamic, and the limit it is controlled by, means she has given informed consent to me playing with her, within our limits, when I want and punishing her, within our limits, when i find it necessary. Both things feel real to us and, I believe, to many others, whether they are in long-term relationships or not.

BDSM Punishment

I find it very difficult to think of anything as punishment if it leaves the punished person with a sense of joyful satisfaction. That’s play – and there is nothing wrong with that. But punishment’s satisfaction is in forgiveness and atonement, and not in the physical or mental stimulation of the thing for its own sake.

When I spank her for something trivial it’s quite often quite gleeful for me. Not for her though (and this is the weird-but-important-to-us bit): She reacts quite differently to spankings of similar intensity depending whether it is punishment or play. The head space is different: she is genuinely remorseful and requires comforting, in the case of a punishment. She is quite smiley and proud of taking what I dish out if I whack her just because I want to.

English: The old stocks at Chapeltown. — (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Of course, you run the risk of inadvertently making her smile by imposing a penalty she rather likes. But, you can usually find something they won’t love (or that they love to hate) and use that when punishment must be given. YKIOK (Your kink is okay), but my kink, if it is one, would be to make sure that, if real punishment is required (something rare – I’ve not done it this year, I don’t think), that it was something that provided no comfort or satisfaction other than that experienced in atonement and forgiveness.

I think you can draw the distinction between BDSM play and BDSM punishment in pretty much every BDSM transaction from a long-term loving D/s or M/s relationship to a one-off interaction at a club (and everything in between): If it’s enjoyable to both parties, it’s play. If it’s being done to in response to something the Dom regards as wrong and it’s unpleasant to the submissive and, maybe, to the others involved, then it’s punishment, whatever it is.

The Dom’s dilemma

For us, punishment is sometimes part of a process of reconciliation and it does feel uncomfortable,

sometimes hateful, to me. What if I’m being genuinely unjust? I’ll hurt our relationship, maybe long-term. What if part of the fault was mine (it usually takes two to tango), then it only seems right if the punishment becomes, genuinely, something we both feel bad about. For me to enjoy it in those circumstances could be construed as me pleasing myself, and not as me taking responsibility for our relationship.

So, Play, no matter how severe, is still lovely and light and enjoyable by all. Punishment, no matter how light is something severe and serious which causes unhappiness for the dominant (and maybe his/her partner) because it is necessary, and for the submissive (or maybe both partners) in its infliction.

Making a clear distinction between the two makes it easier to explain both terms and the satisfaction experienced by BDSM people in both. My experience has been, from time to time, that trying to explain the concept of punishment as it works in my relationship ( and in others) has been undermined by the impression some have that BDSM play is the same as BDSM punishment ( as I’ve said above, we do both) and that punishment is always “just a bit of fun”.

This has led to people expressing the view to me that D/s relationships are trivial, unreal fantasies.

This is upsetting: Whilst I feel I am unlikely ever to live my BDSM D/s life discreetly but openly, I’d like that to be true for people sometime in the future.

I think it would be useful if BDSM punishment is seen as distinct from BDSM play, Almost everyone in BDSM plays. Some punish or are punished. Being aware that there is a difference gives depth to people’s views of BDSM relationships. I think that’s a good thing.

You can read the definition of BDSM punishment I’ve developed, with the help of of others, and vote and comment on it here.

Consensual Slavery. (belasarius.com)
Definition – “Dynamic” in BDSM (belasarius.com)
Dominance in a BDSM relationship (belasarius.com)
Definitions – so what is a BDSM Slave? (belasarius.com)
Definitions in general and submission in BDSM in particular (belasarius.com)
Continuing in the D/s Lifestyle – is D/s and BDSM the Same? (cassandredayne.wordpress.com)

Consensual Slavery.

I don’t characterise my BDSM dynamic with curvy_bottom as an M/s one. She’s a submissive, not a BDSM slave. Having said that, I’ve often in the past, thought of consensual BDSM slavery as a state to which I, as the person on top, aspire.

These day’s I’m really not sure whether a BDSM slave (Master/slave or M/s) dynamic is heaven or hell for either party.

