The Night Before The Head Shave.

0004f9ec-a95d-9925-3787-f2bd8beaf1fe_110This was written the night before the head shaving. it’s really interesting to see the contrast between the fears and doubts that existed then vs how positive it felt afterwards. One thing that really springs to mind here is that this one often refers to the loss she fears she will feel: in reality, it felt like this one had gained more than she had lost as she sat in the chair having the final bits of hair removed. Such a paradox but yeah. Enjoy 🙂

“I am writing this the night before the head shave. I am sure that I will go ahead with it. To the very best of my knowledge I believe if I was gonna pull out of it I’d have done so by now so as not to mess with peoples heads, time, energy and possibly emotions.

I hope it goes ok. I am looking forward to seeing him and her but hope that I don’t find myself wishing I’d had a quiet night in because I’m terrified of feeling like a freak show. I’m terrified that people will think “aww she’s nuts anyway, this isn’t a big deal and she’s just doing it for attention” because nothing could be more drastically further from the truth.

I trust he and she to look after me but I stand forwarned that I will be taken out of my comfort zone. I can’t imagine wanting to face anyone once my hair has been taken away because I’m dreading looking like a dick. Sounds grumpy as but I can see just wanting to withdraw kneeling at their feet with my head down.

If it was up to me this would be being done in private but I also want Sir to experience this thing I’m consenting to give him to the height of its potential and as a result I know that he wants it to be public. I want so badly for the people around us to be indifferent or if not indifferent, supportive. This goes to show that I am going to be vulnerable to he and she to look after me. By letting them do this I am saying that I trust them to do right by me in a circumstance where I am giving them a level of submission that makes me publicly vulnerable and exposed. There is a massive load of subtext beyond the head shaving itself in this respect.

I want to do this. It’s something that all parties have held as a curiosity prior to this dynamic even starting. I don’t have a particular fetish for head shaving or being bald but I’ve always been keen to give a level of submission that puts someones needs above my own in a tremendous way because this makes it real and relevant to me and this is probably deep down what I want (I hope!).

Tomorrow I will read over my book that states the public protocols that I am to adhere to. I want to get them right and be on good behaviour. Also selfishly perhaps, I want to focus on these in order to keep my mind focussed and centred.

I am in control here. I could say “sod this entirely” or “maybe another day eh?” but there’s something about this that feels right enough to go ahead with it.

Sir tells me that I will be losing my use of first person personal pronouns once the first hair falls from my head. I’ve tried this in our written dialogue but have yet to do so verbally. I have no idea if I will succeed because my mind is too focussed on the hair thing itself.

This is my last night for a while of feeling my hair against my pillow. Tomorrow will be my last morning of waking up with bed hair and washing it and brushing it. All of this makes it feel really surreal.

I am worried that afterwards I will feel like I’m owed something as in “I’ve given you my hair so now you have to be super extra nice to me always” but I think that’s just me being an embarrassingly clingy nob end and even though put in a mindset of vulnerability and deep submission, I have faith that with my maturity and experience of bdsm over the years it won’t bring out a side of me that I really don’t like.

I’m quite looking forward to my baldness feeling like something I share with them and master only. I plan to always cover my head in public based on how I feel and then remove said wig or hat for their eyes only. I don’t want to feel that my amour or humility is with in front of anyone other than them and that’s what will make it special when I kneel to remove my wig.

I am worried I’ll giggle and mess about as nervous thing and a defence mechanism that mostly serves me well in life. I am worried that I will cry and be undignified and give off an unpleasantly heavy vibe. I’m worried that I’ll have a nice mellow little trip and look like it’s not a big deal to me when it is. Im worried I’ll make it into a big deal when it’s not. Afterall it’s only hair and it does grow back.

But if its only hair that grows back then why don’t more women shave it off. Am I really giving something that special or am I deluding myself and as soon as my head is bald it will be another slave another shaving. I hope the loss I feel is proportionate to the size of what they feel I’m giving (I think I believe it is, I’m just being insecure and with myself I think).

