My first understanding of nadu was that it was for the purpose of the submissive showing themselves to be available to serve. It also had a humiliating aspect to it for someone who doesn‘t like to be exposed and is not an exhibitionist (that‘ll be me then!). My initial thoughts and ideas turned out true but I also experienced some unexpected feelings and ideas once I was putting it into practice.
A cushion was put on the floor for me in the corner of the room and I was asked to perform nadu. I began, even then with an amount of reluctance, by showing the kneeling position that I was most familiar with through previous experience: I knelt with my knees closed together, my hands behind my back and my head down. As a shy person I find this the easiest way to kneel and I wanted to offer this as a first option to see if this would be satisfactory. Once in this position I was told that I knew that this was not nadu. I was to do it properly.
I open my legs to be told that they need to be as wide apart as they can be. Then I place my hands on my knees with palms facing upwards. So far this is mortifying but not unbearable.The real difficulty came in being told to put my head up.
Being asked to put my head up takes away my remaining element of privacy and this makes it a big deal.
Keeping my head down allows me to focus on the floor and hide my embarrassment (perhaps even an amount of shame that I can‘t quite put my finger on). As soon as I have to put my head up all of that final bit of dignity feels like it is no longer there. That‘s actually quite a hard pill to swallow because it takes away that little bit of peace and privacy that you can hold onto whilst keeping your head down.
I eventually did put my head up because I don‘t think that it is good service to keep someone waiting and having to repeat their instruction to you. Once my head was up it took a lot of persistence on my part not to keep dropping it back down.
It feels so exposing and squirmy when you realise that you‘re kneeling with your legs apart offering your submission so physically blatantly. When in this situation I didn‘t know where to look because I kept giggling and squirming and cringing and urgh! It was really difficult I can tell you! I was so grateful when I was told that I could close my eyes because it helped me to calm down and focus and it made the nadu position more about the people I was doing it for rather than my own discomfort with it and I think this is important.
I was then instructed to adopt the position of Sula and I think that strangely this came as a bit of a relief although I was still too focussed on my own embarrassment to go from one position to another in a way that was graceful and pleasing (I must work on that). The Sula position was required for functional reasons that lead to more things which lead to more things.
Whilst curvy_bottom was preparing for something that was to follow, Belasarius asked me whether I was doing anything and seeing that I wasn‘t doing anything, what should I be doing? (kind of like when someone catches you messing about when you‘re supposed to be working). I quickly remembered that when not serving in a directly active way that I need to be in nadu and got into the position there on the spot. It came quicker and more naturally this time but I still felt myself squeezing my eyes closed together much more so than had I simply been relaxed and asleep.
Pride in service
Later on that evening I found myself doing nothing in particular and I used my initiative to drop into nadu rather than awkwardly standing trying to cover myself again (ha!). I was pleased that I was picking it up because this was met with a very happy reaction from Belasarius. I think this is the first instance in which performing nadu gave me a sense of pride which took my focus away from feeling embarrassed so that was nice.
In this moment I gained a glimpse of what it could be to use nadu in a proud way rather than feel humiliated by it.
I hope I will be able to understand the importance of using nadu to take pride in my submission rather than feel exposed and humiliated by it. I think this will probably take some time based on how I‘m wired but overall it is important to me to make my service about what I can offer rather than obsessing about whether I feel humiliated or exposed by something or not. Maybe I‘ll always feel this way about some things but that isn‘t enough of a reason not to try to do it well.
I was also pleased to observe that when wearing ankle cuffs, the closest thing to nadu for comfort in that context is to cross my legs at the front in order to stop the pressure of the cuffs digging into my legs too much.
So that, ladies and gentlemen, is my first experience of performing nadu. Going forward I want to improve on doing it with grace and certainty regardless of how I feel. I think it is a valuable and useful concept and a challenging and worthwhile thing to work on.
I would love to be able to do it immediately without having to be told. I would take so much pride in that. I think a key thing that I have picked up from nadu so far is that taking pride in giving service should come before focussing on whether you feel humiliated or not. I think pride in service is so important because it‘s about pushing yourself to offer as much as you possibly can. I like this. Nadu makes sense to me in this respect.
I should also add that I was asked to take the whipping position in order to receive a paddle once on each cheek for failing to do something that was asked of me prior to meeting. I knew that this punishment was coming. It was both expected and deserved and I felt that the position was suitable and effective in being able to offer myself for what was deserved. I like that the whipping position is not dependant on furniture or any paraphernalia at all in order for punishment to be given or pleasure to be taken. I would say that the whipping position is constructive in being able to offer service.
Also, I‘ve been telling Master (Dragonfyre42) about how embarrassed I was to perform nadu and it made him giggle because he said that I even sounded embarrassed describing it to him and the fact that I did it. Wow!
All the blogs on our new journey are here.