Perfection

BelasariusI posted this as a thread on Informed Consent  on 12 February 08. C_b was just a twinkle in the eye.

 

I thought it defined aspects of what I saw then as submissive perfection so closely that it was worth putting here: C_B has brought her own brand of perfection, but refleting much of what I thought i wanted too.

 

Perfection: a dangerous subject: first because it doesn’t exist and secondly, because writing about it might make some think that one won’t settle for anything other. Finally, because a post like this (seriously but lightheartedly meant) is likely to attract comments that range from the witty to the sarcastic. Still, my shoulders are broad.

 

Screenshot of Audrey Hepburn from the film Charade
Screenshot of Audrey Hepburn from the film Charade (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

I am risking the post, however, because I think a person’s vision of perfection at least gives other people an idea of how the author’s mind works – and that may be useful.

 

So, here’s my vision of subly perfection – I’ve thought about it and I suspect I’m about to expose myself as the stereotypical male Dom. Here goes:

 

She’s proud of herself and likes to make me proud of her too – she strives to excel in all aspects of her life and service.

 

She knows her limits but wants to be eased (sometimes cajoled) beyond them

 

She desires her limits and wants rules and rituals to reinforce them

 

She expects respect – and shows respect

 

She sees her submission as part of all of her life and not just a sub set of it

 

She gains my attention through her behaviour – but never asks for my attention

 

She revels in praise, but accepts that punishment is a vital part of dispute resolution

 

She wants me to want to show her off – and her dress, grooming, deportment and behaviour reflect this at all times

 

She expects to be protected and adored and is not afraid to expose her vulnerabilities (to me) to achieve this

 

Betty Page
Betty Page (Photo credit: Tanya Dawn)

 

She expects to support and nourish me – and thus I am unafraid to expose my vulnerabilities, when I feel them

 

She appreciates formality and can associate it with intimacy, not aloofness

 

She has strongly held views and expects to express them, in a respectful context.

 

The maturity to accept there will be differences and the attitude and desire to overcome them (an addition courtesy of BearofTwo)

 

She delights in delivering her curtsey.

 

If Betty Page and Audrey Hepburn had had a daughter together – she’d be her

 

Possessiveness and Protectiveness (and she’s MINE!)

BelasariusMy girl is my possession. But sometimes she can’t quite understand my possessiveness.

Why, she says, should I be possessive when I know, as night follows day, that she is mine? She has a point. But it won’t stop me.

Doms foolish enough to approach her on IC ( not many these days – in fact none for a while) get a dusty answer. Get stuck with a single D at a munch ( even the nicest of chaps) and she gets told to circulate.

It’s not, I tell myself, a lack of trust in her or a lack of maturity in me.

No, it’s that she’s mine, mine, mine and she’s worth having. And I like the world to know she’s mine. And, most of all, I like her to know she’s mine and guarded. Protected. I am her rutting stag.

I am protective too. Even when I hurt her, I take pains not to harm her and, after, I cherish her and again feel she is mine.

She has a protective/possessive streak as well.I am her man right or wrong. In public at least. On our own, I do get given advice. Quite often – and quite clearly – actually.

The protectiveness we feel extends beyond ourselves. It’s, maybe, a weakness. We both move to protect friends, even when they don’t need protecting. It’s not such a great weakness I guess, as long as we are aware of it: Possessiveness, outside our own relationship, would be.

I’ve been around long enough in the D/s community to see that what goes around, comes around more often than it did in the life experienced outside BDSM.

We are a small, sexually focused, community. Relationships can mean more than couples. Many people play together who have little else in common besides BDSM. People play together who are good friends and who see this as nothing more than friendship.

Possessiveness, in these circumstances, is a poison that could quickly make it difficult to remain friends with anyone you liked. Taking sides in relationship break- ups would do it too. But unwise possessiveness means it is impossible to maintain an equable chumminess with someone who was your playmate and has moved on or found others to play with.

So. I won’t ever deny my protectiveness. But I’ll do all I can to curb my possessiveness. Except in the case of c_b, of course. She’s mine, mine, mine.

BDSM Punishment; BDSM Play – and Play Punishment

standing stoneThere are times when I give the girl a good whacking for my entertainment and she takes satisfaction in that: We call that play. Wikipedia defines it thus:

Play is a term employed in psychology and ethology to describe a range of voluntaryintrinsically motivated activities normally associated with recreational pleasure and enjoyment. Play is most commonly associated with children and their juvenile-level activities, but play can also be a useful adult activity, and occurs among other higher-functioning animals as well.

