Sometimes that does make me wonder whether I really do own her submission (If I felt I didn’t I’d be on the floor in a heap). I do tend to be a me of little faith, no matter how hard I try :(.
But, as ever, little things make all the difference.
Me:”Would you like to see Film XXXXX this afternoon?, it’s got great reviews”
She (without enthusiasm):”Probably from teenage boys, but – yeah – ok”
Me: “You’re going to go with hubby aren’t you? it’s his sort of movie”.
She: “I’d rather stick pins in my eyes. I told him if he wanted to see it he could go on his own”.
Me:”But you’d go with me?”
She: “Of course, if it’s what you want to see”.
Just a small understanding. Keeps the mojo turning.
It has many negative connotations for women of my generation, of course… but it doesn’t feel quite the same when he explains. Perhaps it is because it is not a matter of being “only” a sex object. It is about being his, about being wanted, available, and loved.
The availability issue is interesting too – it isn’t about non-consent or feeling abused, or “taken”, more to do with feeling wanted and welcoming, It feels special for us that he is
never made to feel that he needs to seek permission each time, that he has no need to resort to ‘DIY’ and that he finds me ready and willing.
How much this reflects our D/s dynamic and how much it arises from our caring about one another is not altogether clear. As so often is the way, it may be a mixture of both.
Originally posted to Informed Consent, February 2010
The blog below was first posted on the UK-based BDSM website, informed consent – at the time of writing due to close between 17 and 24 February 2013. It will be much missed by many.
I owe a lot to IC, and this, my 5,000th post there, tried to express a little of what IC had done for me – not the least of which was to help me find my girl
IC helped me change my life.
Informed Consent (Photo credit: Kevin Krejci)
When I joined IC, I was in the 12th year of a marriage that should not have lasted that long. I was a devoted father and an abused husband.
It seemed it was escapism that brought me here – desire to recapture something healthier, if less conventional, that I’d shared years before. Certainly, at first, I kidded myself I just wanted vicarious satisfaction – to look, but not to live it.
Thinking back, it seems it was actually my very first step toward escaping my marriage, and getting back myself – and my family – and finding someone who cares for me.
There’s a lot I regret about the time since, but I have no regrets about where I find myself now.
I have a lover who is my partner. Is she my submissive? Yes. Is that important? Yes, vital – but not in the way I expected it to be. I have been here before in some ways, many years ago, when I lucked into my second serious relationship – also my first D/s one. That first time, we both wanted everything and, for a time, that’s what we thought we had.
We were both young. Everything was ahead of us then, whereas now, I have as much of a past behind me as there is a future still to come. That past is part of me and I’ve no desire to leave it behind.
For c_b and me, things are different. Both she and I have rich pasts. Neither she nor I are in a position to give the other everything even though it always feels that we do. I have my children – and leaving their home and my marriage saved my relationship with them. Since, it has strengthened immeasurably.
C_b has her marriage and the life she has built with her husband in over 20 years of life together.
We have our relationship: as lovers, as friends, as partners. And we have our dynamic.
I’ve thought more and more about this dynamic and how it makes our relationship possible, and I am afraid I have few answers. I possess her when she is with me and there is a vital part of her (her submission) that is always only mine.
Neither of us considers the other of less than equal worth or inferior in any way. I love her more completely than I have any other and, for a long time, I considered that, in the context of the kind of relationship I needed (a D/s one) ,this made me inferior – because I worried that c_b could live without me much more easily than I could without her.
We each decided – twice – that love was not enough and that our futures could not lie together. But, now – and, I hope, until she buries me, or I her – we are a tough little partnership with a real prospect of continued success.
Of course, all the best love stories are tragedies, so I am not going to promise myself that this will last forever, but I’m sure, right now, that both of us aim to try.
At the moment, I think that if there is a secret to what we have achieved so far, it is in something that could apply to any couple – but which, for me and for her, has been made easier by a D/s dynamic.
We’re hard work. Both of us.
Not to others, I hope, but certainly to each other. Because we concentrate on each other. Because we try to put the other person first. I’d thought this was only possible in a D/s relationship and have often said so here. I now think I was blinkered and that it is possible for anyone – but I think our D/s natures make it possible for c_b and myself.
An example. c_b hardly ever asks for anything or tells me what she likes or wants. It’s something that just happened and it’s something that we’ve only really talked about recently. But, she always accepts my decision or my choice. It reinforces my D mojo because, in a shared relationship, there is much I can’t be responsible for. But, I want c_b to want me and to welcome what I do with or to her. So, I watch hard to see what makes her feel great, whether because she takes a genuine pleasure in pleasing me or if it is just something that makes her feel good. (Rope, anyone?)