Consensual non-consent

I like the concept of consensual non-consentand wonder whether this is all that is required for someone to characterise themselves as a BDSM slave? But, as most of the people I’ve spoken to

who characterise themselves as in M/s relationships talk of ownership, possession and control, I’m unsure that, by itself, CN-C is sufficient.

There is another thing. I think I’ve seen slave type dynamics in non-BDSM relationships. I mean non-abusive ones (though I think differentiating BDSM ownership/slavery from abuse is absolutely key to gaining acceptance of this as a positive form of human relationship that can be fulfilling for both parties.

Slave-style relationships in the non-BDSM world

The non-BDSM relationships I’ve seen which seem to resemble BDSM slavery are ones where one party is very much “taken care of” by the other, who assumes responsibility for much of their life together and both parties seem very content for that to happen. It seems to me that some BDSM slave relationships are like this, but with the addition of BDSM sexual and fetish elements and without any form of disguise masking the authority aspects of the dynamic.

Sometimes I got the feeling that a non-BDSM “slave” relationship had a less positive connotation too: The partner who was content to be dependent seemed to be more in love with the one on top, and both seemed aware of it. It was almost as if the “bottom” partner knew that, though it was unlikely, the top partner could, in extremis, walk away. That could easily be a bad, maybe abusive, thing, But I didn’t detect that – more that the senior partner was aware and had made themselves responsible for ensuring their partner had faith in them.

I haven’t seen this, I don’t think, in BDSM relationships (other than my own, even though I’m top, I do, from time to time, sense the responsibility thing from curvy_bottom, because we are in a shared relationship: she could have walked away – Iam not as good at having faith as i should be): Maybe that’s because, in a BDSM thing, a huge part of the attraction for the bottom often is that things can be done to him/her, for the satisfaction of another, that he/she doesn’t want?

This is a bit of a ramble. What do YOU think?

Definitions – so what is a BDSM Slave? (belasarius.com)
Definition – “Dynamic” in BDSM (belasarius.com)
BDSM people and multiple or poly relationships (belasarius.com)

Northern lady’s BDSM Translator

Reposted by kind permission of northernlady22 from the UK’s Informed Consent website

Recently we have seen quite a few threads discussing definitions and meanings, I have decided to take things a little further and provide my own guide to profiles and comments you might find within!

The D/s (full of shit) Translator:

