Losing the personal pronoun

aveburysarsenTNBoth of the people I have a dynamic with (my partner, curvy_bottom and our toy) have consented not to use their personal pronouns within our dynamic.

This means in interactions with me, each other and with anyone in a public D/s context.

It does not mean altering their language at work, out and about, or with friends (even kinky friends) in a non D/s context.

Posting on BDSM websites is, as far as I’m concerned, a proper context for this discipline.

My partner has done this since 2008 (with many lapses 🙂 ). Why? This is how I put it at the time:

“Despite my protestations otherwise you are not a bear of little brain. And I see no reason why I should not engage that enormous organ in the service of our dynamic.

Set aside for a moment your humanity, empathy, imagination, tenderness, thoughtfulness and all the other qualities that make me love you and ask why I should not challenge your intelligence?

Of course I should. And this does – doing without ‘I’ and ‘me’ is tricky I admit, but I can’t go much further, can I, in focussing you on me, even in my absence, than by asking you to moderate your language.

Now tell me that you won’t enjoy the challenge.”

I don’t (and won’t) punish either for failing in this. I do (and will) punish them for failing to try. There are exceptions too. Deep, important (or passionate ) conversations are difficult if you are parsing you language into an unnatural form – so it gets suspended then.

Over the years c_b and I have found this challenging discipline really useful. It’s much less about language and much more about creating a focus in conversation that we both find helpful.

Sometimes the language feels natural, but we both know it masks something. She doesn’t say “I’m gasping for a cuppa” – she does say “would you like tea?”. In fact, this is one of its biggest impacts – it converts statements and demands to questions and requests. This suits us.

Sometimes it becomes more inclusive. People in couples/families often say “We think”. She may do it more often (as long as she knows it’s true that it is a shared view).

It creates endearments that, to us, seem special: “I Love you” isn’t said. “You are loved” is. Often.

Sometimes, it’s just damned awkward. Whilst frustrating this is usually just amusing.

This is very new to the toy, of course. And potentially difficult for her. She doesn’t think much before she speaks (she doesn’t usually need to – what she says is what she feels and believes) and changing the structure of what she says is frustrating for her. I’m hoping practice will help.

The aim of this with the toy is not the same. In this case, losing the personal pronoun is much more about helping with her deep desire to have a part of her life that is dedicated to being an object cherished for its usefulness, well maintained at all times (which means having prime regard for her welfare) and used to further my dynamic with my partner (which can only happen because the toy gets profound satisfaction from service as a discrete part of all of her life). In this case, losing the pp is all about making her feel different and changed.

That sweet little shaving brush

0004f9ec-a95d-9925-3787-f2bd8beaf1fe_110Totallycoverme writes: So I find myself kneeling in the bath on all fours. Nobody specifically told me to get in this position and how I got there is another story. I’m in a state of desperate need for multiple reasons and my head is all over the place. If you’re reading this, I’ve let you in bang in the middle of something basically and what it boils down to is that I was in this bath with my mind all over the place for reasons that had nothing to do with any planned head shaving.

Spontaneously, Sir holds a small shaving brush in front of me. This holds massive and clearShaving-Brush significance because I have already consented to having my head shaved. I didn’t expect much else to happen because I’ve been told a little bit about how my full head shave might happen so when I saw the little shaving brush in front of me I thought it was just part of this cute headfuck (which very much seemed to be happening anyway).

The shaving product feels like it must have foamed up and I don’t think I’d be wrong in saying that it felt so cooling and tingly that I think it was menthol. It wasn’t long after getting used to that feeling that I felt the scraping of a carefully applied razor going over my neck. I may or may not have gone into a subtle type of shock at that point because I didn’t feel any fear or sadness. I’m confused to say that I maybe even enjoyed the physical sensations of having it done what with it being the neck and all (although I can’t be sure because maybe I was relieved to have a distraction from another bath related challenge that was going on!).

One thing that did amaze me is that I felt so consenting and ready for this that I would have happily stayed put and stayed quiet had the shaving happened a bit more then a bit more, maybe even up until it looked like one of them bowl cuts what ye old monks have! Like it felt completely right and completely ok. It didn’t feel distressing or upsetting. It actually felt calming and soothing and safe. Again, I’m not sure if that was in its own right or as a distraction from other things but whatever it was it felt so much better than I could have imagined even though there were feelings of shock (probably why I kept so still) and being humbled in there. Dare I say it I might have even felt a bit proud!

