By Belasarius and curvy bottom, a British BDSM couple
Author: Belasarius
I possess the submission of curvy_bottom, we have a medium protocol, D/s relationship - based on the feeling that we are equa and opposite and that we love each other.
How do I like my women? If not on the edge of a nervous breakdown, then certainly on the edge of their comfort zone.
If she’s a slut, then i want her to dress and act the lady as much as won’t actually drive her out of her mind.
If she’s little miss demure, then I’ll make her as slutty as I can, without actually making her die of humiliation.
And I’ll make it an evolutionary rather than revolutionary process.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
(y’know – the boiling frog thing: Place frog in pan. Swims comfortably. Turn heat on, gently, under pan. Frog lazes in gentle heat, until it’s too late! Frog never noticed just how hot things were getting. That’s the theory anyhow).
But, it is after all all about me, isn’t it? I’m the Dom and it’s what I want that counts?
Well – no not really: It is always about the couple and the dynamic and what we want being what counts. And, I like to be with someone who tingles every moment of the day because she is being pushed in the direction of being someone she would never choose to be on her own account but who she is happy to be to please someone who finds her special.
I’m no prude. I love to fuck her cunt, bugger her up the shitter (hmm, where else can one do this) and to be her wanker and her wankee. I love her tits too.
No, what upsets me is the way most people use these lovely, earthy words.
It seems to me repressed, prudish and sad that most only or mostly use these words to express disgust, revulsion or disrespect.
Aren’t these lovely words better used to mean what they mean?
Isn’t it sad that people mean nothing good when they tell someone to “fuck off you wanker”? Why are cunts usually useless?
I’ve come to the conclusion it must mean most people think sex is something to be ashamed of, rather than something to celebrate.
I’m here to proclaim I’m a reclaimer. To be a slut is not always a bad thing.
The word is almost always used about women and almost always derogatively.
But google “I’m a slut for” and you get 308,000 results, many porn related but many just expressing an exuberant, uncontrolled enthusiasm for something non sexual and not related to untidiness or slatternly behaviour. And many are by men.
I’m glad it’s used this way – but I’m also glad to see it used freely and positively in a sexual sense (and that is what this post is about).
My girl sometimes describes herself as “my slut”: She means there are things she’ll do for me she won’t do anywhere else – and with a wanton enthusiasm that comes from wanting to do something for me. This sluttishness, when it happens, feels very special. It’s just for us.
Away from my relationship I don’t think I’d ever (without permission) call a person, especially a woman, a slut. It would be offensive. Current Wiki and dictionary definitions show this (below).
But I glory in people (and they are usually women) who proclaim themselves a slut. For anything – but especially for sexually related stuff. My experience of the proud slut is that she is independent, confident, glories in her sexuality and indulges her appetites guiltlessly.
What is wrong with “The Ethical Slut” proposition that a slut is:
a person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you
Sluttishness seems an innocent thing to me.
If there is one downside it is that the proud female slut is often only behaving in a way that would be thought normal in a man. So, it is sexist.
But it’s also joyful and unconfined and is used as self description by women who don’t accept that being female forces any sort of lifestyle choice on them.
This is the first article on this blog that I’ve written on the BDSM and education survey I did in June 2012 and wrote about on the old UK BDSM website “Informed Consent“. The background to this survey is here and the dataset is here.
It was a short survey, just asking about people’s BDSM orientation and their final level of education. 504 people answered it – but they were all recruited from a couple of BDSM websites and no attempt was made to collect a sample that could be seen as representative. it is a self-selecting poll: People that were interested in it responded, others didn’t. However, with the proviso’s noted in the background article (linked above) the educational levels stated by respondents to this survey were broadly similar to those stated in other surveys I have done (I will do a proper piece on that at a later date).
The table below states what people taking the survey said was their last level of education:
People who followed the original debate on “Informed Consent” will know that various research studies were cited that purported to show that the BDSM population contained a higher proportion of more intelligent or more well-educated people than the population as a whole. The debate was hot and the studies mentioned were much criticised. This survey also can’t be said to have met any of the necessary conditions for accuracy. But it does show the same sort of result as those other studies:
It isn’t do-able, accurately, because the census uses different classifications (as will be clear if you follow the link above). However, I’ve tried to combine categories so it has some meaning.
All you can say is that BDSM people who answered this survey said they had quite a different educational profile than the population as a whole.
I noticed something in the figures for the BDSM styles and relationships survey which went against my experience, so I thought I’d share: It’s just a bit of fun really…
Fetish dressing. Whaddya know. Men appear keener than women.
In the survey:
21% of women, 12% of men and 17% of Tg folk said they disliked or didn’t do Fetish dressing.
45% of women, 44% of men and 17% of TG people said they could take it or leave it.
33% of women, 45% of men and 67% of Tg people said it was important or essential to them.
When you look at the keenest group, 6% of women, 16% of men and 50% of Tg
RUBBER PROTECTOR (Photo credit: post apocalyptic design)
people said it was essential.
