This is the latest of my proposed definitions of BDSM terms.
My aim is to create debate and, if possible (it may not be) to get consensus on what these terms mean to most people. Why? Because I think it helps us communicate effectively and it helps people new to the scene to understand what we mean.
Painting of S/M sexuality (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I think that we often do the same things in BDSM but with different motivations. Certainly there are times when I confine, restrain or hurt my partner just for our mutual enjoyment. But, there are also times when I do more or less the same things to her but because there has been an issue between us and, in our dynamic, the issue has to be resolved (at least partly) by punishment that reinforces our roles in the relationship.
If the crime is small, then it can be a swift and sometimes tongue-in-cheek response: If it’s an issue between us then it is the fitting culmination of the process of dispute resolution. But it always feels completely different from the things we do to make each other feel great – even if they are the same things…
So, here is my first stab at a definition:
BDSM Punishment is the use of any BDSM practice but not for the mutual pleasure of both parties. BDSM partners use BDSM punishment to reinforce their dynamic and their roles in the relationship.
Back in October I designed a poll on safewords and more than eighty people then on Informed Consent did a pilot version. I’ve taken their comments into account and have now published it on survey monkey, here.
The survey takes less than five minutes, is anonymous, and you get to see the results as soon as you finish the last question.
I am incredibly grateful to all who took part in the pilot and to all who take part now.
When I have a couple of hundred responses, I will publish the results on this blog and link to them from fetbook and fetlife.
My submissive took up yoga – and ultimately made it an important part of her life. We thought of it originally to enhance our enjoyment of bondage – it seemed a good way of improving suppleness to give us more play options. We had no idea that, over time, what it would really achieve, was mental stamina – her ability to tolerate all sorts of trussings for longer and longer improved enormously, and she put this down to mental focus.. and her ability to focus was unlocked by her yoga.
But, what I really want to write about today is the connection we discovered between yoga and submission. I’m not saying that one directly relates to and improves the other, but that a number of qualities that yoga, and meditation, seem to encourage the development of a strong and capable submissive personality.
Petra’s Yoga Poses around the world (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Two examples:
Inner peace: It’s not always possible to be content with the decisions that have been made for you. Contemplation helps.
Self discipline: A fundamental and often overlooked quality of submission, I guess strongly related to “inner peace”: Strong self discipline eliminates laziness and encourages its possessor to strive always to improve.
As a footnote, I’d like to comment on fun. Several here have wondered whether the serious and intense nature of the relationship I was fortunate enough to experience meant it was not much fun. This is probably the most painful thing I’ve written to date: Gosh it was fun, it was joyous, mischievous, exciting, surprising and enormous fun. Two people had pledged themselves to design their entire lives to please the other. It was a game. A game played at Olympian standards – but still a game. A game where you had to know when not to smirk… But always a game. Maybe, apart from politics, the only game for grown-ups.
I am migrating my blog from UK BDSM website, Informed Consent (due to close in February 2013), to this, my private blog and also to the new community website it seems most likely that c_b and I will use going forward, Fetbook. This blog “The Rules We Lived By” was first published on Informed Consent on 6 April 2005. My private blog is belasarius.com
This is really a continuation of my last post. I thought I’d share what service meant to me and my significant other, so many years ago…
First of all, service was not (except in special and particular cases) about cooking (try keeping me out of the kitchen!), cleaning or other domestic chores. We both worked and domestic drudgery was shared. No, service was about rituals and rules that shaped our lives and the way we related to . It evolved into a complicated pattern and included many specifics all designed to pin us into our roles as master and servant (I’m not sure slave is quite right – I think we aspired in that direction but never quite achieved it).
Some of the specifics included:
She never spoke unless spoken to or unless seeking and being given permission to speak. This pertained in private and in public – in public situations we used subtle signals to ask, give or deny permission.
I would always let her know when I was expected home each evening – and she would endeavour to be there before me, groomed, lubricated and available in case of my need and with my favourite drink mixed and ready.
In company, at parties, etc, she would fetch both our drinks, she would stand in queues at the buffet/barbie, etc.
At home, she would not sit in my presence without permission, nor ever on furniture unless invited. In public, she would always sit at my feet if at all seemly.