There are times when she is a bit naughty. I spank her. That is punishment of a sort. Wikipedia says this of punishment:

Punishment is the authoritative imposition of something negative or unpleasant on a person, animal, organization or entity in response tobehavior deemed unacceptable by an individual, group or other entity

Punishment Chair
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There are rarer times when something hurtful has passed between us and something that hurts helps mend things. That is punishment too. Rather more intense, serious and upsetting to both.

For us, play is joyful: punishment is anything but.

All this is consensual, she lets me do this to her. But that doesn’t make it something she volunteers for. Our dynamic, and the limit it is controlled by, means she has given informed consent to me playing with her, within our limits, when I want and punishing her, within our limits, when i find it necessary. Both things feel real to us and, I believe, to many others, whether they are in long-term relationships or not.

BDSM Punishment

I find it very difficult to think of anything as punishment if it leaves the punished person with a sense of joyful satisfaction. That’s play – and there is nothing wrong with that. But punishment’s satisfaction is in forgiveness and atonement, and not in the physical or mental stimulation of the thing for its own sake.

When I spank her for something trivial it’s quite often quite gleeful for me. Not for her though (and this is the weird-but-important-to-us bit): She reacts quite differently to spankings of similar intensity depending whether it is punishment or play. The head space is different: she is genuinely remorseful and requires comforting, in the case of a punishment. She is quite smiley and proud of taking what I dish out if I whack her just because I want to.

English: The old stocks at Chapeltown.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Of course, you run the risk of inadvertently making her smile by imposing a penalty she rather likes. But, you can usually find something they won’t love (or that they love to hate) and use that when punishment must be given. YKIOK (Your kink is okay), but my kink, if it is one, would be to make sure that, if real punishment is required (something rare – I’ve not done it this year, I don’t think), that it was something that provided no comfort or satisfaction other than that experienced in atonement and forgiveness.

I think you can draw the distinction between BDSM play and BDSM punishment in pretty much every BDSM transaction from a long-term loving D/s or M/s relationship to a one-off interaction at a club (and everything in between): If it’s enjoyable to both parties, it’s play. If it’s being done to in response to something the Dom regards as wrong and it’s unpleasant to the submissive and, maybe, to the others involved, then it’s punishment, whatever it is.

The Dom’s dilemma

For us, punishment is sometimes part of a process of reconciliation and it does feel uncomfortable,

Punishment
(Photo credit: Toban Black)

sometimes hateful, to me. What if I’m being genuinely unjust? I’ll hurt our relationship, maybe long-term. What if part of the fault was mine (it usually takes two to tango), then it only seems right if the punishment becomes, genuinely, something we both feel bad about. For me to enjoy it in those circumstances could be construed as me pleasing myself, and not as me taking responsibility for our relationship.

So, Play, no matter how severe, is still lovely and light and enjoyable by all. Punishment, no matter how light is something severe and serious which causes unhappiness for the dominant (and maybe his/her partner) because it is necessary, and for the submissive (or maybe both partners) in its infliction.

Making a clear distinction between the two makes it easier to explain both terms and the satisfaction experienced by BDSM people in both. My experience has been, from time to time, that trying to explain the concept of punishment as it works in my relationship ( and in others) has been undermined by the impression some have that BDSM play is the same as BDSM punishment ( as I’ve said above, we do both) and that punishment is always “just a bit of fun”.

This has led to people expressing the view to me that D/s relationships are trivial, unreal fantasies.

This is upsetting: Whilst I feel I am unlikely ever  to live my BDSM D/s  life discreetly but openly, I’d like that to be true for people sometime in the future.

I think it would be useful if BDSM punishment is seen as distinct from BDSM play, Almost everyone in BDSM plays. Some punish or are punished. Being aware that there is a difference gives depth to people’s views of BDSM relationships. I think that’s a good thing.

You can read the definition of BDSM punishment I’ve developed, with the help of of others, and vote and comment on it here.

Consensual Slavery.

 

BelasariusI don’t characterise my BDSM dynamic with curvy_bottom as an M/s one. She’s a submissive, not a BDSM slave. Having said that, I’ve often in the past, thought of consensual BDSM slavery as a state to which I, as the person on top, aspire.

 

These day’s I’m really not sure whether a BDSM slave (Master/slave or M/s) dynamic is heaven or hell for either party.

 

Consensual non-consent

 

I like the concept of consensual non-consentand wonder whether this is all that is required for someone to characterise themselves as a BDSM slave? But, as most of the people I’ve spoken to

 

Ball gag

 

who characterise themselves as in M/s relationships talk of ownership, possession and control, I’m unsure that, by itself, CN-C is sufficient.