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“My role is to help you identify then stretch your limits” [Translation: limits!!….let’s just do what I like.]
“My pet, you seem to be struggling with your submission – that is a natural feeling.” [Translation: Any more smart arse back chat from you and your gone.]
“You seem troubled my pet. We should talk.” [Translation: Your sulking is giving me the shits.]
“You are so wonderfully responsive” [Translation: You wail like a banshee and move around so much I want to hit every major organ….including your brain.]
“It is only in being owned that you will ever be completely free.” [Translation: I need some idiot to give up his/her own life to wait on me hand and foot without payment.]
“I have 20 years experience” [Translation: 20 years ago I tied someone to the bed and last week I tried it again.]
“For me, the ritual of aftercare is the most important part of our scene” [Translation: Because that is when you stagger off to get me a drink.]
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
“A true Dom has humility and never stops learning.” [Translation: Yeah, so I fucked up again: don’t give me that accusing look,]
“I never, ever strike in anger.” [Translation: It just feels that way when you give me shit.]
“It is time we explored polyamory together.” [Translation: It is time I shagged other people. You can help me pick them up and be my excuse to get rid of them afterwards]
“I cannot meet you at a BDSM club because I am a very private
person.” [Translation: I cannot meet you at a BDSM club because I am a very married person.]
“I trained as a Domina in Europe in my early 20s.” [Translation: I had a kinky shag when backpacking around Europe after Uni.]
“Don’t think of it as pain. Think of it as intense sensation.” [Translation: This is going to hurt like hell, but I am almost certain that you’ll be too proud to safeword and stop the party.]
“You can only be a truly successful Dominant if you have submitted.” [Translation: I want you to sub to me, and that sounds like a legit reason, so you might actually consider it.]
“You must master your own life before you can master another’s.” [Translation: You need to have a 20-thousand square foot house and be earning at least 250k a year or the deal’s are all off. As a sub, I need to be accommodated in the style I would like to become accustomed to.]
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“I have no limits.” [Translation: Until you go beyond what is legal so I can have you charged, convicted and sue you to live the rest of my life off the proceeds]
“That’s not a Dom–that’s a control freak.” [Translation: Get rid of that person. I wanna be your Dom.]
“All Dommes need is to find the right man.” [Translation: Cuz I’m IT!]
“You aren’t sub enough.” [Translation: I can’t handle a person with a mind of their own without resorting to cheap manipulation.]
“You’re not submissive enough.” [Translation: Because you won’t quit your management job, move across the country today and give me oral sex on the off-hand promise I might actually start a relationship with you.]
“You’re not Dominant Enough” [Translation: You’re no fun. You won’t maim me permanently and it’s always been my biggest fantasy.]
. “I’m service-oriented.” [Translation: I hope the dumb shit falls for this so i can clean their place and snoop through things.]
“I’m under consideration.” [Translation: I’m chasing someone.]
“I’ve been released.” [Translation: I’ve been dumped.]
“I am a true dom/sub.” [Translation: You’re a phony if you aren’t just like me.]
“I am a bratty sub.” [Translation: I am a pain in the arse.]
“I will bend you to my will.” [Translation: I am insane.]
“I am a submissive with slave tendencies.” [Translation: Pick me because I’m pretending to be subbier (or better) than a regular submissive.]
“I am seeking my One.” [Translation: Someone out there must have dysfunctions which are compatible with mine.]
“I’m trained.” [Translation: I will drive you nuts doing exactly what my last master wanted.]
“I am a 24/7 slave, online only.” [Translation: I am a bored housewife or married man.]
“I’m strict but fair.” [Translation: I’m always right, you’re always wrong, and I’ll beat you whenever you’re right and I don’t want to admit it.]
“I am a trainer of sluts.” [Translation: I’m looking for girls who will believe they are being “trained” when I order them to give me a blow job.]
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
“Looking for a sub/slave/girl to join us.” [Translation (when posted by a sub/slave/girl): I am much too lazy to clean the house and I need a work horse. Translation (when posted by the dominant): I need a backup fuck for when she’s mad at me. Bonus points if you’ll take my side in the argument.”

Is submission a gift? We think so.

Body Language (Photo credit: gainesp2003)

For curvy_bottom and myself, submission is definitely a gift. The entire relationship depends on it.

After nearly two years of getting to know each other she did put flowers in her hair, kneel and tell me her submission was mine. But, it did take that long to establish that trust. And, in the three years since, that trust has increased and, willingly, she’s given me more.

There are things I wish I could do to her and I can’t – because she has not gifted them to me. These things are few and far between – but they exist. So, how can her submission be mine?

The best she can be – for me

It’s this. We are creating a life for ourselves where she strives to be the best she can be for me: Her submission, she says, is her best sense of self expression.

Hang on – let me correct that: Our best sense of self-expression.

I express myself by using her gift of submission to bring the constantly new, constantly changing “my girl” into being. We create delight in each other.

We have both had BDSM relationships before. But before, her submission has been optional – hers to give and take back as she chose. We did not want that.

Thats is why – for us – it is vital that submission is her gift:

A gift is something given without expectation of reward. A gift is never taken back. A gift is given for the joy of it.

I ask for nothing. I take nothing not freely given. I cherish the gifts I am given – and use them as I see fit.

This I do for her.

She keeps only that with which she cannot yet trust me. I strive to be worthy of her next gift, because each one is harder. I desire to use what she has given wisely. Nothing can be given that can be used without responsibility.

We do these things to exalt each other.

Dominance – a gift?

My domination of her is not a gift. Or, no more a gift than the air we breathe. My domination is the tool we use to shape the gifts she gives. It is the storehouse for those gifts. It is the stone on which those gifts are sharpened. But it isn’t a gift: It is a given. It is absolute, with nothing of choice about it.

The only gift is her submission – anything given simply becomes part of the fabric of our life together – and my choice to use. Together we are building a gilded cage she is thrilled to inhabit.

It isn’t pure, of course, Thankfully it is tarnished by love.