She did not pee nor poo without my permission.
She laid out my clothes of an evening and always tied my tie in the mornings.
She would not feed herself without my permission. It was common for us to share a large plate, with me feeding her, or her dipping in when given permission.
She would usually retire 20 minutes before me, to groom, shave and prepare herself in case I required her services.
We shared a love of books. We’d often turn off the TV and she’d read to me, aloud.
She always drew my baths.
Bathtub in a house in ancient Herculaneum (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
She always sought approval for anything she was to wear, if I had not already made a choice.
In public I always opened doors for her, helped her into cars, did her seatbelt. If ever asked why, we always said to protect her fingernails from harm: They were, in fact, spectacular.
I am migrating my blog from UK BDSM website, Informed Consent (due to close in February 2013), to this, my private blog and also to the new community website it seems most likely that c_b and I will use going forward, Fetbook. This blog “The Rules We Lived By” was first published on Informed Consent on 6 April 2005. My private blog is belasarius.com
I thought I’d write this blog, after seeing other, similar ones because, to me, “the beauty of service” is at the root of the relationship I enjoyed, and would be the core of anything I might be fortunate enough to enjoy in the future.
I feel helplessly inadequate in expressing my feelings here: But, for me, it is my role to adore, cherish and control someone, to thrill her by piloting us both on a journey that always has new and more challenging destinations.
My reward is the right to make her mine and to shape her as I want her. Fundamental to this is the respect that comes from service offered because it expresses her attachment to me – service offered joyously.
For me, the sexual side of D/s is a celebration of all this, and discipline & chastisement are tools
Ball gag (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
we initially agree to use to help us achieve our joint objectives. Neither of these aspects are fundamental -they merely help us express our natures.
Re-reading this, it seems pseudish in the extreme, but I have no better words. I really want to know how others see this.
I am gradually migrating my blog from UK BDSM website, Informed Consent (due to close in February 2013), to this, my private blog and also to the new community website it seems most likely that c_b and I will use going forward, Fetbook. This blog “The Beauty of Service” was first published on Informed Consent on 4 April 2005. My private blog is belasarius.com
I am migrating my blog from UK BDSM website, Informed Consent (which closed in February 2013), to this, my private blog. This piece “My D/s beginnings” was first published on Informed Consent on 21 March 2005.
This is my first blog. I’m not sure what will come of these, but I’m writing this to help me, and maybe others too, understand me better.
I thought I’d start with the story of how the D/s beast was awoken within me. It wasn’t my fault, honest: it was always there, but it wasn’t until something happened that I discovered this. Actually, it wasn’t until a long time after something happened that I came to terms with the feelings that I’d obviously had since I was quite small. I met a girl. She was an undergraduate at a London college. My career was just getting to the interesting bit – you know, when you are finally trusted to screw up on your own. Anyhow, we’d been seeing each other for a while and enjoying a gratifyingly lusty vanilla life. We’d each got to the point of thinking about the other seriously. I travelled frequently and was often out of town for a day or two. Mobile phones had hardly been invented and she, the impecunious student, had no phone in her behind-Euston flat – so I pined a
Kings Cross, London – The departures board at Kings Cross Station (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
lot when I was away from her. One Thursday, though she phoned me – she was at her Dad’s office and was determined not only to talk to me, but I guess to make me blush in front of my client. The conversation didn’t last long, but she did ask me what I most wanted when I saw her again. I suggested she meet me at Kings Cross Station, naked and with a rose in her teeth.
Friday Night – There she was
The rose was in her teeth and she was wearing the pinkest macintosh you ever saw. Oh, and espadrilles (remember them?). I spotted her at 100 paces. And, at 20 paces I was certain she must either be wearing a skirt that was much shorter than any i’d seen her wear before or…
She would be my first and future s – but it was a rocky road getting there, more of which anon.