 

There is another thing. I think I’ve seen slave type dynamics in non-BDSM relationships. I mean non-abusive ones (though I think differentiating BDSM ownership/slavery from abuse is absolutely key to gaining acceptance of this as a positive form of human relationship that can be fulfilling for both parties.

 

Slave-style relationships in the non-BDSM world

 

The non-BDSM relationships I’ve seen which seem to resemble BDSM slavery are ones where one party is very much “taken care of” by the other, who assumes responsibility for much of their life together and both parties seem very content for that to happen. It seems to me that some BDSM slave relationships are like this, but with the addition of BDSM sexual and fetish elements and without any form of disguise masking the authority aspects of the dynamic.

 

BDSM ?
(Photo credit: nikiold)

 

Sometimes I got the feeling that a non-BDSM “slave” relationship had a less positive connotation too: The partner who was content to be dependent seemed to be more in love with the one on top, and both seemed aware of it. It was almost as if the “bottom” partner knew that, though it was unlikely, the top partner could, in extremis, walk away. That could easily be a bad, maybe abusive, thing, But I didn’t detect that – more that the senior partner was aware and had made themselves responsible for ensuring their partner had faith in them.

 

I haven’t seen this, I don’t think, in BDSM relationships (other than my own, even though I’m top, I do, from time to time, sense the responsibility thing from curvy_bottom, because we are in a shared relationship: she could have walked away – Iam not as good at having faith as i should be): Maybe that’s because, in a BDSM thing, a huge part of the attraction for the bottom often is that things can be done to him/her, for the satisfaction of another, that he/she doesn’t want?

 

This is a bit of a ramble. What do YOU think?

 

 

 

Northern lady’s BDSM Translator

Reposted by kind permission of northernlady22 from the UK’s Informed Consent website

Recently we have seen quite a few threads discussing definitions and meanings, I have decided to take things a little further and provide my own guide to profiles and comments you might find within!

The D/s (full of shit) Translator:

  1. English: A woman flogging a submissive man on ...
    (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

    “My role is to help you identify then stretch your limits” [Translation: limits!!….let’s just do what I like.]

  2.  “My pet, you seem to be struggling with your submission – that is a natural feeling.” [Translation: Any more smart arse back chat from you and your gone.]
  3. “You seem troubled my pet. We should talk.” [Translation: Your sulking is giving me the shits.]
  4. “You are so wonderfully responsive” [Translation: You wail like a banshee and move around so much I want to hit every major organ….including your brain.]
  5.  “It is only in being owned that you will ever be completely free.” [Translation: I need some idiot to give up his/her own life to wait on me hand and foot without payment.]
  6. “I have 20 years experience” [Translation: 20 years ago I tied someone to the bed and last week I tried it again.]
  7.  “For me, the ritual of aftercare is the most important part of our scene” [Translation: Because that is when you stagger off to get me a drink.]

    Erotic illustration
    (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
  8.  “A true Dom has humility and never stops learning.” [Translation: Yeah, so I fucked up again: don’t give me that accusing look,]
  9.  “I never, ever strike in anger.” [Translation: It just feels that way when you give me shit.]
  10.  “It is time we explored polyamory together.” [Translation: It is time I shagged other people. You can help me pick them up and be my excuse to get rid of them afterwards]
  11.  “I cannot meet you at a BDSM club because I am a very private
  12. person.” [Translation: I cannot meet you at a BDSM club because I am a very married person.]
  13.  “I trained as a Domina in Europe in my early 20s.” [Translation: I had a kinky shag when backpacking around Europe after Uni.]
  14.  “Don’t think of it as pain. Think of it as intense sensation.” [Translation: This is going to hurt like hell, but I am almost certain that you’ll be too proud to safeword and stop the party.]
  15.  “You can only be a truly successful Dominant if you have submitted.” [Translation: I want you to sub to me, and that sounds like a legit reason, so you might actually consider it.]
  16.  “You must master your own life before you can master another’s.” [Translation: You need to have a 20-thousand square foot house and be earning at least 250k a year or the deal’s are all off. As a sub, I need to be accommodated in the style I would like to become accustomed to.]
  17. English: Woman standing on submissive male.
    (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

    “I have no limits.” [Translation: Until you go beyond what is legal so I can have you charged, convicted and sue you to live the rest of my life off the proceeds]