This often leaves me puzzled. If all she wants is my pleasure, then what – really – is in it for her? Well – just that. When she thinks she’s pleased me more than she ever has before, when she thinks she’s amazed me, she feels great. And, sometimes, that’s when I wonder who has the whip hand – because she’s grinning and proud because of the way she’s made me feel and all I can be is amazed at what she’s done for me.
But I know she wouldn’t want to be the best she can be for me if she did not genuinely feel she could offer me her submission. It hasn’t happened just because I am dominant and she is submissive and we get on with each other. It did not happen because we fell in love. It happened because I gained her respect and she desired to give me authority to look after her and to use her. And, I know that if either of us lose that respect for the other, it’s over.
She is in all of my life – not a D/s compartment. c_b knows my children and the rest of my family, my workmates and other friends. She’s seen me through times when I nearly made some bad decisions and been a critical friend when I’ve needed one. It may be “My man – right or wrong” to the world (and often to me), but when I need it she’s right there with the tough love.
And now, a confession: without the community that IC has helped create I am sure our relationship would have had a much rougher time thriving.
We made friends (one especially important but no longer with us – Mrs_Smith) who helped us across the roughest parts of our path so far. We began to understand who we are by posting and talking and meeting people. Even the criticism we got made us stronger by helping us see outside ourselves and to understand who we could be, whilst respecting others’ points of view.
We found people who understood how we wanted to live and didn’t judge us for our failure to be conventional – but who would, by encouragement or criticism, help us feel even more special to each other.
I’ve no idea what the future holds. I just know that, when I joined IC, I never dared look ahead. Things looked black and IC felt like somewhere I could be me, for an hour or two each day.
Now, looking back, even my worst times have been made less frightening by the woman who holds my hand. And the future looks like a place I shouldn’t be afraid to go, if she’ll walk with me.
She moans that she has “Noooooooo privacy” – and that she has no rights. And she maintains that I am as owned as she. Secretly (ok – not so secretly now) I agree. I am captivated by my captive.
Here are some thoughts, connected only by theme:
The other night we had a long conversation about why my non-BDSM marriage was not as successful or satisfying to me (though it lasted longer) than my previous M/s relationship. First, I think my marriage was a mistake held together by children (who are not, never were and never shall be any sort of error – they are loved without limits and I am completely content to accept my responsibility for them). Then, I think my M/s relationship was happy because I never had any doubt that she was less than completely focussed on me – or I on her. When that changed, it failed.
Then we were going out to a posh frock do. She brought several with her, for her to choose. She didn’t: I did. Then, she dithered over “stockings or legs”. I chose legs. On the way to the supper we discussed this. She agreed she was used to parading options and asking DMBLBIT, etc – and that being told what she will wear, and being confident that I do it because I think she looks fantastic, was an immense relief. But – it would not have been if she thought I had other than her best interests at heart. Dressing her for dogging or munching is, of course, quite different. Oh, and she buys my ties…
I am bullying her incessantly about losing weight on her tummy – and she is obdurate in insisting I get to the dentist. Neither of us resents the other in doing this – we are taking responsibility for the other’s welfare.
She knows I want her to be the best she can be for me – and that I define what that means. She stretches to meet my standards and delights in pleasing me, because she knows she is cared for and need never worry about being put in a position that she resents – because I concentrate on knowing her.
I feel great. So, I think, does she.
Who wants non-BDSM? Not I.
Originally posted to “Informed Consent”, 30 June 2009.
“Okay, here goes. I am not going to go into the ins and outs of c_b’s marriage – that’s their affair. I will try to look at the concepts of ownership and possesion in these circumstances.
The first thing to say is that both he and I love her and that she loves us. The love isn’t apportioned. We both get all of it, just as a parent does with children.
If the love did not exist, then what has happened to the three of us would not be possible.
First it took time – roughly three years between our first meeting and her declaring herself to be a possession. Even when we dedicated ourselves on black pudding day we still agreed she was not possessed (no exorcist cracks please).
Next, our dynamic (which is distinct but inseparable from our love) has evolved slowly. She determines what is included in it (she gives informed consent) and I determine all that happens within the dynamic, she has no veto.
Our dynamic has always been based on the fact that once something has been agreed her submission, in that area, is total. I believe this is important to her feeling of posession.