You’ve guessed. She was. And i wanted to get home fast. But, she absolutely insisted we go for a drink in the pub round the corner first…. I’ll draw a veil over the rest. But, it was a rermarkable weekend. I took her out for a curry on Sunday night before heading back to get ready for an early train to York (or it may have been Leeds). I told her I’d been truly gobsmacked by the pink mac incident. She was arch, she said she knew. I asked her why: She said “Because you asked me to. And, If I can, I will do anything you ask of me”. At the time I found this scary. I did not see a D/s dimension in it. Neither of us had, up to now mentioned the L word – I thought that was what she was working up to and I made my excuses and left. It was only quite a lot later that I understood that she knew what she wanted from a relationship and was trying to work out if she could get it from me.
There are times when I give the girl a good whacking for my entertainment and she takes satisfaction in that: We call that play. Wikipedia defines it thus:
Play is a term employed in psychology and ethology to describe a range of voluntary, intrinsically motivated activities normally associated with recreational pleasure and enjoyment. Play is most commonly associated with children and their juvenile-level activities, but play can also be a useful adult activity, and occurs among other higher-functioning animals as well.
There are times when she is a bit naughty. I spank her. That is punishment of a sort. Wikipedia says this of punishment:
Punishment is the authoritative imposition of something negative or unpleasant on a person, animal, organization or entity in response tobehavior deemed unacceptable by an individual, group or other entity
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
There are rarer times when something hurtful has passed between us and something that hurts helps mend things. That is punishment too. Rather more intense, serious and upsetting to both.
For us, play is joyful: punishment is anything but.
All this is consensual, she lets me do this to her. But that doesn’t make it something she volunteers for. Our dynamic, and the limit it is controlled by, means she has given informed consent to me playing with her, within our limits, when I want and punishing her, within our limits, when i find it necessary. Both things feel real to us and, I believe, to many others, whether they are in long-term relationships or not.
I find it very difficult to think of anything as punishment if it leaves the punished person with a sense of joyful satisfaction. That’s play – and there is nothing wrong with that. But punishment’s satisfaction is in forgiveness and atonement, and not in the physical or mental stimulation of the thing for its own sake.
When I spank her for something trivial it’s quite often quite gleeful for me. Not for her though (and this is the weird-but-important-to-us bit): She reacts quite differently to spankings of similar intensity depending whether it is punishment or play. The head space is different: she is genuinely remorseful and requires comforting, in the case of a punishment. She is quite smiley and proud of taking what I dish out if I whack her just because I want to.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Of course, you run the risk of inadvertently making her smile by imposing a penalty she rather likes. But, you can usually find something they won’t love (or that they love to hate) and use that when punishment must be given. YKIOK (Your kink is okay), but my kink, if it is one, would be to make sure that, if real punishment is required (something rare – I’ve not done it this year, I don’t think), that it was something that provided no comfort or satisfaction other than that experienced in atonement and forgiveness.
I think you can draw the distinction between BDSM play and BDSM punishment in pretty much every BDSM transaction from a long-term loving D/s or M/s relationship to a one-off interaction at a club (and everything in between): If it’s enjoyable to both parties, it’s play. If it’s being done to in response to something the Dom regards as wrong and it’s unpleasant to the submissive and, maybe, to the others involved, then it’s punishment, whatever it is.
The Dom’s dilemma
For us, punishment is sometimes part of a process of reconciliation and it does feel uncomfortable,
(Photo credit: Toban Black)
sometimes hateful, to me. What if I’m being genuinely unjust? I’ll hurt our relationship, maybe long-term. What if part of the fault was mine (it usually takes two to tango), then it only seems right if the punishment becomes, genuinely, something we both feel bad about. For me to enjoy it in those circumstances could be construed as me pleasing myself, and not as me taking responsibility for our relationship.
So, Play, no matter how severe, is still lovely and light and enjoyable by all. Punishment, no matter how light is something severe and serious which causes unhappiness for the dominant (and maybe his/her partner) because it is necessary, and for the submissive (or maybe both partners) in its infliction.
Making a clear distinction between the two makes it easier to explain both terms and the satisfaction experienced by BDSM people in both. My experience has been, from time to time, that trying to explain the concept of punishment as it works in my relationship ( and in others) has been undermined by the impression some have that BDSM play is the same as BDSM punishment ( as I’ve said above, we do both) and that punishment is always “just a bit of fun”.