One lives and learns: Maybe I should have asked whether the dressed party was themselves or their partner. Perhaps I will.
If you publish anything about this data then please credit me as the source and link to the homepage of this blog – belasarius.com. If you want to publish it with this image – that’s fine too.
That you under no circumstances claim any scientific, academic or statistical credibility for the data. Please make it clear that the responses are a self-selecting sample of 557 respondents recruited through the websites Informed Consent, fetbook, fetlife and through this blog, gathered between 19 January 2013 and 3 February 2013: The data is simply what more than 500 people active on BDSM websites said about their views on safewords.
Dataset
The dataset is completely anonymised but otherwise complete. There were peculiarities with some of the data, so in the dataset I used (not the dataset that is downloadable here) I removed 24 records, leaving me with 533 to analyse.
I eliminated those records where the respondent only answered the demographic questions.
I took out multiple responses from the same TCP/IP address (It seemed fairer to take out ALL responses from the same address rather than leave the first one in).
I also did not use stranger responses, such as the person whose sexuality was “Cod”, the people who had 557,774,456, 100,000 and 9,800 play partners in the last 12 months and, among a few others, the retired 18-20 year old and the 18-20 year old who had left full-time education at 16 and had a doctorate.
Someone asked if saying no undermines someone’s submission.
In my view it doesn’t.
My girl knows she has the absolute right to say no to anything I want from her.
She uses that right (dammit).
But, if we try something, develop it – and she finds it breaks no concrete limit, then it becomes part of who we are.
At that time, she can say “No” as often as she wants and know that I can and will ignore it and take what I wish – because i have her informed consent to it. She has lost the right to say “NO!”.
Her submission is her property, until she gives it to me. Then each thing she gives becomes part of our dynamic and is there for me to use.
It helps me see her submission as real – because she volunteers her general consent and there is no case-by-case opportunity for her to say “not tonight darling”. Were there an option to say no to something already agreed I would feel she could deny her submission and that would make our dynamic feel less real (to me).
But, if in the throes of play or passion she does say “no” then I stop and find out out why: because no means no: if she needs to say it, I have failed.
I love to make her come. It’s one of my greatest pleasures: But last night it occurred to me that it is really like my other great pleasure: making her cry (not through mental anguish, shame or hurt, but just through physical unpleasantness, with maybe a little added fear and trepidation).
I lay her beside me and put an arm under her neck and then begin to play her with my other hand, waiting for her lips to redden, her legs to stretch and her clitty to unhood itself and decide whether it will be a raisin, a peanut or a grain of rice. I take rosin from inside her or wet her from her own lips. This is the way it happens most of the time. I play the instrument (her), the same way, but rarely do I play the same tune.
I feel utterly selfish about this – just as I do when I hurt her. I can choose if she comes or not. I can take her orgasm as soon as she’s ready – or I can keep her hanging on…
… She knows it’s for me. She knows it’s her gift to me and that she only ever comes, with me, when I want it and, if it happens in her other place, that she will pay.
At the moment the little death strikes she knows she is mine and that I have done this. We both feel a surge of elation. And, I feel power. I did this. She will not get it without me. Her release is in my hand. She feels possessed by me. Only through me can she experience this.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
And, I feel almost exactly the same as when I flog her, cut her, pierce her, wax her, spank her, choke her and I see her finally leave me for her own special place or, not reaching that, dissolve into tears. I do this. She has given me the power to do this. She does this only because it pleases me.
“Perfection: a dangerous subject: first because it doesn’t exist and secondly, because writing about it might make some think that one won’t settle for anything other. Finally, because a post like this (seriously but lightheartedly meant) is likely to attract comments that range from the witty to the sarcastic.
Still, my shoulders are broad.
I am risking the post, however, because I think a person’s vision of perfection at least gives other people an idea of how the author’s mind works – and that may be useful.
So, here’s my vision of subly perfection – I’ve thought about it and I suspect I’m about to expose myself as the stereotypical male Dom. Here goes:
She’s proud of herself and likes to make me proud of her too – she strives to excel in all aspects of her life and service.
She knows her limits but wants to be eased (sometimes cajoled) beyond them
She desires her limits and wants rules and rituals to reinforce them
She expects respect – and shows respect
She sees her submission as part of all of her life and not just a sub set of it
She gains my attention through her behaviour – but never asks for my attention
She revels in praise, but accepts that punishment is a vital part of dispute resolution
She wants me to want to show her off – and her dress, grooming, deportment and behaviour reflect this at all times
She expects to be protected and adored and is not afraid to expose her vulnerabilities (to me) to achieve this
She expects to support and nourish me – and thus I am unafraid to expose my vulnerabilities, when I feel them
She appreciates formality and can associate it with intimacy, not aloofness
She has strongly held views and expects to express them, in a respectful context.
(and, as suggested by Bearoftwo: “the maturity to accept there will be differences and the attitude and desire to overcome them”)
How do I like my women? If not on the edge of a nervous breakdown, then certainly on the edge of their comfort zone.
A dominant and submissive life 