I wish I took a photo of the sweet little bit of hair that was removed. I’ve got my head down whilst kneeling on all fours because I’m already feeling a whole barrage of subjugated emotions by this point anyway and then unexpectedly I feel the shaving brush delicately making gentle little circular motions around the lowest point of my hairline on my neck!

I had no idea what was happening or what to expect until I heard he and she talking about which razor to use. I’m still trying to piece together which emotions happened at which time throughout this to be honest.

I can’t guarantee that I will feel exactly the same when it comes to my full head shave but I do feel a sense of having had a sweet little taster and it’s opened my mind to the idea that it might not be all about feeling humiliated, degraded and shamed (that’s not why he wants to do it anyway, that’s more of a me thing!) and that there is a likelihood of some amazing positive feelings occurring too. The mind blowing thing is that now I have experienced an introductory little shave on my hairline, I’m getting some positive and even enthusiastic feelings (amongst the nerves and fears) about getting my head shaved and the reason this is mind blowing is that I consider it to be genuine conditioning as I come more and more round to the idea (as my previous blogs on this subject will confirm!).

Like I’ve gone from feeling that a head shave is about being humbled and shamed to realising that actually, amongst all that stuff, there is potential for feelings of pride and reassurance and maybe even tranquillity to be embraced too.

Frankly if this isn’t what being a conditioned slave is then I don’t know what it. Sometimes I have to tell myself I’m one mad bird and is it really me writing this. Hey ho.

Afterwards when I asked what it looked like Sir began telling me not to worry it wasn’t much etc etc and I found myself saying that he didn’t need to explain that to me (I felt a bit bossy then! Sowwy!!).

I guess I wanted to make it clear that I truly and genuinely consent in that even if I’d left looking wonky or with a rude word shaved in, my submission would have remained and still in the best frame of mind ever. I say this because I believe the nature of my consent is true enough that it wouldn’t have been up to me if Sir wanted to do a bit more than a nice little tidy up of my whispy bits of hair at the base of my scalp. This is so real! Wow! I feel genuinely ready for this now and more positive and powerful about it than ever. I’m either living the dream or I’m a few chairs short of a barbershop! Frankly I’m fascinated and obsessed and excited about what this is doing to my mind. Happy days!

They’re NOT my orgasms

0004f9ec-a95d-9925-3787-f2bd8beaf1fe_110By totallycoverme

The best thing about my orgasms with my master Dragonfyre42 is that they happen when we make love – I orgasm from giving him pleasure. Sometimes the most important thing I can do is put my efforts and energy into blowing his mind and I come because of that. As a result of this, I am a free range slave when it comes to choosing how and when to rub one out for my own pleasure. Or at least I was.

I was first instructed by Belasarius to rub myself off after I did a first blog announcing that I wanted to serve him and curvy_bottom as a toy. The instruction was unexpected but I think that’s why it made me want to do it all the more so.

I do so love to be made so speechless by an instruction that I find myself able to follow it so automatically and slavishly.

Since then I have been given times and ways in which to wank and orgasm/come on a day-to-day basis. If I fail to do this I get punished (I am sorry to say that this has happened twice already due to failings on my part).

I have gone from being free range with my wanking (doing it as little or often and any way I like) to it being a daily task to rub and come within two minutes, twice a day. This instruction has since been made more detailed: I do one stood up and one after practising nadu, transitioning to sula-ki followed by sula. The purpose of this is to train me to orgasm in a range of positions within a reliable time frame. I need to remember that the orgasms are not happening for my pleasure: There may be days when I want less and there may be days that I want more and in different ways but it is not up to me. This is about giving control of my orgasms to Belasarius within the framework that Dragonfyre42 provides.

They are not my orgasms. I have to aim for them whether I have a massive horn or whether it’s about ensuring to fulfil my daily task. On days where I would have been happy to not wank I need to remember that this task is in place in order to offer my submission as part of a long-term orgasm control goal that is being worked towards.