This has led to people expressing the view to me that D/s relationships are trivial, unreal fantasies.
This is upsetting: Whilst I feel I am unlikely ever to live my BDSM D/s life discreetly but openly, I’d like that to be true for people sometime in the future.
I think it would be useful if BDSM punishment is seen as distinct from BDSM play, Almost everyone in BDSM plays. Some punish or are punished. Being aware that there is a difference gives depth to people’s views of BDSM relationships. I think that’s a good thing.
I don’t characterise my BDSM dynamic with curvy_bottom as an M/s one. She’s a submissive, not a BDSM slave. Having said that, I’ve often in the past, thought of consensual BDSM slavery as a state to which I, as the person on top, aspire.
These day’s I’m really not sure whether a BDSM slave (Master/slave or M/s) dynamic is heaven or hell for either party.
Consensual non-consent
I like the concept of consensual non-consentand wonder whether this is all that is required for someone to characterise themselves as a BDSM slave? But, as most of the people I’ve spoken to
who characterise themselves as in M/s relationships talk of ownership, possession and control, I’m unsure that, by itself, CN-C is sufficient.
There is another thing. I think I’ve seen slave type dynamics in non-BDSM relationships. I mean non-abusive ones (though I think differentiating BDSM ownership/slavery from abuse is absolutely key to gaining acceptance of this as a positive form of human relationship that can be fulfilling for both parties.
Slave-style relationships in the non-BDSM world
The non-BDSM relationships I’ve seen which seem to resemble BDSM slavery are ones where one party is very much “taken care of” by the other, who assumes responsibility for much of their life together and both parties seem very content for that to happen. It seems to me that some BDSM slave relationships are like this, but with the addition of BDSM sexual and fetish elements and without any form of disguise masking the authority aspects of the dynamic.
(Photo credit: nikiold)
Sometimes I got the feeling that a non-BDSM “slave” relationship had a less positive connotation too: The partner who was content to be dependent seemed to be more in love with the one on top, and both seemed aware of it. It was almost as if the “bottom” partner knew that, though it was unlikely, the top partner could, in extremis, walk away. That could easily be a bad, maybe abusive, thing, But I didn’t detect that – more that the senior partner was aware and had made themselves responsible for ensuring their partner had faith in them.
I haven’t seen this, I don’t think, in BDSM relationships (other than my own, even though I’m top, I do, from time to time, sense the responsibility thing from curvy_bottom, because we are in a shared relationship: she could have walked away – Iam not as good at having faith as i should be): Maybe that’s because, in a BDSM thing, a huge part of the attraction for the bottom often is that things can be done to him/her, for the satisfaction of another, that he/she doesn’t want?
Recently we have seen quite a few threads discussing definitions and meanings, I have decided to take things a little further and provide my own guide to profiles and comments you might find within!
“My role is to help you identify then stretch your limits” [Translation: limits!!….let’s just do what I like.]
“My pet, you seem to be struggling with your submission – that is a natural feeling.” [Translation: Any more smart arse back chat from you and your gone.]
“You seem troubled my pet. We should talk.” [Translation: Your sulking is giving me the shits.]
“You are so wonderfully responsive” [Translation: You wail like a banshee and move around so much I want to hit every major organ….including your brain.]
“It is only in being owned that you will ever be completely free.” [Translation: I need some idiot to give up his/her own life to wait on me hand and foot without payment.]
“I have 20 years experience” [Translation: 20 years ago I tied someone to the bed and last week I tried it again.]
“For me, the ritual of aftercare is the most important part of our scene” [Translation: Because that is when you stagger off to get me a drink.]
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
“A true Dom has humility and never stops learning.” [Translation: Yeah, so I fucked up again: don’t give me that accusing look,]
“I never, ever strike in anger.” [Translation: It just feels that way when you give me shit.]
“It is time we explored polyamory together.” [Translation: It is time I shagged other people. You can help me pick them up and be my excuse to get rid of them afterwards]
“I cannot meet you at a BDSM club because I am a very private
person.” [Translation: I cannot meet you at a BDSM club because I am a very married person.]