Tomorrow night (assuming it really doed go ahead), has potential to be a combination of hot, exciting, upsetting and worrying. I guess what’s going on in my head right now is a massive massive hope for those factors to balance in a way that works and gives everyone a night to remember rather than regret because either way it’s going to be blummin memorable and it’s going to take a while for the hair to grow back so there’s so so much riding on this really. Maybe there would be less kerfuzzle if this wasn’t set to happen in public but that’s what Sir wants so that’s what I am happy to consent to and I guess that, in a way, sums up a lot of what this dynamic is about.

I so hope this goes ok. I sort of hope in a weird way that they are as nervous as me maybe. Not sure why but yeah.

Oh well you know what they say, “b.ll.x b.ll.x and more b.ll.x”

Touch wood good luck fingers crossed!!!”

Losing the personal pronoun

aveburysarsenTNBoth of the people I have a dynamic with (my partner, curvy_bottom and our toy) have consented not to use their personal pronouns within our dynamic.

This means in interactions with me, each other and with anyone in a public D/s context.

It does not mean altering their language at work, out and about, or with friends (even kinky friends) in a non D/s context.

Posting on BDSM websites is, as far as I’m concerned, a proper context for this discipline.

My partner has done this since 2008 (with many lapses 🙂 ). Why? This is how I put it at the time:

“Despite my protestations otherwise you are not a bear of little brain. And I see no reason why I should not engage that enormous organ in the service of our dynamic.

Set aside for a moment your humanity, empathy, imagination, tenderness, thoughtfulness and all the other qualities that make me love you and ask why I should not challenge your intelligence?

Of course I should. And this does – doing without ‘I’ and ‘me’ is tricky I admit, but I can’t go much further, can I, in focussing you on me, even in my absence, than by asking you to moderate your language.

Now tell me that you won’t enjoy the challenge.”

I don’t (and won’t) punish either for failing in this. I do (and will) punish them for failing to try. There are exceptions too. Deep, important (or passionate ) conversations are difficult if you are parsing you language into an unnatural form – so it gets suspended then.

Over the years c_b and I have found this challenging discipline really useful. It’s much less about language and much more about creating a focus in conversation that we both find helpful.

Sometimes the language feels natural, but we both know it masks something. She doesn’t say “I’m gasping for a cuppa” – she does say “would you like tea?”. In fact, this is one of its biggest impacts – it converts statements and demands to questions and requests. This suits us.

Sometimes it becomes more inclusive. People in couples/families often say “We think”. She may do it more often (as long as she knows it’s true that it is a shared view).

It creates endearments that, to us, seem special: “I Love you” isn’t said. “You are loved” is. Often.

Sometimes, it’s just damned awkward. Whilst frustrating this is usually just amusing.

This is very new to the toy, of course. And potentially difficult for her. She doesn’t think much before she speaks (she doesn’t usually need to – what she says is what she feels and believes) and changing the structure of what she says is frustrating for her. I’m hoping practice will help.

The aim of this with the toy is not the same. In this case, losing the personal pronoun is much more about helping with her deep desire to have a part of her life that is dedicated to being an object cherished for its usefulness, well maintained at all times (which means having prime regard for her welfare) and used to further my dynamic with my partner (which can only happen because the toy gets profound satisfaction from service as a discrete part of all of her life). In this case, losing the pp is all about making her feel different and changed.

That sweet little shaving brush

0004f9ec-a95d-9925-3787-f2bd8beaf1fe_110Totallycoverme writes: So I find myself kneeling in the bath on all fours. Nobody specifically told me to get in this position and how I got there is another story. I’m in a state of desperate need for multiple reasons and my head is all over the place. If you’re reading this, I’ve let you in bang in the middle of something basically and what it boils down to is that I was in this bath with my mind all over the place for reasons that had nothing to do with any planned head shaving.

Spontaneously, Sir holds a small shaving brush in front of me. This holds massive and clearShaving-Brush significance because I have already consented to having my head shaved. I didn’t expect much else to happen because I’ve been told a little bit about how my full head shave might happen so when I saw the little shaving brush in front of me I thought it was just part of this cute headfuck (which very much seemed to be happening anyway).