I used to orgasm with master Dragonfyre42 when making love and then do as I pleased. Now I orgasm with master Dragonfyre42 when making love and then give what would have been my free range outside of that to Belasarius in my service to him.

I don’t know if I’ve written this blog well as I am shy. It may well read as too much information but Belasarius has asked me to do this because it is about documenting a process that will hopefully hold a defined relevance within the bigger picture of the training to be of effective service that I am kindly being given.

More blogs about totallycoverme’s journey

Adding a third – the dominant’s perspective.

aveburysarsenTNI’ve long fantasised about having a series of uninvolved “thirds” to add a new dimension to our play. I always assumed it would be a one-off – maybe a few one-offs if we were lucky. We’ve been fortunate enough, in the past, to have this with people we like, and it’s been good (c_b likes me to have “holiday cover” and tries to arrange it). I hadn’t considered that it would be likely that we would establish a new long-term dynamic involving a third person, but that is what is happening.

As it emerged that this was likely I was beset with excitement, a deep desire to give it a go and… Worries.

Firstly, curvy_bottom and I both knew the couple concerned (totallycoverme and Dragonfyre42) relatively well and liked them a lot. I didn’t want to disrupt that.

Big stuff

Both the couples involved have a big love thing going on. I needed to understand not just the impact on my relationship this might have but also the ethical/moral issues arising from the possible changes this would create in the other couple’s relationship. I didn’t feel I could encourage this to develop unless I was as sure as I could be that it would strengthen things for all and not weaken or disrupt them.

I am also an exhibitionist and I thought blogging on this from the beginning would be fascinating for me, the others involved and a bit of an audience (it has – views on my blog have tripled). I knew this might not work either at the beginning or in the early stages and I did not want to raise participants’ expectations. It still could fail, I guess. I’m exposing myself and don’t want to look too much of a prat!

Small stuff

There were other, less important issues too:

  • The girls involved fancy each other like crazy – how would I feel about that?
  • The third person wants to be objectified and used. Tricky, because she is difficult to see other than as a whizzingly energetic, positive enthusiast for life. I need to keep some distance.
  • Part of the reason for this is to give me an outlet for a degree of sadism I wont offer to curvy_bottom (the love thing gets in the way). But she likes the person too and is always caring to my victims – on a continuing basis (and not a one-off) would this work?
  • I wanted to create a sex toy for curvy_bottom and I – if i was to succeed the third would need to realise that she would never be centre of attention at these moments. could that work?

Well, so far, all has been better than well 🙂

First, both have a huge service dynamic and respect for authority, and I have managed to be effective enough to be respected by them.

Second, the two girls love playing together, in a subby way and this makes me feel like king of the world (The first time they worked together to shave my bits was a magical, giggly experience).

Third, having met and talked things through with totallycoverme’s master I am absolutely content that both see this as very positive and that we all know our boundaries.

Fourth, when curvy_bottom and I make love totallycoverme loves to be used and feels pleased as punch to help out. She never gets involved other than as a toy. She does have opportunities for sexual satisfaction in a non-penetrative way that are always completely separate in time and space from being our helpful toy.

Fifth, curvy_bottom is enjoying having someone to protect. And someone to have girly, subby conversations with.

Last, we all (four – not three ) want the dynamic to grow and have clear and similar ideas on how it could evolve.

So, I’ve set my initial concerns aside. I shall try to be objective in future so I notice tensions before they hurt things. But I’m getting committed rather than involved.

You can see me, but I’m not an exhibitionist.

0004f9ec-a95d-9925-3787-f2bd8beaf1fe_110I’ve always said that I would never upload naked pictures to my profile. I don’t really need people to look at them and I like to think that if I am undressed it is because someone has asked me to do it rather than me being keen to get my bits out. I’m not horrendously self conscious but I do see undressing for someone as a quite humiliating thing in that it’s like saying “I’m here to be used in some way now” (even if that use is just the very act of being naked in itself).

I know we’ve all got the same bits (well half of us anyway!) and why should it all be so sacred but I do believe in keeping some privacy about being undressed so that if I do it for someone it is for them and nobody else.

