The sadness of sexual swear words.

aveburysarsenTNI’m no prude. I love to fuck her cunt, bugger her up the shitter (hmm, where else can one do this) and to be her wanker and her wankee. I love her tits too.

No, what upsets me is the way most people use these lovely, earthy words.

It seems to me repressed, prudish and sad that most only or mostly use these words to express disgust, revulsion or disrespect.

The wanker gesture - fingers and thumb in circ...

Aren’t these lovely words better used to mean what they mean?

Isn’t it sad that people mean nothing good when they tell someone to “fuck off you wanker”? Why are cunts usually useless?

I’ve come to the conclusion it must mean most people think sex is something to be ashamed of, rather than something to celebrate.

Originally posted on fetbook – September 13 2013

Slut!

aveburysarsenTNI’m here to proclaim I’m a reclaimer. To be a slut is not always a bad thing.

The word is almost always used about women and almost always derogatively.

But google “I’m a slut for” and you get 308,000 results, many porn related but many just expressing an exuberant, uncontrolled enthusiasm for something non sexual and not related to untidiness or slatternly behaviour. And many are by men.

I’m glad it’s used this way – but I’m also glad to see it used freely and positively in a sexual sense (and that is what this post is about).

My girl sometimes describes herself as “my slut”: She means there are things she’ll do for me she won’t do anywhere else – and with a wanton enthusiasm that comes from wanting to do something for me. This sluttishness, when it happens, feels very special. It’s just for us.

Away from my relationship I don’t think I’d ever (without permission) call a person, especially a woman, a slut. It would be offensive. Current Wiki and dictionary definitions show this (below).

But I glory in people (and they are usually women) who proclaim themselves a slut. For anything – but especially for sexually related stuff. My experience of the proud slut is that she is independent, confident, glories in her sexuality and indulges her appetites guiltlessly.

The Ethical Slut

What is wrong with “The Ethical Slut” proposition that a slut is:

a person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you

Sluttishness seems an innocent thing to me.

If there is one downside it is that the proud female slut is often only behaving in a way that would be thought normal in a man. So, it is sexist.

But it’s also joyful and unconfined and is used as self description by women who don’t accept that being female forces any sort of lifestyle choice on them.

Long live the slut.

Slut – definitions

Differing dynamics: S/m, M/s and D/s

BelasariusThe data below comes from the BDSM Safewords survey but isn’t about safewords – instead it looks at the shape of dynamics of people in different types of BDSM relationships – Sadists/masochists (S/m), Masters( mistresses/slaves (M/s) and Dominants/submissives (D/s).

I asked people about their attitudes to various things BDSM people like to do. The chart below shows broad differences in approach to BDSM people in each of the above groups. What I did was take the score for “essential to me” (see Background, below) and subtract from it the score for “I don’t do this”.

Here is how the top nine areas of interest/interaction differed for each group;

Dominant/ submissive Master/ Slave Sadist/ Masochist
1 Control Control Pain
2 Sex Sex Bondage
3 Bondage Service Sex
4 Exhibitionism Ritual Control
5 Ritual Pain Fetish
6 Service Bondage Exhibitionism
7 Pain Fetish Humiliation
8 Fetish Humiliation Service
9 Humiliation Exhibitionism Ritual

I’ve colour coded the responses. Red represents what I consider the more “physical” aspects of BDSM and blue the more “mental” aspects: I recognise that, like almost everything we do, this is open to wide interpretation – it’s just to try to show some “at a glance” differences more easily. I coloured sex green because I think it’s a sort of relationship fundamental that doesn’t fit easily into either group.

What’s clear is probably not rocket science: The S/m people who responded are more into physical aspects of BDSM than other groups, whilst M/s people prefer “blue” choices and D/s people fall somewhere between.

The chart below looks at this data again, this time ranking it from the most popular to the least popular choices made by D/s people (the biggest group).