The shaving product feels like it must have foamed up and I don’t think I’d be wrong in saying that it felt so cooling and tingly that I think it was menthol. It wasn’t long after getting used to that feeling that I felt the scraping of a carefully applied razor going over my neck. I may or may not have gone into a subtle type of shock at that point because I didn’t feel any fear or sadness. I’m confused to say that I maybe even enjoyed the physical sensations of having it done what with it being the neck and all (although I can’t be sure because maybe I was relieved to have a distraction from another bath related challenge that was going on!).

One thing that did amaze me is that I felt so consenting and ready for this that I would have happily stayed put and stayed quiet had the shaving happened a bit more then a bit more, maybe even up until it looked like one of them bowl cuts what ye old monks have! Like it felt completely right and completely ok. It didn’t feel distressing or upsetting. It actually felt calming and soothing and safe. Again, I’m not sure if that was in its own right or as a distraction from other things but whatever it was it felt so much better than I could have imagined even though there were feelings of shock (probably why I kept so still) and being humbled in there. Dare I say it I might have even felt a bit proud!

I wish I took a photo of the sweet little bit of hair that was removed. I’ve got my head down whilst kneeling on all fours because I’m already feeling a whole barrage of subjugated emotions by this point anyway and then unexpectedly I feel the shaving brush delicately making gentle little circular motions around the lowest point of my hairline on my neck!

I had no idea what was happening or what to expect until I heard he and she talking about which razor to use. I’m still trying to piece together which emotions happened at which time throughout this to be honest.

I can’t guarantee that I will feel exactly the same when it comes to my full head shave but I do feel a sense of having had a sweet little taster and it’s opened my mind to the idea that it might not be all about feeling humiliated, degraded and shamed (that’s not why he wants to do it anyway, that’s more of a me thing!) and that there is a likelihood of some amazing positive feelings occurring too. The mind blowing thing is that now I have experienced an introductory little shave on my hairline, I’m getting some positive and even enthusiastic feelings (amongst the nerves and fears) about getting my head shaved and the reason this is mind blowing is that I consider it to be genuine conditioning as I come more and more round to the idea (as my previous blogs on this subject will confirm!).

Like I’ve gone from feeling that a head shave is about being humbled and shamed to realising that actually, amongst all that stuff, there is potential for feelings of pride and reassurance and maybe even tranquillity to be embraced too.

Frankly if this isn’t what being a conditioned slave is then I don’t know what it. Sometimes I have to tell myself I’m one mad bird and is it really me writing this. Hey ho.

Afterwards when I asked what it looked like Sir began telling me not to worry it wasn’t much etc etc and I found myself saying that he didn’t need to explain that to me (I felt a bit bossy then! Sowwy!!).

I guess I wanted to make it clear that I truly and genuinely consent in that even if I’d left looking wonky or with a rude word shaved in, my submission would have remained and still in the best frame of mind ever. I say this because I believe the nature of my consent is true enough that it wouldn’t have been up to me if Sir wanted to do a bit more than a nice little tidy up of my whispy bits of hair at the base of my scalp. This is so real! Wow! I feel genuinely ready for this now and more positive and powerful about it than ever. I’m either living the dream or I’m a few chairs short of a barbershop! Frankly I’m fascinated and obsessed and excited about what this is doing to my mind. Happy days!

Adding a third – the dominant’s perspective.

aveburysarsenTNI’ve long fantasised about having a series of uninvolved “thirds” to add a new dimension to our play. I always assumed it would be a one-off – maybe a few one-offs if we were lucky. We’ve been fortunate enough, in the past, to have this with people we like, and it’s been good (c_b likes me to have “holiday cover” and tries to arrange it). I hadn’t considered that it would be likely that we would establish a new long-term dynamic involving a third person, but that is what is happening.

As it emerged that this was likely I was beset with excitement, a deep desire to give it a go and… Worries.