Despite the above, Belasarius is an exhibitionist and he likes sharing photos of play and in wanting to be useful in my service to him, I don’t want to deny him that if it brings him pleasure. In this respect I consent to his photos of me being shared. On the one hand I feel flattered but there is also a very predominant feeling that when I look at the fact that my photo of me naked with my legs open is out there in webland it makes me feel tacky and dirty and slutty. This feeling made me cringe to the point that my toes curl and I chew my lips into raw flesh.

Beginning the pouringIn all the poses my legs are wide open, my nipples look hard and my cunt is glistening more than I was actually aware of it doing. The feelings that occur from this make me want to bow my head and hide under my duvet but they also make me feel proud and fascinated about what I’m willing to do through being keen to please and I can’t deny that I am so into this kind of headfuck.

Wow! The things that make you cringe and feel disbelief at yourself for being willing to do are perhaps the things that give the most satisfaction regarding my submission in that I believe that it can be constructive to be challenged outside of your comfort zone.

It is exciting and rewarding and it brings me closer to believing that there may be more of this kind of thing and it will be interesting to see the forms it will take.

It makes me more convinced that a head shaving could be entirely possible put it that way.

Oh my gawd! Just wow really! Can’t believe that I’m being asked to do these things that I’m giving ccnsent to and not wholly enjoying but still admittedly getting off on somewhat. It’s just come to me that perhaps that does make me a slut in the positive sense of the word. Oh my goodness I’ve never thought of myself as one but I guess this would be testament to that whole conditioning aspect of submission that so appeals to me.

Wow!

Totally covering totallycoverme’s fou-fou

I’ve told the story here of how I waxed curvy_bottom’s fou fou. More recently I, with totallycoverme’s help, gave c_b’s breast’s a decent covering in iridescent shades of green (like Shrek’s Missus, she looked). And, I gave totallycoverme (tcm) a small clitty mould as a memento (that’s the avatar you can see on her posts here)P6031712.JPG. Chatting with tcm’s master, he expressed delight in the thing and, as a big, big thank you for his lending me tcm to play with I decided to make him something more permanent. This is my description of the evening.

The quotes are totallycoverme’s reactions (and this is what she thought of the photos). I lay her on a tarpaulin covered low table and used a spreader bar to help ensure her legs didn’t come together as the wax hit. I used a couple of clips, tied to her thighs to keep her labia apart, so we could do the best possible job of getting a fairly detailed mould, including her clitoris.

0004f9ec-a95d-9925-3787-f2bd8beaf1fe_110Having clamps/pegs down there was painful but I have a feeling that the extent of the pain was overshadowed by a general feeling of being looked after by both c_b and yourself.

c_b wiped her (it was pleasing to find her in a high state of arousal) and then applied a coat of Vaseline to help protect her a little and to help with releasing the finished mould later. It’s important to spread this well and thinly so that detail is not obscured. I then got c_b to unhood tcm’s clitty so we could ensure we got a proper representation of the little darling and started dripping wax direct from a candle, from a height of about six inches.tcmffbig1 P6031716.ORFI thought this would be the most difficult bit for our victim, but that came later.

After about ten minutes work the clitoris had a nice thick coating and much of the space between the labia was filled. I carried on dripping from the candles until I had a decent coat. OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAThen I started dribbling dessert spoonfuls of melted wax (melted in a slow cooker and taken off the heat as soon as the wax was liquid, to keep it as cool as possible). tcm didn’t seem to think this was any sort of “cool” she recognised – I had to use another spreader bar on her collar and wrist harness at this point to stop her trying to clutch her cun). Three to five second flows of wax onto the target were, it seemed, much more difficult for her to bear than drips from the candle, even though they were not going straight onto exposed flesh. I was using my finger to help build up the coverage at the bottom of the mould and to stop it straying into her arse crack – I found it easy to bear. tcm clearly didn’t.

Eve0004f9ec-a95d-9925-3787-f2bd8beaf1fe_110n when new layers of wax were put over previous layers of wax, the heat made it feel like the wax was still going on uncovered skin each time.

c_b had melted some yellow crayon into the wax and I started to apply this with aP6031723.ORF small ladle. The flows were longer and more substantial and caused a great deal of screaming. Very satisfactory but also unneighbourly.

