Someone asked if saying no undermines someone’s submission.
In my view it doesn’t.
My girl knows she has the absolute right to say no to anything I want from her.
She uses that right (dammit).
But, if we try something, develop it – and she finds it breaks no concrete limit, then it becomes part of who we are.
At that time, she can say “No” as often as she wants and know that I can and will ignore it and take what I wish – because i have her informed consent to it. She has lost the right to say “NO!”.
Her submission is her property, until she gives it to me. Then each thing she gives becomes part of our dynamic and is there for me to use.
It helps me see her submission as real – because she volunteers her general consent and there is no case-by-case opportunity for her to say “not tonight darling”. Were there an option to say no to something already agreed I would feel she could deny her submission and that would make our dynamic feel less real (to me).
But, if in the throes of play or passion she does say “no” then I stop and find out out why: because no means no: if she needs to say it, I have failed.