Thank you, @totallycoverme, for this:
I think one of the first things I said to Master when I came in after my adventure with Belasarius and curvy_bottom was “I had an awesome time. Thank you so much for letting me out to do what I need to do.”
I came home all bouncy and spaced and trippy and it was important to thank Dragonfyre42 for letting me go out and get my needs met. This takes a lot of strength on his part to facilitate this – but it is all about supporting each other to do what we need to do in order to live our lives to the fullest.
It makes me a much better partner for him when I’ve been able to go out and have awesome experiences that fulfil my needs for S&M. It makes me less tetchy and grumpy and far more constructive in our D/s, M/s. O&P dynamic.
It turns out that Master had a nice night in too because he was able to catch up on an amount of telly that my shorter concentration span won’t allow for. In this respect, I am pleased that everyone concerned got something positive out of that evening. This probably goes to show that you can have D/s, M/s. O&P as a separate thing from S&M but that’s another blog all in itself.
When I am at home with Master I am his partner, lover and best friend and I massively value the input I am able to give to him in offering him my service every day.
Use me up, wear me out
When it comes to my need to feel used and useful in terms of S&M though, I am excited about what I am beginning to explore with Belasarius and curvy_bottom because I feel that they are able to give me this (or perhaps more to the point, it is about what I am able to give to them).
I had high expectations of our first play meet because it’s something we’d talked about at length and we already had a reasonable measure of each other from previous meets.
As I mentioned in my first message to Belasarius having responded to my advert:
“You both get a lot of bonus points for potential of this being possible because both Master and I know you both and enjoy talking to you both. Added to that you get even more bonus points because, from attending the O&P meetings, we have a reasonable understanding of what our main BDSM relationships are about and this will probably make it easier to take each others commitments, goals, limits and tastes into account.”
So yeah, I had a good feeling about it before it started. The journey to meet them on the day we had planned to play (as always, for want of better word) was an interesting one because with all parties being experienced in S&M and a BDSM lifestyle in general, I took it as read that if it had been discussed prior to play then it was entirely possible that it could happen.
So I was genuinely worried that I would be transported from our meeting point to our destination in the boot of a car. Because everyone involved has an interest in protocol and mental BDSM (and because I have an over-active imagination!), I kept thinking that I would step off the train and then be given the signal for me to be quiet and then escorted to the boot of their car and then blindfolded once inside our destination and told to undress before stepping further. I genuinely believed that this would happen exactly like this. I’m relieved to say that in this instance I was pleased to find that there is luckily a gap between my overactive imagination and the pleasant reality of what actually happened in that I was greeted and transported in a friendly and welcoming way.
In using public transport to get to our meeting point, my mind was really quite wondering and nervous because as much as I was looking forward to being of service and use before a scene, I think when two or more experienced BDSM people meet up to play there is always that unspoken open-mindedness that the gently-gently approach may not be necessary.
I was appreciative of distractions on my commute. This included a fair few drunk people, general busyness and the fact that I was blasting some happy hardcore music through my earphones. I always get a bit nervous before a scene (I’d be concerned if I wasn’t to be honest). It’s like a nervous excitement and a feeling of “omg what am I doing”. It’s nice. I think I’d miss these feelings and feel concerned that in their absence things would feel too mundane and predictable. Overall as someone who needs a good head f**k, I feel that things were, so far, as I wanted them to be.
Minding my language
You’ll notice that I made the effort to censor typing a swearword because we had previously discussed that I absolutely must not swear because Belasarius doesn’t like swear words and for a fair enough reason too. For me this is massively challenging because, when not in the workplace and talking like a real person in a relaxed and colloquial way I am very sweary. I do it if I feel anything from angry to excited, passionate to nervous.
I found it genuinely challenging to not swear and I still cringe at this because I absolutely said that I would not swear when in their company and I think that my swearing (even if it was in nervous excitement) let me down a bit.
I am entirely going to work on that because I think it’s important to use a language around people that is reasonable and respectful within what they expect of you whether it’s a BDSM thing or not, especially if they’re being so nice to you in other ways.
Which leads me to the next part of this write up…once taken into a room where the lovely curvy_bottom helped me to undress and gave me lots of lovely reassurance and the comfort of some nice fluffy slippers to wear, I found myself taken into the kitchen and offered a drink. Out of general shyness I kept using my hands to cover my taboo areas but I soon found myself with my hands cuffed behind my back. I was only able to consume my drink by the two of them taking turns in angling it in a way that I could sip from the glass in a totally dependant way. As subtle as this sounds, I found it very humbling and mind blowing to experience being this dependant on others in order to be able to do something as simple as having a drink. This really heightened my headspace for what was to follow.
After this that I found myself sat on the lounge floor whilst listening to the plan for the evening and how I would be useful to them both. When someone is telling you all this stuff that they’re going to enjoy doing to you on the one hand it’s important to be attentive, when not having played before, but on the other hand you’re feeling pretty darn excited all whilst riding a wave of healthy nervousness too. So. yeah. that was good.
I was immensely honoured to be shown little bits of the book that they keep to make notes of ideas and approaches to protocol and all that good stuff. I think it’s always nice when people introduce you to little interesting snippets of their world like that.
I was even more honoured to be presented with my own little book to write things down in. The purpose of this will be to write notes about general and high protocol and what is expected of me in those instances.
I have yet to do this because it is ultra important for me to do it well and neatly and accurately.
I’m very excited about it though because what is special about Belasarius and curvy_bottom is that they enjoy a level of protocol that falls extremely in line with the sort of thing I’ve always wanted to explore but is sadly so niche that I have yet to experience it to the extents that I so desire.
I guess you could say that maybe I’ve just been given the keys to a car that I’ve always been keen to drive in this respect.
After bringing myself to kneel down to eat the sweet little cake chopped into dog bowl friendly pieces for the sake of energy levels, the evening flowed in a severely pleasant way and I feel that everyone got their needs met.
Pain and recovery
It was so sweet how curvy_bottom held me and I could feel her emotions as she empathised with the pain I was taking and it gave me a lot of pleasure to be able to accept the pain that Belasarius wanted to give me.
After losing track of time with this continued sort of thing, I found myself tucked up in bed eating olives, hummus, leaves and falafel and having a good chat about cheese and other stuff.
It was ultra good.
I’ve got round to writing about all this three days after it happened because give or take a bit that’s how long it has taken me to finish riding my nice little floaty wave and because I was asked to write this blog (much as I’d have probably wanted to do it anyway), I wanted to write it in a way that did it more justice than just blurting out a plethora of giddiness while still riding that big first wave.
I don’t like to be too forward but I am definitely looking forward to next time in a tremendous way.
Between now and then I look forward to writing in my nice little book (thank you again for that!), getting used to removing the swear words from my colloquial mode of speech and becoming more familiar with the protocols that I am looking forward to embracing to heighten the level of service and usefulness that I hope to give.