0004f9ec-a95d-9925-3787-f2bd8beaf1fe_110I can’t remember at what point this happened but when I had a massive swear at something that I found painful I felt awfully guilty and remorseful about it afterwards and I remember apologising a lot and meaning it desperately.

I gave the ladle to c_b and calmed tcm by pushing the spreader bar gently but firmly down on her throat, under the voicebox, and talking to her calmly. I held her hand and I watched her. This quieted her and we had no more big noise nor swearing. The seething didn’t stop though, which was most satisfactory.

0004f9ec-a95d-9925-3787-f2bd8beaf1fe_110The spreader bar pressed onto my neck brought about an unexpected sense of calm and focus, possibly through a slight element of shock. When the spreader bar was pressed briefly against the top of my feet at one point it reminded me of my purpose in being there to use in how it was unexpected and painful for me but I suspect it was fun and spontaneous for you. It reminded me of my use as a toy in that toys are there to be played with at a random whim.

We added green crayon to the wax and when it melted, c_b began brushing it on to build up a smoother surface finish. We’d taken frequent little breaks to let the thing harden but I’d begun to get a bit concerned that the wax, closer to the skin, appeared to be retaining quite a lot of heat. tcmffbig2I applied an ice pack (not straight out of the freezer!) and c_b set too with a hair dryer blowing cold air. We continued to wax and cool, wax and cool. tcm was, by now, mostly quite dreamy (when finally released she had no idea that the project had taken just under two tcmffbig3hours to complete).

0004f9ec-a95d-9925-3787-f2bd8beaf1fe_110I remember squeezing both your hands reeeeally tight at one point. I think this is when you were telling me that what we was doing was for everyone’s pleasure and how useful I was being.

She woke up though, when it was time to release the mould. I told her we were going to do it and her eyes popped out of her head before I even touched her! I eased the sides and c_b blew cold air underneath. The centre of the thing was still hot to touch. the area between her stretched labia had been completely filled and easing it away gently didn’t seem  to be an option. With a little wiggling and a quick wrench it came a way with a distinct pop at one end and a scream at the other. This is the final picture. It may look like a wedge of iceberg lettuce but I can assure you it isn’t.

It took six candles. OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA All of us had a whale of a time.

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Performing Nadu – by totallycoverme

0004f9ec-a95d-9925-3787-f2bd8beaf1fe_110I knew that I was going to be asked to do nadu. We had been talking about protocols and slave positions and I simply knew it was going to happen.

My first understanding of nadu was that it was for the purpose of the submissive showing themselves to be available to serve. It also had a humiliating aspect to it for someone who doesn‘t like to be exposed and is not an exhibitionist (that‘ll be me then!). My initial thoughts and ideas turned out true but I also experienced some unexpected feelings and ideas once I was putting it into practice.

A cushion was put on the floor for me in the corner of the room and I was asked to perform nadu. I began, even then with an amount of reluctance, by showing the kneeling position that I was most familiar with through previous experience: I knelt with my knees closed together, my hands behind my back and my head down. As a shy person I find this the easiest way to kneel and I wanted to offer this as a first option to see if this would be satisfactory. Once in this position I was told that I knew that this was not nadu. I was to do it properly.800px-The_Gor_Project_1_by_mjranum_stock

I open my legs to be told that they need to be as wide apart as they can be. Then I place my hands on my knees with palms facing upwards. So far this is mortifying but not unbearable.The real difficulty came in being told to put my head up.

Being asked to put my head up takes away my remaining element of privacy and this makes it a big deal.

Head up

Keeping my head down allows me to focus on the floor and hide my embarrassment (perhaps even an amount of shame that I can‘t quite put my finger on). As soon as I have to put my head up all of that final bit of dignity feels like it is no longer there. That‘s actually quite a hard pill to swallow because it takes away that little bit of peace and privacy that you can hold onto whilst keeping your head down.

I eventually did put my head up because I don‘t think that it is good service to keep someone waiting and having to repeat their instruction to you. Once my head was up it took a lot of persistence on my part not to keep dropping it back down.