D:s, M:s and S:m - how dynamics differ

This chart bases the rankings on the scores for people in each group who said each area was essential to them and then subtracts the scores for those who said they  didn’t do it. So we can see that, for example, not only do service and ritual come well down on sadists/masochists lists of priorities, but they actively dislike them. Control is important for both M/s and D/s people but is, by a long chalk the key characteristic (with service No. 2 – but a fair way back) for M/s people.

Background

The 532 people who responded included 98 S/m people , 89 M/s people and 345 D/s people.

The question asked them to look at each of these things:

  • Pain
  • Bondage
  • Humiliation
  • Exhibitionism
  • Fetish
  • Sex
  • Ritual
  • Service
  • Control

And then asked them to rank each of these as follows:

  • Essential to me
  • Important to me
  • Neither important or unimportant
  • I dislike this
  • I don’t do this

To make the data in this article as stark as possible I only used the “Essential to me” and “I don’t do this” scores.

Results from BDSM styles and relationships survey.

The following, from a post on Informed Consent relating to my BDSM styles and relationships survey, relates to the above. At the time,  331 people had taken part. This is some of what the  104 people who identified as either sadist/masochist or master/slave said about their BDSM styles and relationships.

There’s an interesting demographic difference ( bear in mind these are small samples): 49% of S/m types are in full time work compared with 60% of M/s types. 33% of S/m people are not in work or full time education, whilst this is true of 18% of M/s people.

When it comes to sexuality, 61% of S/mers identified as heterosexual. 73% of M/s people did.

38% of S/m people said they switch. 7% of M/sers do.

Now, Sex. 36% of S/mers said this was essential to them. 64% of M/sers agree.

Next, Pain: 55% of S/mers say it is essential. 23% of M/sers agree. 33% of M/sers say pain is neither important or unimportant.

54% of M/s types say their BDSM relationship is their only one. 33% of S/mers say this. 33% of S/mers are not in a relationship compared with 16% of M/s respondents.

What do sadists really like (and submissives, and slaves, etc).

BelasariusBack in June 2012 I ran a survey on BDSM styles and relationships (or “BDSM – How Do You Like Yours”) which looked at some of the basic components of BDSM interactions.

This article looks at the question “How do various BDSM components fit into your life”. It shows, probably unsurprisingly, that respondents that characterised themselves as sadists/masochists (S/m)ranked things quite differently from dominants/submissives (D/s) and masters (mistresses)/slaves (M/s)

S/m people said pain was better than sex. For M/s respondents control, service and ritual came before a roll in the hay. D/s people put sex first, but only a tiny, tiny bit ahead of control.

More details are found in the charts below – where the top three interactions  for each group appear in darker colours and the bottom two in lighter shades.

Background

Respondents were asked to score each area 1- 5 in a range of responses that were:

  1. I don’t do this
  2. I dislike this
  3. This is neither important nor unimportant
  4. This is important to me
  5. This is essential to me

The ten areas of interaction were:

  • Pain
  • Bondage
  • Fetish dressing
  • Humiliation
  • Exhibitionism
  • Sex
  • Safewords
  • Service
  • Ritual
  • Control

429 people answered the question: 94 said they were sadists/masochists, 277 said they were dominants/submissives and 58 said they were masters/slaves. 31 people skipped the question.

Sadists & Masochists

S&M interactions

Those who responded saying they were sadists and masochists put pain  a long way ahead of everything else as the thing that was most important to them. Bondage just edged sex into third place. Control, in fourth, was fairly important too. Service and ritual came ninth and tenth.

Masters (mistresses) and slaves.

M & s interactions

Control is the biggest thing for respondents in this group, with service coming second and ritual and sex a short way behind, in joint third. The least important factors are fetish dressing and safewords, which trails a long way behind the other factors. Bondage was a little more important than pain to M/s people.

Dominants and submissives

D&S interactions

Dominants and submissives were the only group who put sex at the top of their list. And then, it is only a teensy way in front of control, with bondage a little way behind. Pain comes fourth. The two areas that least interest the D/s people who took part are humiliation and, last of all, exhibitionism.