Firstly, curvy_bottom and I both knew the couple concerned (totallycoverme and Dragonfyre42) relatively well and liked them a lot. I didn’t want to disrupt that.

Big stuff

Both the couples involved have a big love thing going on. I needed to understand not just the impact on my relationship this might have but also the ethical/moral issues arising from the possible changes this would create in the other couple’s relationship. I didn’t feel I could encourage this to develop unless I was as sure as I could be that it would strengthen things for all and not weaken or disrupt them.

I am also an exhibitionist and I thought blogging on this from the beginning would be fascinating for me, the others involved and a bit of an audience (it has – views on my blog have tripled). I knew this might not work either at the beginning or in the early stages and I did not want to raise participants’ expectations. It still could fail, I guess. I’m exposing myself and don’t want to look too much of a prat!

Small stuff

There were other, less important issues too:

  • The girls involved fancy each other like crazy – how would I feel about that?
  • The third person wants to be objectified and used. Tricky, because she is difficult to see other than as a whizzingly energetic, positive enthusiast for life. I need to keep some distance.
  • Part of the reason for this is to give me an outlet for a degree of sadism I wont offer to curvy_bottom (the love thing gets in the way). But she likes the person too and is always caring to my victims – on a continuing basis (and not a one-off) would this work?
  • I wanted to create a sex toy for curvy_bottom and I – if i was to succeed the third would need to realise that she would never be centre of attention at these moments. could that work?

Well, so far, all has been better than well 🙂

First, both have a huge service dynamic and respect for authority, and I have managed to be effective enough to be respected by them.

Second, the two girls love playing together, in a subby way and this makes me feel like king of the world (The first time they worked together to shave my bits was a magical, giggly experience).

Third, having met and talked things through with totallycoverme’s master I am absolutely content that both see this as very positive and that we all know our boundaries.

Fourth, when curvy_bottom and I make love totallycoverme loves to be used and feels pleased as punch to help out. She never gets involved other than as a toy. She does have opportunities for sexual satisfaction in a non-penetrative way that are always completely separate in time and space from being our helpful toy.

Fifth, curvy_bottom is enjoying having someone to protect. And someone to have girly, subby conversations with.

Last, we all (four – not three ) want the dynamic to grow and have clear and similar ideas on how it could evolve.

So, I’ve set my initial concerns aside. I shall try to be objective in future so I notice tensions before they hurt things. But I’m getting committed rather than involved.

Performing Nadu – by totallycoverme

0004f9ec-a95d-9925-3787-f2bd8beaf1fe_110I knew that I was going to be asked to do nadu. We had been talking about protocols and slave positions and I simply knew it was going to happen.

My first understanding of nadu was that it was for the purpose of the submissive showing themselves to be available to serve. It also had a humiliating aspect to it for someone who doesn‘t like to be exposed and is not an exhibitionist (that‘ll be me then!). My initial thoughts and ideas turned out true but I also experienced some unexpected feelings and ideas once I was putting it into practice.

A cushion was put on the floor for me in the corner of the room and I was asked to perform nadu. I began, even then with an amount of reluctance, by showing the kneeling position that I was most familiar with through previous experience: I knelt with my knees closed together, my hands behind my back and my head down. As a shy person I find this the easiest way to kneel and I wanted to offer this as a first option to see if this would be satisfactory. Once in this position I was told that I knew that this was not nadu. I was to do it properly.800px-The_Gor_Project_1_by_mjranum_stock

I open my legs to be told that they need to be as wide apart as they can be. Then I place my hands on my knees with palms facing upwards. So far this is mortifying but not unbearable.The real difficulty came in being told to put my head up.

Being asked to put my head up takes away my remaining element of privacy and this makes it a big deal.

Head up

Keeping my head down allows me to focus on the floor and hide my embarrassment (perhaps even an amount of shame that I can‘t quite put my finger on). As soon as I have to put my head up all of that final bit of dignity feels like it is no longer there. That‘s actually quite a hard pill to swallow because it takes away that little bit of peace and privacy that you can hold onto whilst keeping your head down.