It feels so exposing and squirmy when you realise that you‘re kneeling with your legs apart offering your submission so physically blatantly. When in this situation I didn‘t know where to look because I kept giggling and squirming and cringing and urgh! It was really difficult I can tell you! I was so grateful when I was told that I could close my eyes because it helped me to calm down and focus and it made the nadu position more about the people I was doing it for rather than my own discomfort with it and I think this is important.

I was then instructed to adopt the position of Sula and I think that strangely this came as a bit of a relief although I was still too focussed on my own embarrassment to go from one position to another in a way that was graceful and pleasing (I must work on that). The Sula position was required for functional reasons that lead to more things which lead to more things.

Whilst curvy_bottom was preparing for something that was to follow, Belasarius asked me whether I was doing anything and seeing that I wasn‘t doing anything, what should I be doing? (kind of like when someone catches you messing about when you‘re supposed to be working). I quickly remembered that when not serving in a directly active way that I need to be in nadu and got into the position there on the spot. It came quicker and more naturally this time but I still felt myself squeezing my eyes closed together much more so than had I simply been relaxed and asleep.

Pride in service

Later on that evening I found myself doing nothing in particular and I used my initiative to drop into nadu rather than awkwardly standing trying to cover myself again (ha!). I was pleased that I was picking it up because this was met with a very happy reaction from Belasarius. I think this is the first instance in which performing nadu gave me a sense of pride which took my focus away from feeling embarrassed so that was nice.

In this moment I gained a glimpse of what it could be to use nadu in a proud way rather than feel humiliated by it.

I hope I will be able to understand the importance of using nadu to take pride in my submission rather than feel exposed and humiliated by it. I think this will probably take some time based on how I‘m wired but overall it is important to me to make my service about what I can offer rather than obsessing about whether I feel humiliated or exposed by something or not. Maybe I‘ll always feel this way about some things but that isn‘t enough of a reason not to try to do it well.

I was also pleased to observe that when wearing ankle cuffs, the closest thing to nadu for comfort in that context is to cross my legs at the front in order to stop the pressure of the cuffs digging into my legs too much.

So that, ladies and gentlemen, is my first experience of performing nadu. Going forward I want to improve on doing it with grace and certainty regardless of how I feel. I think it is a valuable and useful concept and a challenging and worthwhile thing to work on.

I would love to be able to do it immediately without having to be told. I would take so much pride in that. I think a key thing that I have picked up from nadu so far is that taking pride in giving service should come before focussing on whether you feel humiliated or not. I think pride in service is so important because it‘s about pushing yourself to offer as much as you possibly can. I like this. Nadu makes sense to me in this respect.

Whipping position

I should also add that I was asked to take the whipping position in order to receive a paddle once on each cheek for failing to do something that was asked of me prior to meeting. I knew that this punishment was coming. It was both expected and deserved and I felt that the position was suitable and effective in being able to offer myself for what was deserved. I like that the whipping position is not dependant on furniture or any paraphernalia at all in order for punishment to be given or pleasure to be taken. I would say that the whipping position is constructive in being able to offer service.

Also, I‘ve been telling Master (Dragonfyre42) about how embarrassed I was to perform nadu and it made him giggle because he said that I even sounded embarrassed describing it to him and the fact that I did it. Wow!

All the blogs on our new journey are here.

Preparating for service – totallycoverme’s routine

0004f9ec-a95d-9925-3787-f2bd8beaf1fe_110Belasarius asked me to write a blog about how I mentally and physically prepare myself before service. The mental bit shouldn’t be too difficult because I often write about my mind but he thinks writing about the physical element of it will be embarrassing for me and he is right.

I’m sitting here asking myself why I’m so willing to write about something that I find intimate and embarrassing and I’m asking myself why I’m choosing to do this because I feel silly and daft and I’m cursing at myself a bit for doing it but my need to be pleasing is greater than my need to say “I ain’t doing it” and that in itself feels like a big and fascinating thing.

Maybe I’m  getting closer to doing stuff I don’t want to do (limits acknowledged) because I really like being of service.

This is perplexing and thrilling and, oh yeah – did I mention, embarrassing.

My physical preparations are less about my vanity and more about being pleasing. Having leg and underarm hair doesn’t bother me too much if it’s there so my main reason for shaving that is because I don’t think it’s acceptable to turn up having not made the effort.