“I trained as a Domina in Europe in my early 20s.” [Translation: I had a kinky shag when backpacking around Europe after Uni.]
“Don’t think of it as pain. Think of it as intense sensation.” [Translation: This is going to hurt like hell, but I am almost certain that you’ll be too proud to safeword and stop the party.]
“You can only be a truly successful Dominant if you have submitted.” [Translation: I want you to sub to me, and that sounds like a legit reason, so you might actually consider it.]
“You must master your own life before you can master another’s.” [Translation: You need to have a 20-thousand square foot house and be earning at least 250k a year or the deal’s are all off. As a sub, I need to be accommodated in the style I would like to become accustomed to.]
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
“I have no limits.” [Translation: Until you go beyond what is legal so I can have you charged, convicted and sue you to live the rest of my life off the proceeds]
“That’s not a Dom–that’s a control freak.” [Translation: Get rid of that person. I wanna be your Dom.]
“All Dommes need is to find the right man.” [Translation: Cuz I’m IT!]
“You aren’t sub enough.” [Translation: I can’t handle a person with a mind of their own without resorting to cheap manipulation.]
“You’re not submissive enough.” [Translation: Because you won’t quit your management job, move across the country today and give me oral sex on the off-hand promise I might actually start a relationship with you.]
“You’re not Dominant Enough” [Translation: You’re no fun. You won’t maim me permanently and it’s always been my biggest fantasy.]
. “I’m service-oriented.” [Translation: I hope the dumb shit falls for this so i can clean their place and snoop through things.]
“I’m under consideration.” [Translation: I’m chasing someone.]
“I’ve been released.” [Translation: I’ve been dumped.]
“I am a true dom/sub.” [Translation: You’re a phony if you aren’t just like me.]
“I am a bratty sub.” [Translation: I am a pain in the arse.]
“I will bend you to my will.” [Translation: I am insane.]
“I am a submissive with slave tendencies.” [Translation: Pick me because I’m pretending to be subbier (or better) than a regular submissive.]
“I am seeking my One.” [Translation: Someone out there must have dysfunctions which are compatible with mine.]
“I’m trained.” [Translation: I will drive you nuts doing exactly what my last master wanted.]
“I am a 24/7 slave, online only.” [Translation: I am a bored housewife or married man.]
“I’m strict but fair.” [Translation: I’m always right, you’re always wrong, and I’ll beat you whenever you’re right and I don’t want to admit it.]
“I am a trainer of sluts.” [Translation: I’m looking for girls who will believe they are being “trained” when I order them to give me a blow job.]
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
“Looking for a sub/slave/girl to join us.” [Translation (when posted by a sub/slave/girl): I am much too lazy to clean the house and I need a work horse. Translation (when posted by the dominant): I need a backup fuck for when she’s mad at me. Bonus points if you’ll take my side in the argument.”
I have stopped taking votes on the first proposed definition (please see below) today and have put forward a revised definition for people’s views.
At that time votes were as follows:
I think this definition is accurate and appropriate – 76% (130 votes)
I think this definition needs further work – 24% – 39 votes
I think this definition is incorrect and/or inappropriate – 1% – I vote.
This is not a bad level of agreement, but I’d like to get something that is as widely agreed as possible. My suggestion, for voting and debate, is:
BDSM dynamic is a term for the roles consenting people adopt and the way they behave toward each other in the BDSM aspects of any relationship or scene.
Please vote on this using the poll below.
Original post and definitions,
BDSM dynamic is the way consenting people Interact within a BDSM relationship, scene or group
This definition has been prepared following discussion on this thread on the UK BDSM website, “Informed Consent“.
My original take on the word was this:
A Dynamic, in BDSM, is the term used to describe the limits to which a dominant and a submissive have given informed consent to the BDSM things that they do, either continuously or within any time limits they agree.
BDSM Artwork (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
It developed the way it did primarily because people disagreed that a dynamic could only be between a dominant and a submissive person and because many saw “dynamic” as synonymous with relationship. It hasn’t been for me, I see the dynamic as being shorthand for the BDSM and D/s things we do that are part of our relationship, but feelings were strong and I am happy to take them on board.
A dominant and submissive life 