I eventually did put my head up because I don‘t think that it is good service to keep someone waiting and having to repeat their instruction to you. Once my head was up it took a lot of persistence on my part not to keep dropping it back down.

It feels so exposing and squirmy when you realise that you‘re kneeling with your legs apart offering your submission so physically blatantly. When in this situation I didn‘t know where to look because I kept giggling and squirming and cringing and urgh! It was really difficult I can tell you! I was so grateful when I was told that I could close my eyes because it helped me to calm down and focus and it made the nadu position more about the people I was doing it for rather than my own discomfort with it and I think this is important.

I was then instructed to adopt the position of Sula and I think that strangely this came as a bit of a relief although I was still too focussed on my own embarrassment to go from one position to another in a way that was graceful and pleasing (I must work on that). The Sula position was required for functional reasons that lead to more things which lead to more things.

Whilst curvy_bottom was preparing for something that was to follow, Belasarius asked me whether I was doing anything and seeing that I wasn‘t doing anything, what should I be doing? (kind of like when someone catches you messing about when you‘re supposed to be working). I quickly remembered that when not serving in a directly active way that I need to be in nadu and got into the position there on the spot. It came quicker and more naturally this time but I still felt myself squeezing my eyes closed together much more so than had I simply been relaxed and asleep.

Pride in service

Later on that evening I found myself doing nothing in particular and I used my initiative to drop into nadu rather than awkwardly standing trying to cover myself again (ha!). I was pleased that I was picking it up because this was met with a very happy reaction from Belasarius. I think this is the first instance in which performing nadu gave me a sense of pride which took my focus away from feeling embarrassed so that was nice.

In this moment I gained a glimpse of what it could be to use nadu in a proud way rather than feel humiliated by it.

I hope I will be able to understand the importance of using nadu to take pride in my submission rather than feel exposed and humiliated by it. I think this will probably take some time based on how I‘m wired but overall it is important to me to make my service about what I can offer rather than obsessing about whether I feel humiliated or exposed by something or not. Maybe I‘ll always feel this way about some things but that isn‘t enough of a reason not to try to do it well.

I was also pleased to observe that when wearing ankle cuffs, the closest thing to nadu for comfort in that context is to cross my legs at the front in order to stop the pressure of the cuffs digging into my legs too much.

So that, ladies and gentlemen, is my first experience of performing nadu. Going forward I want to improve on doing it with grace and certainty regardless of how I feel. I think it is a valuable and useful concept and a challenging and worthwhile thing to work on.

I would love to be able to do it immediately without having to be told. I would take so much pride in that. I think a key thing that I have picked up from nadu so far is that taking pride in giving service should come before focussing on whether you feel humiliated or not. I think pride in service is so important because it‘s about pushing yourself to offer as much as you possibly can. I like this. Nadu makes sense to me in this respect.

Whipping position

I should also add that I was asked to take the whipping position in order to receive a paddle once on each cheek for failing to do something that was asked of me prior to meeting. I knew that this punishment was coming. It was both expected and deserved and I felt that the position was suitable and effective in being able to offer myself for what was deserved. I like that the whipping position is not dependant on furniture or any paraphernalia at all in order for punishment to be given or pleasure to be taken. I would say that the whipping position is constructive in being able to offer service.

Also, I‘ve been telling Master (Dragonfyre42) about how embarrassed I was to perform nadu and it made him giggle because he said that I even sounded embarrassed describing it to him and the fact that I did it. Wow!

All the blogs on our new journey are here.

Preparating for service – totallycoverme’s routine

0004f9ec-a95d-9925-3787-f2bd8beaf1fe_110Belasarius asked me to write a blog about how I mentally and physically prepare myself before service. The mental bit shouldn’t be too difficult because I often write about my mind but he thinks writing about the physical element of it will be embarrassing for me and he is right.

I’m sitting here asking myself why I’m so willing to write about something that I find intimate and embarrassing and I’m asking myself why I’m choosing to do this because I feel silly and daft and I’m cursing at myself a bit for doing it but my need to be pleasing is greater than my need to say “I ain’t doing it” and that in itself feels like a big and fascinating thing.