Down there

I will normally shave every two weeks if left to my own devices but I will increase that frequency if I am going to serve before the two-week point is up.

If shaving down there before service I will always make that bit more effort to pay attention to detail than if it was just for my own reasons for doing it. I decided upon this after having felt what it is like having candle wax removed when a stray hair or two has caught in it. (I don’t know if it’s going to feel better or worse by throwing it out there that I feel a bit dirty writing about all my physical preparations so far).

From three days before service I will apply moisturiser all over each night because my skin suffers from a bit of blotchiness as a result of my love of junk food (I consent to this and roll with it I guess). Sometimes it contains self tan sometimes it doesn’t.

Just before heading off to serve on the day I will apply concealer to absolutely anywhere I think will benefit from it. I don’t know if this is a standard thing or a me thing but I feel it is right to do so. I will also do a spray of perfume and have a breath mint. Again not something I normally do but I think it’s proper.

I don’t usually wear make up either but I like to do it almost as a mask when serving because if I blush when embarrassed or humiliated I like it to be less noticeable. I don’t know if it actually works or if it’s a mind over matter thing. It often all gets smudged in the end but still.

I wear whatever I feel like when travelling to serve because it doesn’t stay on for long anyway.

When packing my handbag I check that I have got my play collar, my book that I have been given to record things in and any other accessories that I have been asked to bring.

I did this blog as part of my service in being asked to do it so as strange and exposed and intimate as it felt to write it I hope it was satisfactory in some way. I’ll come back and write about the mental preparation in another instalment.

More about

“a new journey” – incorporating a plaything into our dynamic

The toy, the plaything, the added extra :)

286723It’s actually pretty hard to know what to call her/it 🙂 not being into objectification or humiliation or stuff. But we are working on it 🙂

The first time was a bit of a blast, and you’ll have read about it in the other blogs.

Interestingly, there are some specific memories that are with me now (and will probably stay for always!) – spotty underwear (“ooh, mine are like that only with bigger spots”) and crying when she got paddled, and the bedroom picnic 🙂 Not to mention the swearing and the covering of bits.

Anyway – we’ve met since, both for play and at the midweek munch, with her Master, and we are creating an unusual, occasionally challenging but always fascinating dynamic.

It’s hard to get the balance right – between the protective instinct and the delight that he can do horrid things to someone else!!!

It’s also interesting to have someone to compare notes with, so to speak. She is opposite to the writer in some respects, wanting pain and objectification in a way that is really not desired here. But we are very similar in the service aspect of our submission.

If he wants to beat me then of course he can – but he struggles with it a bit, as he knows that he has a sub not a pain slut (and before going on, it may be sensible to make it clear – this isn’t being judgemental: it’s about using terms that people accept as generally expressive of BDSM traits). Because he is emotionally attached, it makes it harder not to be a bit soft on this girl (he says). Not that you’d notice, the way he flogs the **** out of this girl! But enough digression… When he sees that she can take and wants the pain of a beating, he can go ahead: he and she gets what they want. Getting to narrow eyes and hiss ‘you meanie’ – and cuddle her after – makes it more of a shared experience. It’s all good.

Anyway – it will be fascinating to see how things develop. He has plans for more wax play,

English: Wax play on nipple.
Photo credit: Wikipedia

which is messy fun! – and intends for all of us to work on the dynamic as well as protocols. The is also the likelihood of an event if we can synchronise diaries 🙂 she is to be in a collar and lead – guess who is meant to hold the other end? #aaaagh 😉

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About last night…

aveburysarsenTNcurvy_bottom and I went to the Manchester Midweek Munch last night.

Our new toy, totallycoverme, tipped up, with her master, Dragonfyre42.

I think we all worried about this a little – even though sharing aspects of someone isn’t new to any of us.

0004f9ec-a95d-9925-3787-f2bd8beaf1fe_110We needn’t. OK, I’m sure it helped that we all new (and liked) each other anyway – but changed situations CAN be awkward.

Not a bit of it. We talked about loads of stuff – and we addressed the elephant in the room (not a physical description of totallycoverme), the “aspects of sharing” that are developing, straight up – between ourselves and in front of others.

Right now this couldn’t feel any healthier.

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