Marcus Aurelius and a basis for dominant and submissive living

My first (pre – curvy_bottom) D/s (maybe M/s) relationship ended more than twenty years ago, and happened many years PI (pre-internet), so it thrived despite almost no external support.We were both undoubtedly kinky people but the lifestyle side of was definitely the most important part. In constructing the regime by which we lived I found huge help in the musings of a Roman Emperor and Stoic – Marcus Aurelius.

Below, I’ve put some of his thoughts accompanied by my take on them. I do this because they really worked for us and to encourage debate about the development of dominant and submissive natures in D/s, M/s and O&P relationships, and in creating the framework that controls interactions between partners in these types of relationships. Please, all, do add your thoughts to this:

Marcus Aurelius: “If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment”.

For the submissive there’s obvious meaning; you can learn to take what’s dished out. But, at a more pervasive level, this is a reminder to both partners that they can control their feelings toward others attitudes and react logically and calmly. This is especially important for the dominant.

Marcus Aurelius: “Look well into thyself; there is a source of strength which will always spring up if thou wilt always look there”.

The strength of a power exchange relationship comes from the inner strength of both parties. Selfish encouragement of your own specific nature is a human trait that can flourish in D/s – each partner’s interests are opposite to the other’s and few compromises need be made.

Marcus Aurelius: “Whatever is in any way beautiful hath its source of beauty in itself, and is complete in itself; praise forms no part of it. So it is none the worse nor the better for being praised”.

So much of a power exchange relationship is about duty – you need to feel good about it yourself and not expect reward or praise. Understand the intrinsic beauty of what you do for another.

Marcus Aurelius: “By a tranquil mind I mean nothing else than a mind well ordered”.

For both dominant and submissive knowing exactly where you stand and precisely what your duties and responsibilities are frees you both to be creative, mischievous and fun. Like a train – staying on the railway track keeps the passengers safe to do whatever they want on the journey. It’s not for nothing we say relationships and people go “off the rails”.

Marcus Aurelius “Nothing happens to any thing which that thing is not made by nature to bear”.

A useful maxim when limits are tested. This is not carte blanche for doms. Rather, for the submissive the question should be: does my nature truly preclude me from complying with this new requirement? For the dominant it is “Is it in her nature? Will I harm her by insisting?”

Marcus Aurelius: “Never esteem anything as of advantage to you that will make you break your word or lose your self-respect”.

For both dominant and submissive this is an injunction to transparency and truth and a warning not to play mind game to get what you want. A useful reminder for those who top from the bottom. And for dominants? Well, I love mind games, but, you can easily trap yourself into using, tricks, falsehoods, aggression, etc in ways that should be shaming.

Marcus Aurelius: “How much time he gains who does not look to see what his neighbour says or does or thinks, but only at what he does himself, to make it just and holy”. Also, “The object in life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane”.

I don’t think a D/s or similar relationship can exist completely independently of the wider world: It will have public dimensions. Yes one must not frighten the horses, scare the children nor lose uncomprehending vanilla friends but, you must have the strength to make sure the true nature of your relationship is not compromised when out in the world. At the same time, whilst not acquiescing to the views of ‘the majority” don’t flaunt yourself to the point of being unacceptable in polite society.

Marcus Aurelius: “Remember this-that there is a proper dignity and proportion to be observed in the performance of every act of life”. And, “You will find rest from vain fancies if you perform every act in life as though it were your last”.

For both dominants and submissives this is nothing less than Baden-Powell’s maxim: “do your best”. But it also in finding satisfaction in yourself from doing everything well. It implies zero tolerance of sloppy pursuit of goals.

Marcus Aurelius: “How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it”.

Anger is always inappropriate in a TPE relationship. It is also always inevitable. D/s couples can formalise responsibilities for decision-making and dispute resolution. We should use the rules we make and never respond til anger has left us. Passion – now that’s a different thing.

Marcus Aurelius “A man does not sin by commission only, but often by omission”.

It’s alright having rules and rituals, but what about the spaces between them – a relationship can be ruined by failure to see a need and meet it.

Does Wisdom Bring Happiness (or Vice Versa)? (theatlantic.com)
Heroic Hunks in History: Marcus Aurelius (southernsizzleromance.wordpress.com)
More Marcus (agrades.wordpress.com)

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Safewords – and numbers of play partners

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