  18.  “That’s not a Dom–that’s a control freak.” [Translation: Get rid of that person. I wanna be your Dom.]
  19.  “All Dommes need is to find the right man.” [Translation: Cuz I’m IT!]
  20.  “You aren’t sub enough.” [Translation: I can’t handle a person with a mind of their own without resorting to cheap manipulation.]
  21.  “You’re not submissive enough.” [Translation: Because you won’t quit your management job, move across the country today and give me oral sex on the off-hand promise I might actually start a relationship with you.]
  22.  “You’re not Dominant Enough” [Translation: You’re no fun. You won’t maim me permanently and it’s always been my biggest fantasy.]
  23. . “I’m service-oriented.” [Translation: I hope the dumb shit falls for this so i can clean their place and snoop through things.]
  24.  “I’m under consideration.” [Translation: I’m chasing someone.]
  25. “I’ve been released.” [Translation: I’ve been dumped.]
  26.  “I am a true dom/sub.” [Translation: You’re a phony if you aren’t just like me.]
  27.  “I am a bratty sub.” [Translation: I am a pain in the arse.]
  28.  “I will bend you to my will.” [Translation: I am insane.]
  29.  “I am a submissive with slave tendencies.” [Translation: Pick me because I’m pretending to be subbier (or better) than a regular submissive.]
  30.  “I am seeking my One.” [Translation: Someone out there must have dysfunctions which are compatible with mine.]
  31.  “I’m trained.” [Translation: I will drive you nuts doing exactly what my last master wanted.]
  32.  “I am a 24/7 slave, online only.” [Translation: I am a bored housewife or married man.]
  33.  “I’m strict but fair.” [Translation: I’m always right, you’re always wrong, and I’ll beat you whenever you’re right and I don’t want to admit it.]
  34.  “I am a trainer of sluts.” [Translation: I’m looking for girls who will believe they are being “trained” when I order them to give me a blow job.]

    English: A submissive man worshipping a woman'...
    (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
  35. “Looking for a sub/slave/girl to join us.” [Translation (when posted by a sub/slave/girl): I am much too lazy to clean the house and I need a work horse. Translation (when posted by the dominant): I need a backup fuck for when she’s mad at me. Bonus points if you’ll take my side in the argument.”

Human Black Pudding – the recipe

 

BelasariusI can’t really remember how it started except that, as you do, there she was bouncing up and down and I told her she was good enough to eat (as you do). She expressed the view she’d ike to remain intact and I think I said something like “well, there is always black pudding“. I wasn’t serious. Really – I wasn’t.

But, we decided a collaring wasn’t right for us (because she is shared) and that eating each other could be a great celebration of our commitment.

I am posting this (it was formerly on Informed Consent), on 5 September 2012, the third anniversary of our black pudding day.

The recipe:

  • 70mls our own blood, mixed.
  • 1/4 onion, finely chopped
  • 150gms of suet
  • A little bacon fat, diced
  • 20ml double cream
  • 30g oatmeal, soaked overnight in spring water)
  • 25g barley, boiled in spring water for 30 minutes and cooled
  • pinch each of salt, ground coriander, black pepper and ground mace

Soften the onion in a little of the suet – make sure it does not colour. Add the rest of the suet and slowly sweat for 10 minutes.

Take the blood you need at this point. Keep it moving if you can – or it will coagulate.

Add the oatmeal and cream and cook for a few minutes – then add the rest of the ingredients and stir over a gentle heat for 5 minutes. Don’t stop stirring, be gentle. When the mixture thickens (like scrambled egg) you are ready to make the puds. It catches easily (you are making a tiny amount) so DON’T stop stirring!

Bake the puddings in ovenproof containers (we used ramekins), standing them in a larger ovenproof container half filled with water) in a low oven (150 degrees or gas mark 2) for about 60-90 minutes. The top turns black quickly – the key is that it should feel firm.

You can then cut slices and fry or bake. We fried. A picture of the finished product is on my profile.

My partner’s view

It was an amazing project, long in the planning and execution (but that was because the blood wouldn’t come out!) and yet it made a difference.

We are “blood bound” – though we sort of were already, as we’ve signed our rule book in blood and he has tasted mine after the diabetic pricker session – but I digress…

It appears that there is something quite strange about wanting to eat one another – even though we made it a bit about protocol and a bit about friends and even a bit about the recipe. We were careful and considered lots of information about the likely risks.