Now, the fact is I have had a long term O&P relationship before and she has a deep need to submit (not just to have scene time with a Dom – she has tried that and it did not compute). Her husband could not do this for her and she was as driven and as unhappy as I was (My problem was I was without someone to take responsibility for).
Please understand that our life together has real depth. it is a sharing.
Getting to that has had its challenges but I have, to all intents and purposes, half her life and we live it as any couple would do, except that we do it entirely within our D/s dynamic.
And, we do our damndest to be different. I take responsibility, I decide and I adore: She serves and is the best she can be, for me.
Spending time apart means we don’t need time off. This helps the feeling of possesion too. In fact, it feels more intense than my previous fulltime O&P relationship (and I know about intensity).
So, I don’t own her, but when she is with me I possess her. And (you are getting no more details) there are some areas of her life I own, just as there are things that belong in her other life but impact on our life together.
Her life with her husband involves no submission and no aspects of ownership and possession.
Then, our relationship is highly ritualised. It is probably never less than medium protocol at any time. This makes it entirely different from life in her other home and because she is so obviously a possession when she is with me it has become true for us.
What has emerged is one wonderful woman with two lives, lived with energy and dedication.
And two happy men (mostly – there will always be challenges).
Best to all.”
Originally posted to “Informed Consent”, 15 June 2010.
I’ve a particular view, which I bang on about regularly, about what submission means to me, and my girl.
I build up a head of steam on this so often that I thought I’d blog.
We love each other and we set this relationship in the framework of a D/s dynamic.
She shares her life with me and with her husband (a non-D/s setting).
Her submission is mine alone (and we are generally fairly medium-to-high protocol when we are together – made easier, we think, by the fact we spend half our lives apart).
We regard ourselves as equal in value but opposite in orientation and consider our roles to be to focus on the other person in the manner which that half of the D/s orientation demands.
cuffed I B&W (Photo credit: sweethell)
So, I try to take responsibility for her and she aims to serve me.
We have hard limits, but within those I act at will and she does not ask for anything she might desire. I provide it, or not, at my discretion.
What we do when we play is my choice, not hers.
This feels real to us.
Recently, we’ve had the opportunity to play with someone and I proposed that, when the playmate is with us for play she should not ask for anything nor be expected to take any decisions about what might be done to her (within her limits). So far this has worked and this feels real too.
Originally from Informed Consent, 16 December 2011
“To be thrilled at the touch of leather, aroused by the sound of harsh words, or satisfied by the security of rigid bondage is the mark of a lover.
“To be thrilled at the opportunity to provide useful service, aroused by a pleased nod, and satisfied by the proverbial job well done, is the mark of a slave.
“It may sound severe. Almost anti-erotic. Until you see two people, owner and owned, existing in a complementary relationship where each suits the other like balances on a delicate scale. Until you feel the energy of their rapport, you cannot understand how they fulfil each other, take and give in ways no negotiation could possibly express.”
This is the latest of my proposed definitions of BDSM terms.
My aim is to create debate and, if possible (it may not be) to get consensus on what these terms mean to most people. Why? Because I think it helps us communicate effectively and it helps people new to the scene to understand what we mean.
Painting of S/M sexuality (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I think that we often do the same things in BDSM but with different motivations. Certainly there are times when I confine, restrain or hurt my partner just for our mutual enjoyment. But, there are also times when I do more or less the same things to her but because there has been an issue between us and, in our dynamic, the issue has to be resolved (at least partly) by punishment that reinforces our roles in the relationship.
If the crime is small, then it can be a swift and sometimes tongue-in-cheek response: If it’s an issue between us then it is the fitting culmination of the process of dispute resolution. But it always feels completely different from the things we do to make each other feel great – even if they are the same things…
So, here is my first stab at a definition:
BDSM Punishment is the use of any BDSM practice but not for the mutual pleasure of both parties. BDSM partners use BDSM punishment to reinforce their dynamic and their roles in the relationship.
Back in October I designed a poll on safewords and more than eighty people then on Informed Consent did a pilot version. I’ve taken their comments into account and have now published it on survey monkey, here.
The survey takes less than five minutes, is anonymous, and you get to see the results as soon as you finish the last question.
I am incredibly grateful to all who took part in the pilot and to all who take part now.
When I have a couple of hundred responses, I will publish the results on this blog and link to them from fetbook and fetlife.
She has me, and her husband. We share her.
A dominant and submissive life 