 

Being a sex object

He says this is the case.

acc2_be22It has many negative connotations for women of my generation, of course… but it doesn’t feel quite the same when he explains. Perhaps it is because it is not a matter of being “only” a sex object. It is about being his, about being wanted, available, and loved.

The availability issue is interesting too – it isn’t about non-consent or feeling abused, or “taken”, more to do with feeling wanted and welcoming, It feels special for us that he is

Modelo: Edimar Rodriguez Iluminación: Ernesto ...
Modelo: Edimar Rodriguez Iluminación: Ernesto Gómez Fotografía: Gabriel Delgado (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

never made to feel that he needs to seek permission each time, that he has no need to resort to ‘DIY’ and that he finds me ready and willing.

How much this reflects our D/s dynamic and how much it arises from our caring about one another is not altogether clear. As so often is the way, it may be a mixture of both.

Originally posted to Informed Consent, February 2010

Naughty but nice.

English: Erotic scene. Rim of an Attic red-fig...
English: Erotic scene. Rim of an Attic red-figure kylix, c. 510 BC. Français : Scène érotique. Bord d’un kylix attique à figures rouges, vers 510 av. J.-C. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Or, why I like anal sex First and foremost, if I am honest, is the sensation. I can be greedy, of course, and feelings of deep satisfaction (for him as well as me, I hope) are very much desirable.

At the start, the over-riding feeling if a certain fullness – one good reason to be as “empty” as possible from the beginning – and warmth: not the same heat as my lotus, and not as damp, either – but definitely balmy.

But I rush on – so much of the pleasure is before he has even started. From the moment his mouth curves into that special, thoughtful smile, I know what he is going to say. “I’m going to bugger you”. I just want to melt into a little puddle. Or a big one.

Then the lube, carefully warmed on my finger-tips, and generously applied to both tip and shaft. The pleasure of touching him, stroking him, encouraging him – the opportunity for such a personal closeness.

I am just glowing. He will often roger me first, which is wonderful in its own way, and very special. But I know he is almost teasing till the right moment comes, when he says, simply, “turn over”. Then it’s a matter of kneeling, lowering my hips and waiting – sometimes for gentle probing with fingers before the pressure against the sphincter as his cock demands entry, others for an immediate total insertion which feels as if I’ll be torn open but which also makes me feel more submissive than almost anything else. You know, of course, that there are many extra nerve ending there – so anal coitus can be even better than vaginal. And there is the added fillip of being on my knees – though I miss seeing his face! We are experimenting with ways of dealing with this… Then of course there is the “naughty” aspect – by which I mean the taboo of using the dirt road. Perhaps this is the result of a Welsh Baptist upbringing – but it becomes irrelevant in the face of his pleasure. And mine. Did I mention I was greedy?

So – there you have it: anal sex. I’m on my knees, it’s naughty, it makes my bits sore, it’s all about his pleasure. What’s not to like?

Kneeling and waiting for him to decide the how and where of penetration is a challenge, even though I have already consented to “anywhere”. Even when he has announced his intention to bugger me, it is always in his power to change his mind and decide instead to use my mouth or lotus.

Of course, he could decide not to touch me at all. I am learning on a basic level simply to accept: my desires and preferences are irrelevant, unimportant until he decides otherwise.

In terms of my submission, there is another element – and this is linked to pleasing him. I shiver to hear “good girl” at any time, but now there is an absolute fountain of joyous bubbles rising inside me as i hear him say “clever bottom”. For me, it is not enough to give him access and measure my submission by my own standards of generosity. For it to ‘work’, it has to be as complete as possible (or as complete as it can be in our circumstances) and as perfect as we can make it. So I practice – pelvic floor exercises and clenches, not just for the vaginal muscles but also for the rear. When he is taking my bottom, I will try to massage him with gentle muscle squeezes. In a way, this distracts from my pleasure and once again makes it all about his, which is the way we like it.