It was a special evening – but the breakfast was amazing. Waking to the warmth of his body, then pottering in the kitchen helping prepare mushrooms, and all the while feeling slightly floaty. It was fun, watching him – it looked like black pudding, it smelled like black pudding, it cut like black pudding (complete with little cubes of fat – though it was a healthy eating recipe!) and it tasted like a fine black pudding!

Not sure what else to say, really.

5th September is a sort of anniversary.

 

Marcus Aurelius and a basis for dominant and submissive living

standing stoneMy first (pre – curvy_bottom) D/s (maybe M/s) relationship ended more than twenty years ago, and happened  many years PI (pre-internet), so it thrived despite almost no external support.We were both undoubtedly kinky people but the lifestyle side of was definitely the most important part. In constructing the regime by which we lived I found huge help in the musings of a Roman Emperor and StoicMarcus Aurelius.

Below, I’ve put some of his thoughts accompanied by my take on them. I do this because they really worked for us and to encourage debate about the development of dominant and submissive natures in D/s, M/s and O&P relationships, and in creating the framework that controls interactions between partners in these types of relationships. Please, all, do add your thoughts to this:

Marcus Aurelius: “If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment”.

For the submissive there’s obvious meaning; you can learn to take what’s dished out. But, at a more pervasive level, this is a reminder to both partners that they can control their feelings toward others attitudes and react logically and calmly. This is especially important for the dominant.

Marcus Aurelius: “Look well into thyself; there is a source of strength which will always spring up if thou wilt always look there”.

The strength of a power exchange relationship comes from the inner strength of both parties. Selfish encouragement of your own specific nature is a human trait that can flourish in D/s – each partner’s interests are opposite to the other’s and few compromises need be made.

Marcus Aurelius: “Whatever is in any way beautiful hath its source of beauty in itself, and is complete in itself; praise forms no part of it. So it is none the worse nor the better for being praised”.

So much of a power exchange relationship is about duty – you need to feel good about it yourself and not expect reward or praise. Understand the intrinsic beauty of what you do for another.

Bust of Marcus Aurelius
Bust of Marcus Aurelius (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Marcus Aurelius: “By a tranquil mind I mean nothing else than a mind well ordered”.

For both dominant and submissive knowing exactly where you stand and precisely what your duties and responsibilities are frees you both to be creative, mischievous and fun. Like a train – staying on the railway track keeps the passengers safe to do whatever they want on the journey. It’s not for nothing we say relationships and people go “off the rails”.

Marcus Aurelius “Nothing happens to any thing which that thing is not made by nature to bear”.

A useful maxim when limits are tested. This is not carte blanche for doms. Rather, for the submissive the question should be: does my nature truly preclude me from complying with this new requirement? For the dominant it is “Is it in her nature? Will I harm her by insisting?”

Marcus Aurelius: “Never esteem anything as of advantage to you that will make you break your word or lose your self-respect”.

For both dominant and submissive this is an injunction to transparency and truth and a warning not to play mind game to get what you want. A useful reminder for those who top from the bottom. And for dominants? Well, I love mind games, but, you can easily trap yourself into using, tricks, falsehoods, aggression, etc in ways that should be shaming.

Marcus Aurelius: “How much time he gains who does not look to see what his neighbour says or does or thinks, but only at what he does himself, to make it just and holy”. Also, “The object in life is not to be on the side of the majority, but to escape finding oneself in the ranks of the insane”.

I don’t think a D/s or similar relationship can exist completely independently of the wider world: It will have public dimensions. Yes one must not frighten the horses, scare the children nor lose uncomprehending vanilla friends but, you must have the strength to make sure the true nature of your relationship is not compromised when out in the world. At the same time, whilst not acquiescing to the views of ‘the majority” don’t flaunt yourself to the point of being unacceptable in polite society.

Marcus Aurelius: “Remember this-that there is a proper dignity and proportion to be observed in the performance of every act of life”. And, “You will find rest from vain fancies if you perform every act in life as though it were your last”.

For both dominants and submissives this is nothing less than Baden-Powell’s maxim: “do your best”. But it also in finding satisfaction in yourself from doing everything well. It implies zero tolerance of sloppy pursuit of goals.

Marcus Aurelius: “How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it”.

Anger is always inappropriate in a TPE relationship. It is also always inevitable. D/s couples can formalise responsibilities for decision-making and dispute resolution. We should use the rules we make and never respond til anger has left us. Passion – now that’s a different thing.

037 Marcus Aurelius
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Marcus Aurelius “A man does not sin by commission only, but often by omission”.

It’s alright having rules and rituals, but what about the spaces between them – a relationship can be ruined by failure to see a need and meet it.