Maybe I’m  getting closer to doing stuff I don’t want to do (limits acknowledged) because I really like being of service.

This is perplexing and thrilling and, oh yeah – did I mention, embarrassing.

My physical preparations are less about my vanity and more about being pleasing. Having leg and underarm hair doesn’t bother me too much if it’s there so my main reason for shaving that is because I don’t think it’s acceptable to turn up having not made the effort.

Down there

I will normally shave every two weeks if left to my own devices but I will increase that frequency if I am going to serve before the two-week point is up.

If shaving down there before service I will always make that bit more effort to pay attention to detail than if it was just for my own reasons for doing it. I decided upon this after having felt what it is like having candle wax removed when a stray hair or two has caught in it. (I don’t know if it’s going to feel better or worse by throwing it out there that I feel a bit dirty writing about all my physical preparations so far).

From three days before service I will apply moisturiser all over each night because my skin suffers from a bit of blotchiness as a result of my love of junk food (I consent to this and roll with it I guess). Sometimes it contains self tan sometimes it doesn’t.

Just before heading off to serve on the day I will apply concealer to absolutely anywhere I think will benefit from it. I don’t know if this is a standard thing or a me thing but I feel it is right to do so. I will also do a spray of perfume and have a breath mint. Again not something I normally do but I think it’s proper.

I don’t usually wear make up either but I like to do it almost as a mask when serving because if I blush when embarrassed or humiliated I like it to be less noticeable. I don’t know if it actually works or if it’s a mind over matter thing. It often all gets smudged in the end but still.

I wear whatever I feel like when travelling to serve because it doesn’t stay on for long anyway.

When packing my handbag I check that I have got my play collar, my book that I have been given to record things in and any other accessories that I have been asked to bring.

I did this blog as part of my service in being asked to do it so as strange and exposed and intimate as it felt to write it I hope it was satisfactory in some way. I’ll come back and write about the mental preparation in another instalment.

More about

a new journey” – incorporating a plaything into our dynamic

The toy, the plaything, the added extra :)

286723It’s actually pretty hard to know what to call her/it 🙂 not being into objectification or humiliation or stuff. But we are working on it 🙂

The first time was a bit of a blast, and you’ll have read about it in the other blogs.

Interestingly, there are some specific memories that are with me now (and will probably stay for always!) – spotty underwear (“ooh, mine are like that only with bigger spots”) and crying when she got paddled, and the bedroom picnic 🙂 Not to mention the swearing and the covering of bits.

Anyway – we’ve met since, both for play and at the midweek munch, with her Master, and we are creating an unusual, occasionally challenging but always fascinating dynamic.

It’s hard to get the balance right – between the protective instinct and the delight that he can do horrid things to someone else!!!

It’s also interesting to have someone to compare notes with, so to speak. She is opposite to the writer in some respects, wanting pain and objectification in a way that is really not desired here. But we are very similar in the service aspect of our submission.

If he wants to beat me then of course he can – but he struggles with it a bit, as he knows that he has a sub not a pain slut (and before going on, it may be sensible to make it clear – this isn’t being judgemental: it’s about using terms that people accept as generally expressive of BDSM traits). Because he is emotionally attached, it makes it harder not to be a bit soft on this girl (he says). Not that you’d notice, the way he flogs the **** out of this girl! But enough digression… When he sees that she can take and wants the pain of a beating, he can go ahead: he and she gets what they want. Getting to narrow eyes and hiss ‘you meanie’ – and cuddle her after – makes it more of a shared experience. It’s all good.

Anyway – it will be fascinating to see how things develop. He has plans for more wax play,

English: Wax play on nipple.
Photo credit: Wikipedia

which is messy fun! – and intends for all of us to work on the dynamic as well as protocols. The is also the likelihood of an event if we can synchronise diaries 🙂 she is to be in a collar and lead – guess who is meant to hold the other end? #aaaagh 😉

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