Disappointment vs anger: rite of passage

286723What’s worse? Doing something stupid & thoughtless and making him angry? or doing something stupid and thoughtless & hearing THAT tone in his voice: you have failed to meet the standards he expects and he is disappointed.

The punishment is swift and not hugely severe – but every stroke feels like a hundred and the tears are not from the pain but from the fear.

Fear that he will decide that I am not worth working at, not worth the effort: after all, why should

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he bother if I am not prepared to make a proper contribution to the dynamic? Why should he persist, if his requirements are over-ridden?

And suddenly it becomes real – rules are rules, and infringements will have consequences.

And it’s a rite of passage, that tiny yet monstrous step into the the D/s unknown that accepts the first rule. That he has been given, and will take, the right to decide what is important. Talk the talk, even write down the rules – but if it is to mean anything, it must also be real.

I don’t learn easily at times, but I think I have learned this lesson the hard way today.

From my Informed Consent blog. March ’08